Bullet The Blue Sky

Happy New Year! I'll blog more tomorrow, pretty tired now.

The Swiss Army Romance

Today's quite an eventful day, I figured out quite a lot within 24 hours.

Mother dearest, she made me clear out most of the study room. Found loads of stuff I totally forgot about, such as my entire collection of marbles, and all those toys I had.

Brings back memories of when I wasn't distracted by computers, or anything digital, for that matter.

Briefing for camp was quite wut, distracted by other stuff.

I has this sudden revelation during the briefing, about the camp.

What's my true intention in going for the camp? I realized I've turned my eyes away from the true motive, the true reason why I volunteered to go.

I've been talking about opportunities, but I'm certain, this camp is not one of them. I need to keep my eyes and heart fully focused on God, and the Sec Ones, not on the Snickers Conundrum.

Yes, it would really advance our friendship/relationship if I focused on her instead, but that would be the wrong intention, in coming to the camp, wouldn't it?

I feel like sharing my testimony to the kids, but I don't feel right about it. I don't have that much to say, I don't have any "big" events in my life that would be relevant to them.

I want to someday touch someone, with my testimony, of what He has done in my life, of how He changed me from an ungrateful bastard, to one that is earnestly seeking redemption.

Let's waste time,

Chasing cars,

Around our heads.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.

And, it's the 31st again. Happy birthday, Desiree, if you're seeing this. I'm sorry for not giving you my all, and fabricating all those stories that barely justifies my absence. I hope you'll find someone who's perfect for you, and can look after you in every way that I couldn't.

It's that time of the year again. Where we reflect on the past year, what we've done, what we didn't do, relationships made, friendships strengthened, hearts broken, love found.

I don't really see many differences in my life, from now, and one year ago. I'm still without a school, I still can't play the guitar properly, I haven't made any headway in my love life.

But there is one, big, significant difference in my life. I have fully devoted myself, to live for Him, to have faith in His word, to carry out His will on Earth.

That one difference, to me, is worth one whole year. Accepting Him as my Savior is easy, but to really devote everything to Him, to give it all up, is another thing altogether.

I don't really have any resolutions for this new year, other than living my life in His image, and to follow His footsteps, glorifying His name with this Earthly body.

Actually, I do have some earthly resolutions, although I don't think I'm gonna keep to any of them.

1.Jam again with Admit One Only

2.Make some headway on the Snickers Conundrum

3.Get myself fit and ready for army

4.Plan a party for my grandparents

5.Staying happy

Honestly, even if I completed all these earthly resolutions, I wouldn't be satisfied. Not unless He looks down, and says, " Good job, son."

That's what I want. What I crave for. What I need. Acceptance. Approval. His smile.

I'm looking forward to service tomorrow. And Sunday's one. I haven't attended a TTB service in almost a month, and I'm missing it.

So here we are,

fighting, and trying to hide the scars.

I'll be home tonight,

Take a breath and softly say goodbye.

Anthem of the Angels.

"Seems like I'm always starting over. It's always my first day. When's it gonna be time for the rest?"

-Eric Doyle, the Puppet Master

I've been looking forward to these nights. The only time when I really have peace, when I can calm my thoughts down, and journal them down into this blog. It brings with it a sense of peace, and understanding within myself.

Been blog-hopping recently, and that feeling of disappointment of seeing others not updating is coming back. I guess it's karma, I wasn't that active myself until recently. Oh well.

Had dinner with my grandparents tonight, brings back memories of my childhood, when both Ah Kong and Ah Ma used to take me out, carrying me around when I could barely walk.

Makes me realize how much they've loved me, and the little I've done to repay them for this love.

I can feel you falling away.

No longer the lost,

No longer the same.

Life's been pretty much stagnant so far, think it's time for me to find a job. And start researching on that zookeeper career.

Oh & I want a boat. Not a really big one, just one nice and cozy enough for me to lie in, and enjoy the waves rocking, moving along to the beat of the sea.

It's nice to have a calm exterior force to move you, to just gently rock you to sleep.

Forever, and ever

These scars will remain.

Two minutes to midnight.

I'm back! I must say, it was a real satisfying trip. I'm glad I went for it. Spent loads of time with my family, and I finally realized how much I've been neglecting them.

At Malacca, I had this feeling. Of contentment. Similar to the feelings I had when I was younger. That calm in your heart, without reality rearing its ugly head. Freedom, to actually enjoy yourself without any limits. That special feeling I've been looking for. That inner peace.

On the other hand, as said above, spending time with my family was nice, especially with my younger cousins and my grandparents.

Dear Agony,

Just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's got to be?

I spent a lot of time thinking about The Snickers Conundrum when I was in Malacca. I realized, the lack of progress isn't due to external factors, it's because of my own hesitance.

I kept making excuses, "valid reasons" to why I didn't do anything when the opportunity was staring right at me.

"Oh, she's always with her group, it'll be awkward"

"She's talking to blahblah now, I can't just charge in like that"

"I'm not that close to her, it'll be weird if I just start a conversation like that"

After a while, there's no more inner conversations that I can have with myself; inner debates on whether I should go or not.

I kept thinking that there's always something there to hinder my progress. But what if there's nothing there, and I'm just looking for a reason to hesitate?

Three windows of opportunity, and I didn't take hold of a single one of them.

And I will find the enemy within,

'Cause I can feel it crawling beneath my skin.

One more opportunity looms. It's there for the taking. And this time, I'm not gonna make excuses for myself. It's just me, candybar, and God.

But what happens if it doesn't go as planned? I don't want to risk our friendship.

Again, too shy to ask, too proud to lose.

I guess there's no way around it. It's only by opening the box, that I can find out whether the cat is alive or dead.

Why does every post have to sound so sad? This isn't a real representative of me. I'm not emo, I'm just introspective.

It's time to seize the day.

Somewhere, far beyond this world.

I feel nothing anymore.

Oh, you beautiful stranger.

I'm kinda getting lazy to blog, even though I'm doing it for myself. Meh.

Christmas Day! Or it was, one hour and 44 minutes ago.

What can I say about this Christmas? For one, it definitely wasn't what I expected. Yes, I didn't expect to sing "Joy To The World" in no less than 4 languages.

Sermon was quite engaging today, I liked how Pastor Kow mixed it up with videos along the way.

Where the streets have no name.

Something struck me as I was eating my breakfast. A radio advert played, from Gold 90.5 FM.

Something about wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But what really got to me was the descriptions of Christmas. There was something about gift-giving, eating, and other material comforts.

Don't they know that Christmas isn't about material or physical satisfaction? Don't they know, that it signifies God Himself coming onto Earth, to live as a mortal man?

It's annoying to see, or in this case, hear, how the media has twisted and turned Christmas into a time for partying and getting yourself wasted.

