Bullet The Blue Sky

Happy New Year! I'll blog more tomorrow, pretty tired now.

The Swiss Army Romance

Today's quite an eventful day, I figured out quite a lot within 24 hours.

Mother dearest, she made me clear out most of the study room. Found loads of stuff I totally forgot about, such as my entire collection of marbles, and all those toys I had.

Brings back memories of when I wasn't distracted by computers, or anything digital, for that matter.

Briefing for camp was quite wut, distracted by other stuff.

I has this sudden revelation during the briefing, about the camp.

What's my true intention in going for the camp? I realized I've turned my eyes away from the true motive, the true reason why I volunteered to go.

I've been talking about opportunities, but I'm certain, this camp is not one of them. I need to keep my eyes and heart fully focused on God, and the Sec Ones, not on the Snickers Conundrum.

Yes, it would really advance our friendship/relationship if I focused on her instead, but that would be the wrong intention, in coming to the camp, wouldn't it?

I feel like sharing my testimony to the kids, but I don't feel right about it. I don't have that much to say, I don't have any "big" events in my life that would be relevant to them.

I want to someday touch someone, with my testimony, of what He has done in my life, of how He changed me from an ungrateful bastard, to one that is earnestly seeking redemption.

Let's waste time,

Chasing cars,

Around our heads.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.

And, it's the 31st again. Happy birthday, Desiree, if you're seeing this. I'm sorry for not giving you my all, and fabricating all those stories that barely justifies my absence. I hope you'll find someone who's perfect for you, and can look after you in every way that I couldn't.

It's that time of the year again. Where we reflect on the past year, what we've done, what we didn't do, relationships made, friendships strengthened, hearts broken, love found.

I don't really see many differences in my life, from now, and one year ago. I'm still without a school, I still can't play the guitar properly, I haven't made any headway in my love life.

But there is one, big, significant difference in my life. I have fully devoted myself, to live for Him, to have faith in His word, to carry out His will on Earth.

That one difference, to me, is worth one whole year. Accepting Him as my Savior is easy, but to really devote everything to Him, to give it all up, is another thing altogether.

I don't really have any resolutions for this new year, other than living my life in His image, and to follow His footsteps, glorifying His name with this Earthly body.

Actually, I do have some earthly resolutions, although I don't think I'm gonna keep to any of them.

1.Jam again with Admit One Only

2.Make some headway on the Snickers Conundrum

3.Get myself fit and ready for army

4.Plan a party for my grandparents

5.Staying happy

Honestly, even if I completed all these earthly resolutions, I wouldn't be satisfied. Not unless He looks down, and says, " Good job, son."

That's what I want. What I crave for. What I need. Acceptance. Approval. His smile.

I'm looking forward to service tomorrow. And Sunday's one. I haven't attended a TTB service in almost a month, and I'm missing it.

So here we are,

fighting, and trying to hide the scars.

I'll be home tonight,

Take a breath and softly say goodbye.

Anthem of the Angels.

"Seems like I'm always starting over. It's always my first day. When's it gonna be time for the rest?"

-Eric Doyle, the Puppet Master

I've been looking forward to these nights. The only time when I really have peace, when I can calm my thoughts down, and journal them down into this blog. It brings with it a sense of peace, and understanding within myself.

Been blog-hopping recently, and that feeling of disappointment of seeing others not updating is coming back. I guess it's karma, I wasn't that active myself until recently. Oh well.

Had dinner with my grandparents tonight, brings back memories of my childhood, when both Ah Kong and Ah Ma used to take me out, carrying me around when I could barely walk.

Makes me realize how much they've loved me, and the little I've done to repay them for this love.

I can feel you falling away.

No longer the lost,

No longer the same.

Life's been pretty much stagnant so far, think it's time for me to find a job. And start researching on that zookeeper career.

Oh & I want a boat. Not a really big one, just one nice and cozy enough for me to lie in, and enjoy the waves rocking, moving along to the beat of the sea.

It's nice to have a calm exterior force to move you, to just gently rock you to sleep.

Forever, and ever

These scars will remain.

Two minutes to midnight.

I'm back! I must say, it was a real satisfying trip. I'm glad I went for it. Spent loads of time with my family, and I finally realized how much I've been neglecting them.

At Malacca, I had this feeling. Of contentment. Similar to the feelings I had when I was younger. That calm in your heart, without reality rearing its ugly head. Freedom, to actually enjoy yourself without any limits. That special feeling I've been looking for. That inner peace.

On the other hand, as said above, spending time with my family was nice, especially with my younger cousins and my grandparents.

Dear Agony,

Just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's got to be?

I spent a lot of time thinking about The Snickers Conundrum when I was in Malacca. I realized, the lack of progress isn't due to external factors, it's because of my own hesitance.

I kept making excuses, "valid reasons" to why I didn't do anything when the opportunity was staring right at me.

"Oh, she's always with her group, it'll be awkward"

"She's talking to blahblah now, I can't just charge in like that"

"I'm not that close to her, it'll be weird if I just start a conversation like that"

After a while, there's no more inner conversations that I can have with myself; inner debates on whether I should go or not.

I kept thinking that there's always something there to hinder my progress. But what if there's nothing there, and I'm just looking for a reason to hesitate?

Three windows of opportunity, and I didn't take hold of a single one of them.

And I will find the enemy within,

'Cause I