Sigh, I'm ranting again.

Time to move to something less depressing. Something like.. music!

Ohohoh and I saw my face in FaithLink. Not a good picture. Thanks a million, Kenn.

This song came up today while I was trying to do something productive. It's a Westlife song, pretty old, but still kinda nice.

I'm too lazy to copy and paste all the lyrics here! One whole block of text, it's gonna turn all 3 of my readers off.

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you out of my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I just can't find
The courage to show to let you know
I've never felt love like this before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me ?
How will I know if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why don't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

If I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

How will I know if I let you go ?

Kind of the story of my life eh?

Never having any self-confidence to ask, to find out.

Spoke to Leroy about stuff, and he's the 5th person to know about the conundrum. Honestly, I can't think of anything to do, but to place it all in the hands of God. Have faith. He will make a way.

I'll be on a holiday until the 28th, and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I'd much rather be in church on the 27th, getting to know the kids, building bonds with them, but family is family. I'm sure even a small detail such as this still fits into His plan, so yeah, I'll leave it all to him.

With or without you.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!.

It's Christmas! Yes, I'm 2 hours and 40+ minutes late, but it doesn't matter. Better late than never!

Had a good period of reflection today, thinking about sacrifice, about giving.

Dear little girl,

So much hurt,

For such a young age.

Fact Number One. It feels so much better to give than to receive.

Service was very different today, quite cool to see Pastor Joel speaking in Mandarin to cater to the heartlanders.

When the light starts to burn,

When the pain returns.

Fact Number Two. Nothing ever lives up to it's expectations.

There was this one point in service where I felt truly alive. Not "alive" in bodily terms, but spiritual. When all the lights were turned off, where the only things that moved were the flames on our candles, and our lips, singing praises to Him. How awesome was it, to be standing there, at that moment, just singing praises to Him?

I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.

Fact Number Three. Christmas isn't about gifts and presents and lights and decorations. It's about the Son of God coming onto Earth, a joyous event that should be celebrated for what it is.

I reflected upon what I was after the service. Have I really given it all to Him? Can I fall back on nothing but faith? Am I doing His will in my life?

It's not that I don't enjoy Christmas, on the contrary, I do. It's just that many people are celebrating it for the wrong reasons, past versions of me included. Christmas has been mangled to be seen as a time when trees are placed in houses, money is spent freely, and merry-making is smiled upon.

How can we make it known to the world, that it's only through Him, that we live.

How can we make it known that this day, the 25th of December, is a time for celebrating His birth.

How can we make it known, that He is our One and only Savior.

How can you expect to win this war?

When you're too afraid to fight.

On a lighter note, I'm starting a prayer request service. I'll start with my cell group, then gradually move on to a larger group of people. Just trying to help everyone, one step at a time.

Stand unafraid,

All the good souls

Stand unafraid.

I've been having this really bad cough that's been sticking with me since church camp. I pray that it goes away soon, my throat's dying because of it.

Stand unafraid.

No matter what.

'Cause You're all I want,

You're all I need,

You're everything,

You'e everything.

I didn't realize it's so close to Christmas. I'm not really feeling the festive spirit right now.

Alden said something about walking down Orchard Road and looking at the decorations. But I don't think that's what Christmas is about, decorations and presents.

They say it's the season of giving, but how can we give something that's of value to others, when we've received the greatest gift anyone could ever get; eternal life.

Nothing else compares.

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You are everything.

The cycle.

Okay, my third post for the night. Reason why I didn't just merge everything into one post? Because all three posts have different messages, and if I threw them all together, it'll just be one incoherent mess, leaving both you and me confused. Now, that's not what we want, is it?

I've been moving in a cycle. For many things. But there's this one that I want to write down, just to remind myself of it in the future.

It's the cycle of failed love.

Stage One. Initial Attraction.

You talk to her, she talks to you. It may happen the first time you see that person, it may be a delayed process. But inevitably, it will happen. And you can't do anything to stop it. You find every single thing that person does to be cute/charming/funny/(insert adjective here). you find yourself thinking of that person almost all the time. This is Stage One.

Stage Two. Progression Of Relationships.

You try to get to know that person better. You chat more often, sometimes everyday. You try to find reasons to be around that person. You find yourself drawn more and more into that spinning vortex, getting your head giddy with the feeling of ecstasy. You find yourself doing things you wouldn't usually do, just to get a conversation topic with that person. This is Stage Two.

Stage Three. Realization.

You find that there's others in his/her life. You think you know everything, but you find that what you know, is only a small and insignificant part of his/her life. You try to do anything to get yourself out of that zone,doing stupid things to get his/her attention. This is Stage Three.

Stage Four. Desperation.

Despite your best efforts, it's clear that he/she is not interested in you. In fact, he/she's probably interested in one of your friends instead of you. At this point, you're probably desperate for just a little of his/her attention. This is Stage Four.

Stage Five. Failure, Depression, and Acceptance.

He/she goes out with another person, they get attached, you fall into a deep depression, for about a week to a month. You get over it, accept the fact that they're not gonna be with you, at least for now, and move on to someone else, restarting the cycle. This is Stage Five.

Of course, not all relationships follow this crappy made-up cycle I came up with. In fact, I'm willing to bet that less than 20% of all romantic relationships come under this cycle. But why am I still writing about it? It's just to remind myself, because whether I like it or not, I always find myself being dragged down into this cycle. This post's gonna be a reminder, of what's gonna happen, and the steps I need to take to stop it.

I just hope this current one's not gonna suffer the same fate as those before it.

I don't ever want to forget that smile.

4.31 AM

Cell Group Chalet!

I am-

(a) tired after 5 solid lack-of-sleep nights

(b) not gonna talk because my throat is really killing me

(c) sad because my headphones just died on me

(d) happy because it's raining at night

Cell group chalet was okay, I guess. Not what I hyped it out to be, but then again, nothing ever is.

I sort of miss the other two Fairsians when they weren't around, sounds like a gay bromance.

Night cycling was fun, especially when it rained. As those drops of water fell on me, I truly felt alive.

The cycling also really made me realize my place. I'm nothing, without His hand guiding me, showing me the path.

I sort of bonded with the others, or those that bothered to come. Had this nice chat with Joel about kelongs and fishing. It's nice to see that beneath all those differences that all of us have, we're very similar people.

Had this chat with Deric about our thoughts, and it made me realize that I really read into stuff too much. Not everything has a inner meaning, sometimes, you just have to take stuff for what they are; it's face value. Sometimes, there's no message waiting to be heard underneath that action, and that's why you don't get a reply most of the time.

But that doesn't mean I'm gonna change the way I see things. Sooner or later, I'm gonna understand someone's inner message to me. And when that day comes, I'm not gonna let that message, and the opportunity it brings, go.

The inevitable fade to black.

Perfection is nothing but an illusion. A lie we fabricate, to make us believe that there is something more we can aim for, something beyond human boundaries.

Perfection lies only in the face of God, nothing else.

Sleep now in the fire.

My total number of blog posts this month's more than the combined total of July to November. Awesome.

Today was good, I guess. Discovery didn't really help me discover much, rather ironic. But still, it was fruitful, going through the lessons and thinking of hooks for the kids. I can already imagine the lessons!

There was this little something that Leroy mentioned to me earlier, about commitment. He was talking about the Sec ones, about committing your next 6 years to them, not giving up, persevering all the way through.

I realized that commitment doesn't just apply to the teaching, but to almost everything else.

Commitment to your studies. That, I evidently lacked. Commitment to your future career. Commitment to your religion. Commitment to your spouse.

Can I count on myself to commit, fully, with knowledge that He will provide?

Just as I was thinking about that line above, a song come up on my iTunes.

Carry on, my wayward son.

There'll be peace when you are done.

Lay your worried head to rest;

Don't you cry no more.

A message? Or just pure coincidence? I choose to believe the former, not because I want reassurance, but because I know that He is trying to speak to me, through whatever medium possible.

What does that verse mean? Up to interpretation, I have absolutely no idea, but I really do want to know.

Know His plan for me. Know what is ahead. However, just as the Liang Wei said, you don't need to know everything. Have faith, and He will provide.

Have faith.

Everything about you, is so easy to love.

I realize that I've been writing in a narrative style for most of my posts. Gives that storybook feel to my life, doesn't it?

And I believe in the Kingdom come

When all the colors bleed into one.

You broke the bonds and loosened the chains.

Carried the cross,

Of my shame.

You know I believe it.

But I still haven't found, what I'm looking for.

What lies beneath.

It's just so irritating to open the fridge, see all those tiny morsels of happiness, pleading " Eat me!", while you stand by the side, unable to do anything about it because your mother's gonna stop your cash flow if one single piece goes missing.

Fine, I gave in, I ate one. ONE. ONE chocolate macaroon! I mean, argh.

I can't believe it's already Thursday. Church camp seems so long ago. I just hope that this spiritual high continues.

Die, soccer tomorrow @ NP @ 10. I don't think I'll make it.

Second season of Reaper's been quite good, I have no idea why it was canceled. Tyler Labine is the shit. He's just like a Jack Black on network television.

Just one more glimpse of that beautiful smile, and I'm done for tonight.

This Modern Love

My mum has this $75 box of chocolates in the fridge, and it's taking all of my willpower not to touch it. Apparently, it's for the whole family to savor. Damn.

BUT, there's no "KEEP OFF" sign on the soya tarts, which have found a new dwelling place! My mouth!

This week's been pretty uneventful so far, but I'm looking forward to the weekend! Discovery on Friday, and cell group retreat on on Sat-Mon!

Somehow, Sundays have become my favorite days. I used to dread waking up for church, but my body feels wrong if it doesn't wake itself up at 7.30am on Sundays.

Bloc Party = awesome. Anberlin=awesome. Breaking Benjamin=awesome. Iron Maiden=awesome. Coldplay=awesome. Rage Against The Machine=awesome. Backstreet Boys=awesome.Metallica=awesome. Foo Fighters=awesome. God= AWESOME.

This is the correlation between salvation and love,

Don't drop your arms,I'll guard your heart

With quiet words, I'll lead you in.

I wanna go to a live concert! At least once before I die.

12.12 AM

The Snickers Conundrum

Operation: Candy Bar has been officially changed to The Snickers Conundrum. Why? Sounds cooler, and Snickers is just awesome.

I want the Forgetting Sarah Marshall OST!

Hawaii's a beautiful place, I have to be there for like at least a week before I die.

Today was quite good, Liverpool lost again. I'm beginning to really enjoy Sundays, for all the right reasons.

I just can't get enough of your company, and I'm excited, and glad, to see where this takes me.

If anything could ever be this good again.

Is it a good thing to be coughing out blood?

Match just ended, United 0-1 Villa. sigh.

Had this feeling Villa was gonna get something from it, they've really been on form since the win against Liverpool.

This is why Villa's my second favorite EPL club. They play like a team, co-ordinated, not giving up any ball.

James Milner was awesome. Same can't be said for King Ando.

A rather sad conclusion to what was quite a good day, by my standards.

Soccer practise was good, feels great to finally use my boots again and train properly, not that half-assed crap we play on Gan Eng Seng.

Parish party was meh, nothing much actually. Company was good, however.

Crashed outside DailyScoops after parish party, chatted for quite some time with the cell group mates.

I like the fact that we're gonna be together for like, the rest of our lives. Makes the times we share all the more special. I feel a very good vibe coming from Ocean, especially after church camp.

Argh, shouldn't have had that frozen B-cup, my throat's killing me now.>:(

Oh Love, don't let me go.

Won't you take me where the street lights glow?

Operation Candy Bar is going smoothly, results shouldn't be out so soon, but let's see how it goes.

There are some things that I just can't take. Like people who can't spell properly. It's you're, not your. It's they're, not their.

But on her, I don't find it irritating. I don't just find it tolerable, I like it. 'Cause it's the little things, that make me love every single bit of her.

When she gave me that sweet, sweet smile my heart just melted.

Can't everyday feel like this, forever?

Now, my feet won't touch the ground.

3.39 AM

Be strong, believe.

Just had this brainwave as I was returning home.

I was at Dover MRT, walking down the stairs, observing everyone.

Then I realised. I am nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd, another name in the endless sea of alphabets.

Who am I, that He died for me? Gave up His life, to save this sick, two-faced bastard?

I walked on, and my music player decided to attune itself to my moods. These lyrics stood out to me, like He was telling me something.

I wanna make a change, right here, right now,

I wanna live a life like you somehow.

I wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile.

And yes, I want to make a change right now, and live a life like Yours.

Everything is gonna be alright, be strong, believe.

On another note, stayover at the Cougar's den was epic, just for that sight of Mund grumbling at his sister. AHAHA.

Esther: Wake up la, I made breakfast for you and your friends!!

Edmund:Stop irritating me la, let me sleep!

Esther:But later the food cold then you complain again.

Edmund:I won't complain la, go away.

" " "

You get my drift.

OH, and Mund's passport pic is EPIC. DAMN CUTE CAN?

And it's damn funny so see Mund nagging at his sister to do his work. Goodness.

It's wasting me away, everytime I think of you. More and more each day, I feel it. Like a flood coming in. But I can's do anything to express it, especially under current circumstances.

Have faith, and He will provide.

But I can't find the words to tell you.

That very first time I looked you in the eyes, my heart raced. Not for the lesson or whatever came afterward, but for you.

Everytime I'm around you, I feel weak. Every single aspect of you just takes my breath away.

Your flawless hair, your beautiful smile, your sparkling eyes, that sweet voice.

Right now, I just wish I got to know you better before, instead of struggling with my self-esteem and confidence issues.

I may not have the softest touch

I may not say the words as such

And though I may not look like much

I'm yours.

I'm back to square one. 6 months later, it's still the same. But different in a way. I just feel that she's the one. But then again, I felt the same for everyone before. What makes this any different?

Story of my life: Is this the right candy bar for me?

Empowered by the Holy Spirit, to do whatever is pleasing to His eyes.

This week was awesome. In more ways than one.

Church camp was really great. Once again, I felt the Spirit flowing through me, molding me to do His will, to live a life for Him.

For a long time I wondered, why did Jesus die for me? Who was I, do deserve his sacrifice.

But the answer was there all along, I just didn't see it.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

For the Bible tells me so.

It's right there. Just because the His Word says so. Nothing else matters, apart from the fact that He loved me, and gave his life for me.

Right now, I'm still struggling to live a Godly life, in my words, thoughts, and actions. It's a long, uphill battle. But I know I can make it, with Him leading me through.

One message that really spoke to me was the one on God's calling. One particular sentence rang out, like a gong amidst all the mayhem.

"When we ask Him for advise, it's just for His mark of approval. Even if He disagrees, we still go on with it anyway."

^ That was who I was. Praying only to ask God for His stamp of approval, not listening when he said no, not heeding His word, not following His direction for my life.

Only now, I realise, it is only through Christ, that we have strength. Man on his own, is nothing.

Heng Guang, learn to give Him your all, have faith. Let faith guide your way, don't get bounded by the ways of the world.

This is me, now, transformed.

I know I don't fit in that much,

But I'm Yours.

Dear God,

How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?

Tired of starting again.

I almost slipped today, but in truth, it's all in my head.

Used again last week, despite my mental post-it notes and reminders everywhere.

At one point in time, it became more than an outlet for me, more than some temporary pleasure.

It became a habit. An addiction.

I want to get over this. Not just for my good, but for everyone else. I'm gonna be a cell group leader, hopefully, and I need to be a good role model for the kids.

The first week's always the hardest, but I will put this behind me.

I know I can't do this on my own, so Lord, help me. Be the light for my path, guide me through this mess that is my life.

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse.

The first day of the rest of my life.

'Cause all this pain is getting old.

It's amazing how we can say one thing today, and completely turn it around a week later.

Life has been quite lame recently, we resorted to killing others in DotA for revenge against the loss against Liverpool. Still, funny match.

I just realized that music has, all along, been playing a real big part in my life. I remember when I was younger, I pissed my mother off so bad, she refused to even talk to me. I couldn't talk my way out of it then, I wasn't as eloquent as I am now, but I had other methods.

I made this really tacky map for her to see when she came back from work. It directed her to the CD player (computers weren't portable then), where there was a note saying "Press PLAY".

The CD was The Eminem Show, track was number 4, "Cleaning Out My Closet".

Basically, I got my mother to listen to a song full of profanities to tell her I was sorry and that I was gonna change.

I know how stupid it sounds now, but that was how I expressed myself best then. I imagined myself breaking up with a girl over Backstreet Boy's "Get Another Boyfriend" and proposing with "As Long As You Love Me" in the background.

Fast forward to now, 27 October 2009. I still have songs that I feel represent my current feelings, although I don't apologize with rap anymore.

I guess, through it all, music's been the only real friend I really had.

In fact, I've prepared a funeral playlist! A list of songs to play when I die. Kewl yes?

1.Alexithymia-Anberlin

2.Wasted Years-Iron Maiden

3.Glad Girls-Guided By Voices

4.Pinball Wizard-The Who

5.Second Chance-Shinedown

6.Breakeven-The Script

7.Sweet Child O' Mine-Guns N' Roses

8.Violet Hill-Coldplay

9.Kokomo-The Beach Boys

10.Everlong-Foo Fighters

See? Death doesn't have to so bad after all!

Inspiration for that list? Glad you asked. My grandfather has only one wish. To have Roy Rogers and Gene Autry playing at his funeral. Since they can't come down, he asks for the next best thing, their songs! And that's what I'm gonna give him.

I guess I have my father and my grandfather for music playing such a big part in my life. Both of them love music, and I guess I inherited that from them. Even though they're not truly father and son, they have combined forces to change my life in a way that I never would have known. Talk about a father-son combo!

AAAAAAAAAAAND!

I want to be a ZOOKEEPER! Latest ambition! More about it in the next post, I hope.

All that's left of me, is what I pretend to be.

Since this site is so dusty and untouched it probably belongs in a museum that belongs in another museum, I'm gonna spill it all here.

My life just took a rather drastic change. In three months time, or less, I'll be off to serve the nation! Hooray.

Honestly, I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, who I want to become anymore. I barely even feel like doing anything much now.

I don't have the focus to study, I don't want to go out and take crappy orders from an employer, but I certainly don't want to sit around and do nothing.

In short, I don't have control. Pretty ironic, given the title of my blog.

I had a plan. For my life. Or something that passed off as a plan. By 20, I was gonna have a Diploma in Mass Comm, an internship in Mediacorp waiting for me, hopefully a few cameos in mid-day dramas, and 1 or 2 comic stories on the way to reviews, and hopefully publishing.

Look what I've been reduced to. A self-pitying douche, staying at home all day, trying to sound profound by using big words, getting stuffed on potato chips and chocolate, watching TV shows on my computer, and not doing anything to save his own life from going down.

I need to start. But how? When?

Maybe army will change me, for the better. It'll give me time to think things over, away from distractions, and evaluate my life. A new start.

I know it's not too late, but I just don't want to. "There's still time later" & "Wait" are my favorite words. Is there still time later for this? Can it wait?

I need help. And I hope I can get through all this, come out alive, and say"I made it."

Until then, here's to me trying to get my life in order.

OHMY.

I SEE WEBSSXZXZXZ!

Damn, I've not been here for like 2 months and the whole this looks different.

Night hike last night, quite retarded. Men like us were reduced to eating cup noodles on stairs. Whoo-whee.

Right now, my life's been pretty much a never-ending cycle.

0500 hours: Sleep.
>1400 hours: Wake up.
1500 hours: Eat whatever I can find.
1530 hours: Check FB, Goal.com, blah blah blah.
1700 hours: Soccer/game/whatever takes up time.
2000 hours: Watch TV
2100 hours: Watch TV
2200 hours: Watch TV
2300 hours: Dota with Deric.
0000 hours: Watch HIMYM Re-runs.
0100 hours: Waiting for that golden horn to appear.
And that's the life. Or how it's been so far.

My mum nags. More than Mund in dota. More than Alex calling for a pass. And it's getting real bad. Damn.

I need to control, yo.

Buyakasha! Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I'll update more, I hope. If there's anyone reading this harhar.


I don't think I'm going for class chalet. Waste of money and timee.

Oh lookie, golden horn's there.


Arghh, I'm not even making sense here.

"I Love You, Beth Cooper" ain't that good, watch only if you have 10 bucks to spare.

Actually, scratch that, give me that 10. I need it for my Civil War fund.

I'm craving for red meat nowwww. I wanna have steak, rare, nice and bloody. Yum.

And I need to get myself a guitar that I can actually call my own.



And who the hell is Wais Barakzai?

Control.

Ho hum. It's been a LONG time since I last updated, and life isn't going so well. Lots of shit been happening, and I just want it all to end.

I've got no idea of what's happening in school, and have virtually no idea of what they're teaching.Which leads me to wonder why I came to TP in the first place.

I don't know anything about Java, Web Design, Cmaths, and I never did my assignments for the only subject I could have aced.

Maybe this is what I am supposed to be. Maybe this is my purpose. To be a cautionary tale for others,stopping them from being like me.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore.

Dear Michael.

So, it's been two weeks since Michael Jackson died. With all the tributes coming in, all those memorials, of how he changed the world, how he made pop music his and everything else, I'd like to give my two cents worth.

Honestly, I wasn't really affected by his death originally. I mean, I'd get more pain out of Iron Maiden disbanding. Which leads to to think of how he affected me.

How did Michael affect me? I never really listened to much of his songs while growing up, back then, it was Backstreet Boys all the way, (Y). But I knew of him, I knew about his albums from my parents, I knew his songs through the radio, I knew about him through the different covers of his songs that artistes made. And though he never really affected me, I respected him. As an artiste that made a difference in the industry, as a singer who gave his all to his career, as a father who devoted everything to his children, and lastly, as a spokesperson, who fought for racial equality.

Time passed, and controversy surrounded him. Child molestation allegations, plastic surgery, blah blah. Everyone was kicking him while he was down, and I admit, I was one of those despicable people. How we should have gave him a hand while he was in trouble, like how his music lifted us all, during our times of suffering and pain. How I wish I could turn back the clock and change what I've done. Sadly, those times have passed on, just like Micheal himself.

Now, after he passed on, there are those, who mourn the passing of a legend. There are those, who pour scorn over his image. What about me? I still have that respect, and admiration for Micheal. For how he managed to pull through when the whole world was against him, for how he created belief for those without hope. He never was my idol, and never will be, but he will be remembered, for all he has done for the entire music industry, for the changes he tried to make to the world, for the man he has been.

So, what does Michael Jackson mean to me? He is a symbol for racial equality, the voice of the blacks in America. He is a pioneer of pop music, one that still lives today thanks to his musical genius.He fought for change in this world, through his music that defied the barriers of age and race. He is more that just a singer or performer, he is a person that changed the world.


And what if Michael Jackson never existed? We wouldn't be enjoying music as we are now, as he has undeniably left an immense mark on music. We wouldn't be seeing music videos in this form, as he was the one who made them different. We definitely would have grew up differently, without his music in our heads.











From me, sincerely, thank you, Michael, for the good you have done to the world. You will not be forgotten, and I pray that you find peace, wherever you are.

What If?

Hello peeple, promised I'd update last week but didn't, get over it.

It's been real crazy lately, I really do need to catch up on programming and web design.

Something's been on my mind for the past few days.

Marvel Comics had this special thing they'd do for kicks,exploring the road not travelled, it's called What If?. What if Aunt May had died instead of Uncle Ben? What if Iron Man had been a traitor? What if Jean Grey had removed her powers instead of commiting suicide? All those stories untold, just because of a certain decision, or a route not taken.

Some of these scenarios turned out for the better, some not.(obviously.) But the main point is being able to apply hindsight to whatever we've done,in this case, Marvel, and see what would have happened, and what decision we would have made if we knew the outcomes.

I found myself applying this to my own life. What if I never went to Fairfield? What if I never had an interest in soccer? What if I had studied harder for my O's? What if, what if.

I realised I took the right path,(mostly) because, I guess, I just don't want things to change.

I'm glad I came to Fairfield, I got to know many people, lifelong friends, had fun, went through shit, did things I'd never do if I studied harder for my PSLE.

I'm glad I went to NP for like 6 months though it was a waste of time, it provided me an insight into poly life, met certain people, some good, some bad, learnt from the whole experience.

I'm glad I came to TP, found a home away from home, made really good friends, did real stupid stuff, learnt programming the hard way, screwed it up, learnt again.

I'm glad I'm writing this down, cause I don't ever want to forget.

But I still can't stop thinking of what could have been.

What if I had went to Scriptwriting in SP instead?

What if my score was good enough for me to get into Mass Comm?

What if I failed to get into TP, and started serving NS?

What if, what if.

I guess it's all set in place.Nothing ever happens without a reason, everything is planned by a special Someone. I'll find my purpose eventually, it's just a matter of time.

Until then, Mousehunt will keep me company.=)

Who what me?

Imma irregular blogging bitch, yay.

And I'm practically screwed for WDS, whoohoo!

Is it any surprise that I'm not concerned at all? Hah.

Okay gotta stop, else my mum finds me up this late, she's gonna cook me for dinner.

Will blog more tomorrow. I think. Tata.

More is all you need.

Whoowee, I realise I've been updating like huge blocks of text, sort of like a novel. Rawr. 

Didn't get much rest for the past few days, had night cycling on Thurs-Fri. Damn, that was tiring.

ONE Camp's gonna be my focus in this post, not some ambiguous post about random nonsense-sprouting.

Like what I said during reflections with Ocean, I didn't want to go for the camp originally, cause I was tired, blah blah.  But, I made a commitment, and when I make one, I keep to it. Or I try to.

So,first day. I woke up quite late, I think. But I ended up being the first Ocean-er at church. Somehow, I was dragged into Singspiration the day before. It's wasn't because I was unwilling, it's just that I don't feel that I have that presence and knowledge to be leading "worship". Anyhow, we somehow managed to scrape through practice. 

Honestly, me had nerves, lotsa nerves. I like performing, but I was sorta scared? Worship's new for me. But it went well, it was kinda cool to see everyone imitating my actions, and to hear everyone, well, almost, singing with me.

When found out who was in my group, I felt relieved, to say the least. I had like 3 other people from my previous ONE camp group, Anna, David, and Yipeng. So it was like easy to connect with them, but the rest of the group was hard to handle, in short. I hoped, before the camp started, tat my group wouldn't have like any troublemakers, but I just had to be with these two boys from FaithActs. I mean, it's not like I'm racist or anything, one of my best friend's a Malay, for crying out loud. But it's just that I feel that I can't handle these sort of characters, maybe it's my self-confidence, I don't know.

I've got nothing much to say about the following programs on the first day, other than my problems with the two FaithActs kids. They didn't follow instructions, and acted as if they were like kings. I mean, if you want to participate, go right ahead. But don't push it so such an extent where winning is everything. It's just a game, we win, we lose, there's no need to be so competitive.

I know, I'm sounding like a hypocrite here, because I'm like super competitive in soccer, but I don't blame others for everything,(at least I think I don't) and I do admit my mistakes(at least I think I do).

Oh and I found out some things about myself.

1. I must have a shower every morning, or else I'm gonna be dead and sleepy for the rest of the day.

2. Mosquitoes really do like me.

3. I don't need a sleeping bag to sleep, let alone a bed.

4. I can't remember, HAHA.

Day 2 was a mixed bag, for me. Morning was a real drag, was sleepy as hell. Tried my best for Singspiration, but it went all over too quickly. Oh well.

The mass dance was not that bad, considering that I hate dances. I think I'm beginning to change my attitudes toward certain things, one of them mass dances. The two latest mass dances I did were quite enjoyable, but I think it's that company that made it good.

The superhero race was pretty screwed, I got real pissed at the two kids again, argh. Sucks. I had to raise my voice, i.e. RC style, and it's wasn't pretty. Goddamn.

The finale night was good, however. The preps were totally last minute, I didn't even know that we had a storyline to follow. I just cobbled together some random crap, and it worked. This was the turning point of the camp, for me. I saw everyone working together, listening to Anna's, Adrian's and my instructions, and working together. And the fact that the act came out okay was nice as well.

Third day was like really lifeless. Got sorta pissed AGAIN, kids didn't want to help clear the damn canteen. Gosh, I really have to control my temper.

Was kinda surprised when my group won second, I was expecting first not. I thought we screwed it up at the race, but I think we did well, considering the problems we had, such as not having a person to really take charge all the way and bond the whole group, and friction between members in the group. 

In all, I felt this camp was not that bad, although last year's was better. I actually missed them badly then, now, I just can't wait to get onto my bed. It's not that my group didn't bond well, we actually did, but it's just that I couldn't wait to see the backs of some of them.

What was my aim during this camp? I wanted to find direction. Did i find direction? No, but I found other things. I found out that I can't just stick to one group of people, there're others that need me there, for one reason or another.

Anything else that I achieved from this camp? Unity, I feel. I felt that Ocean really bonded, at least those that went. I think they all know my name now, I don't know about the spelling part, haha. 

After camp was the shitzzz. Funny as hell, not just the Fairfield parts. I realized that we Ocean-ers actually do have lots of things in common, we just need to find it.

I still need my direction, and I really do need sleep. Sorry people for boring you for this long novel again, but don't expect me to change. Live with it. :)

Night lights and silence.

Today was a different experience, to say the least. I never tried Arab food before.

I always preferred nighttime to the day. It's a lot quieter, and allows me room to think. Or just to relax and listen to music.

That was written last Wed, but I never had the inspiration to finish it.

Just found out that Alden has a blog. Shows how much I really "know" about my friends. I swear, Deric and Syad's gonna come up with a joint blog next.

It sucks, to be let down by others that you trust. And to let down those that trust you.

I had this sort of awakening on Saturday. I was at my granduncle's place, I think. Anyway, it's some huge private estate sort of place. Architecture was like wtf. Looked like something out of my dreams. Totally surreal. 

Yeah, so I met up with my cousins, and caught up with them. Most of them went home early, and that left a few of us, me, my brother, Carissa, Alissa, Leonard & Leonara(LOL).

Most of them fell asleep, Carissa and I went to join the big ones at the dining table. They were having this discussion about religion.  It was like a freaking debate. There were like two sides, each headed by one of my granduncles. Uncle Jimmy was representing the Buddhist/Non-Christian sides, while Uncle Peter was representing the Christian side.

I listened, thought about it, and even though I'm feeling quite confused about my beliefs right now, I come out in support of Christianity. I don't know why, but I just did. I felt as if I was being called to open the eyes of Uncle Jimmy. Totally random yes?

I'm still feeling extremely confused right now, and I need answers.

I realised that Carissa and I have quite a lot of similarities, hah.

The apartment's still beautiful, though. The view from the rooftop is just amazing.

Friends. How many of the people I know, and count as friends will actually help me when I need help.

Although I love my friends in TP, those at Anfield and FMSS still come before them. I've known most of the Anfielders for almost 3 years, and shared more than just 100plus with them. People like Deric, Syad, Alex, Alden. They've been around for almost 8 years, and will probably be around for the next 8. That's not saying that I don't value my TP friends, I love them lots too. But 10, 15 years down the road, who are the people that's gonna be at my side?

Damn.

*And what's up with all those How Well Do You Know Me quizzes lol. Everyone's putting such retarded questions, me included. Just because I don't know what's your favorite pizza topping doesn't mean that I don't know you well. Doesn't like 12 years of cousin-ship count?Meh.

I found something else to do in the holidays, other than gaming and soccer. Completing Season 4 of Prison Break. Just because I've read the wiki, doesn't mean I know everything about it.

And Robert Knepper's been cast in Heroes! OMG. My favorite character in Prison Break's in my favorite show! The carnival busker's my favorite character even before I've seen him. This is what killing Nathan off does to you, goddamn.

I need to sleep if I am to wake up for soccer @ SAFRA tomorrow.

*This is referring to my cousin, Gabriel. What a freaking gay, with all those retarded questions.

Indestructible.

Whoo yeah tests are over, and I'm feeling better. Mood's been lifted recently, due to certain events, hah.

I saw this post Joel Yeo made, quite inspirational. Imma copy and paste it, who gives about plagiarism.

friends be friends. i think my perspective of friends are changing. and this post is about sharing what i think.

what are friends for? party? fun? laughing together? enjoying each other's company? sitting down and talking about problems? talking about old times past?

i think friends share common topics of life. and that's what makes friends. if there's no common topic, i think the friendship would be baseless, meaningless and would thus crumble.

friends are there for each other when he/she needs help. i dont know, but i always try to make an effort.

people who talk shit behind my back, people who aren't trustworthy, people who turn me away, people who ask me to fuck off when i have good intents, people who treat me like nothing, take me for granted, these are just people. these mere fuckers are people, i will not get close to and even avoid, cause they bring harm to me..

take me for who i am. i am straightforward, one who speaks my mind. i am crazy and retarded, i laugh out loud, i treat my friends nice and i bastard those whom i dislike. thats me, for now..

This is essentially, almost everything I think of friends. Of course, my traits differ from Joel's, but you get the drift.

People who take you for who you really are, people who don't give a shit about your shortcomings, people who are there for you, those that really care. Those that would spend half the night talking to you, those that only want you to do well, those that stand by you. These are your real friends.

On another note, TP life has been real great, first two months were amazing. True, there's some annoying things about TP, least of all the transport, but I'm really enjoying my time here. TP gives this sense of family, much like FMSS. In TP, you're made to feel like you're part of them, compared to NP, where everyone's pretty much like everyone else.

One year wasted, I'm not gonna waste any more.

do what you want,
say what you feel ,
because those who mind don't matter, 
and those who matter dont mind.

Aqueous Transmisson.

Gosh, I miss those times.

Oh and Green Day's new album's quite good.

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

You don't know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I'll heal inside
I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run
I can't let you go
Yes I am stricken and can't let you go

For Whom The Bell Tolls.

Was running through my email inbox after reading Alex's post. Felt I needed to get rid of some of that 2526 unread emails.

Saw this one from Shaun that struck me. It's a pretty long email, but one part stood out.

Title's kewl, caught my attention.

God says, It's Over, with a smile.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what my purpose is? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

This 3 sentences struck me, made me wonder. Recently I've been feeling off, wondering about everything, basically everything that paragraph said. And I was looking for answers. I prayed to Him, but nothing came out. I started to doubt everything. Then, I saw this. I don't know if this counts as a revelation in my spiritual life, but it means something to me. God answered. And I can count on him to answer everything else.

WDS and Cmaths tomorrow! It's gonna be one hell of a ride, after studying from like 3pm-2am. I've never worked this hard before, but I'm loving it.

Quest For Fire.

And I'm getting it again. Those visions. Those dreams, about the end.Thoughts about the  Apocalypse, of Armageddon. Yet, I still have regrets. Things not being done. People I haven't loved. Places yet to go. What if tomorrow was too late? Would there be anybody to be there for me, reassuring me that it's gonna be alright?

I need direction. Need to find that compass in my life. Find out what I'm living for, what I'm supposed to do. Search for what matters. Find the end to aim towards.

This is the end where I begin.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more Death. Neither sorrow, nor crying. Neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away."

Book of Revelations,Chapter 21, Verse 4

Lord, help me.

Impend.

My mum had this incredulous look on her face when I told her I flew. Doesn't anyone believe me?

I've got this feeling that something's gonna happen. I don't know what, I don't know why, don't know how, don't know when. I just feel something's gonna happen. And I'm beginning to regret it. Not living my life to the fullest. Not saying everything I wanted to say. Not doing everything I needed to do. Not loving everyone who loved me, and that feeling sucks.  I just hope that whatever's gonna happen, it had better happen soon. I hate waiting.

Lord,help me, I can't change.

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

Freebird-Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lyrics for this song's short, but the song lasts for 9 minutes and 7 seconds.

Today was a fun day, mainly because of soccer. It's funny, how your emotions fluctuate from sadness, to rage, then to satisfaction. Yeah, I guess that's what made this day fun. Satisfaction.

And I foretold the future today! Sort of.Okay scenario first.

Deric, Kenn and I were in KAP, having dinner.

Kenn met one of his coursemates there, Deborah(I think it's spelt that way), and Deric was like," Her face very familiar."

I immediately said" From your primary school one!"

Deric and Kenn were skeptical,and came up with other theories.

Long story short, she was his P1-5 classmate, and I was right. Sort of.

Speaking of coincidences, I don't believe in them. I think everything happens for a reason, why we so happened to meet this person today, why we find strangers that have the exact same interests as us. That person we meet may be our life partner, and the stranger we found may turn out to be a lifelong friend.Variables just don't seem right in life.

Read this article in the papers today, written by Sumiko Tan. It's about bingeing.

This set of sentences caught my eye, cause it totally reminded me of me.

"I, on the other hand, fall into the category of people -mostly women- who have a more complex relationship with food. Food isn't just food, but both a friend and a foe. I love it, I need it, I don't want it, it is both a comfort and a crutch." Essentially summarized the main point of the article in 3 sentences. And doesn't that really sound like me?

I like how these journalists manage to turn a ordinary mundane thing such as bingeing, into something that makes you think. And that's above their normal work as reporters and editors. Another reason I'm so into the communications world.

Read the horoscope in the exact same paper, and this is what it said about my star sign Cancer.

"Unless you have piles of important work to pore through today, you should have a pleasant dawdling and dreaming about what could be. Your daydreams are closer to reality than you think."

I'd so like to believe the above. If only horoscopes offer any truth to anything they said.

If you know me well, you'd know I am a comic freak!

Why do I love comics so much? Well, it's the way the characters are portrayed. How they're still humans, inside, whatever powers or brains they may have. How they are forced to make ends meet while keeping evil,( or creating evil, for that matter) at bay. How they still can live through everything, after all that bloodshed and wars. How they can lead two lives, but still come out as one single person.

Compared to Japanese manga, where most characters are dreadfully shallow, and their next boyfriends/girlfriends are considered "pressing matters", and where they don't care about anything about their actions or the consequences.

Also, American comics provide a perspective into "superpowers". What ordinary people would do with them. Would they use them for good, cross into the rivers of villainy, or walk the morally gray line? How would these powers affect them, and how long would it be before these extraordinary people become extraordinary dangerous?

Damn, that was a real long post. Hope this makes up for the long weeks of inactivity. (:

I want that dream again.

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?

I see a red door and I want to paint it black.

Ohmy, music cycle's going one whole round again. I'm back to where I started.

For those not in the know, I'm talking about the music I listen to. Cycle started in late Sec 2 I think, when I just found Breaking Benjamin. Went through bands and genres, before I finally found salvation in Iron Maiden!

Speaking of salvation, I wanna go watch Terminator: Salvation, even though I have no idea what it's about. Looks kewl.

I'm addicted to Breaking Benjamin again! If I had one wish, I wish Breaking Benjamin and Iron Maiden would come to Singapore for a concert. I'll die happy then.

I've never been to a real concert, unless you count Planetshakers, which was, to me, just an excuse for New Creation to boost membership. None of the bands which I really want to see live are coming, which sucks, cause if I don't go to a metal concert at least once in my life, I'm a failure.

Watched Star Trek yesterday.Syad and Deric found it okay, I thought it was fantastic! I love how they included Leonard Nimroy inside this movie as well. Chris Pine was great, he pulls off that anti-hero characterization with little effort. And Zach Quinto was awesome. But I'm too used to seeing him as a super-powered serial killer, and half-expected him to TK Kirk when they were fighting. Oh well. Heroes withdrawal.

It's one of those movies that doesn't disappoint, unlike Hancock. That was a real waste of time.

Best scene was when Zach went "Live long and prosper" to the council, with that sardonic voice. Extremely Sylar-ish.

Die, how did I go from music to Star Trek?

Buskerssssssssssss.

Just got home from a eventful MRT ride. See, there was this bunch of Malay kids sitting on the floor, playing 5 Stones, and generally taking up too much space. I spent like my whole journey observing them, cause I'm a pedophile and gay not.  They had this innocence about them, something which I miss.I miss the times when I didn't know anything about the world, and lived alongside Wolverine and Gambit figurines. I miss the times when hanging out with friends meant going to the void deck and rolling down slopes, getting dirty as hell. I miss the times when liking girls meant you were different, and disgusting.

I miss the times when I could just be myself, and not bother about anyone else.

I've been spending much recently, $30++ on a meal with a pretty girl, donated $10 to an ex-convict for 5 pens which I'll probably never use, and another $5 to a busker. There goes my savings.

I donate to buskers,not to beggars. There's a difference between them. And to me, there's no difference whether I donate $5 or 50 cents. It's the thought that counts, anyway.

Beggars are those that do nothing, and expect to get other's loose change. So what if you are missing a leg and an eye? That's life, get over it. You can't live on pity forever.

Buskers, on the other hand, put in time and effort to put on a performance for complete strangers, hoping to get something out of it. They may not be disabled, and some may even hold normal jobs. But they put in effort, and it shows. 

Buskers are also generally much nicer people compared to beggars. When you out a $2 note in a beggar's basket, some stare at you as if asking," Why did you put only $2 when you have a $10 note inside your wallet?"

Buskers, on the other hand, look you in the eye, and say "Thank you very much!" There's this sense of warmth from them, perhaps due to their frequent interaction with people.

Raaaaaah. 3 more days to Friday, and I'm still stuck on that drawing thingy. Die much.

Dying of the light.

In the ongoing search for self, there are days when we learn something genuinely new. Something uncovered, hidden, that we never knew was there. Something that surprises us. And on that day of self-discovery, the question remains: What kind of person are we? Does the hero, or the villain inside us, win the day?

It's ironic, how some people can be the closest to you, yet seem so distant when you need them.

Raaaaah. I don't know why I'm blogging more these days, maybe it's the mood.

Just a little smile can make a person's day. Smile, and see what I mean.

Die 8 hours of school tomorrow. I want cookies and lasagna.

And as the search for self continues, we look for answers everywhere. In nature, in God, in tiny tragedies that may never be understood. But still, we are driven to it, single-minded on one goal: to find our purpose on this earth. No matter what the ramifications, the friendships that may be hurt, or the deals with the devil we need to make.

Smile, and show everyone how beautiful you are.

Hello lonely.

The earth is large — large enough that you think you can hide from anything. From fate, from God — if only you found a place far enough away. So you run. To the edge of the earth, where all is safe again — quiet and warm. The solace of salt air. The peace of danger left behind. The luxury of grief. And maybe for a moment you believe you have escaped.

Whee 3 weeks into April and I've updated like 5 times when I updated only 4 times during March.

Poly has finally started, and I'm having a great time here at TP. Funny lecturers that pronounce "gender" properly, $40++ textbooks, and a board game cafe visit in 2 weeks.

On the other hand, it kills to be waiting for the same bus as 8328654365483659243 other people.

• 61 Lecture Theatres
• 1240-seater Temasek Convention Centre
• 555-seater and 250-seater Auditoria
• An Outdoor Amphi-theatre
• Industry-relevant Laboratories and Training Facilities
• An 11-storey Library
• Retail Shops
• Postal Services
• A Student Lounge
• Alumni Lounge
• Sports Complex

(Track-and-Field Stadium, 3-D Rock Climbing Wall, 2 Indoor Volleyball/Netball court, 2 Outdoor Volleyball/Netball Courts, 1 Outdoor Netball Court, 1 Indoor Basketball Court , 2 Outdoor Basketball Courts, 8 Indoor Badminton/4 Sepak Takraw courts, 2 Squash Courts, Table Tennis Equipment, 8 Tennis Courts, Multi-Purpose Astroturf, Football/Rugby Pitch, 2 Outdoor Street Soccer Courts, Gymnasium, Rock Gymnasium, 1 6-station Fitness Corner.)

• 2 Jamming Studios
• 2 Dance Studios
• 2 BBQ Pits
• Beach Volleyball Court
• Cricket Pitch
• Swimming Complex

(1 Training Pool, 1 Olympic Size Swimming Pool and 1 Children's/Wading Pool.)

• Adventure Learning Course
• Five Canteens

(Business Park, MENSA, The Designer Pad, The Short Circuit and The Bread Board.)

• One Food Court (Flavours)
• 3 Cafés (Jupiter Café, Sugarloaf Café, Bistro Walk)
• 1 restaurant (The Top Table)
• CHEERS convenience store

Thank you Wikipedia. But Mensa's food sucks. I never knew we had a children's pool.Kewl.

 

I love the reservoir behind. Gives me an open space to connect with nature, time to think, be myself. 

I don't feel like typing much now, most of the stuff I wanted to say has already faded away.

I hope the rest of them are having fun, wherever they are.

You can run far. You can take your small precautions, but have you really gotten away? Can you ever escape? Or is the truth that you do not have the strength or cunning to hide from destiny? But the world is not small, you are. And fate can find you anywhere.

Death rages.

Back then, when I wanted those words, it came out so easily. Just like a flowing tap. But now, that tap's been screwed tight, and all that's coming out are little droplets, fragments of what could have been, and should have been.

I need to find that smoothness back. And let the words flow. But it's just so hard to say anything at the current state that we're in. And I need to know where I stand in her life.

Back on track, find out where I'm headed.

Death. It's something most people fear, and for good reason. Everything you've lived for, everything you've worked for, everyone you loved and love, all crumbles in front of  you the day you die.

I guess people don't want to die cause it means all they strived to achieve in their lives just vanishes. Or they just want to live it out, without any consequences.

To me, death is not something I fear, not something I look at with disgust.  In fact, I welcome death. It'll come sooner or later, whether you want it or not. Maybe I'm resigned to my own fate, and that I see this matter with tinted glasses. But it doesn't matter what others think. Effectively, everyday you lived for is in preparation for the day you die.

But death isn't the end. For believers, we go to Heaven. Wherever it is, I'm sure it's beautiful.

Who wants to live forever anyway?

"I guess not everybody gets old. Not everybody dies."

"Then you've just got that much longer to suffer, don't you."

- Sylar, Samson Gray

Sometimes you just want to put other people's happiness before yours:
because you love them, because they deserve it. 
Sometimes you want to go out of your way for people just 
because you know it's important that they get a chance to smile once in a while.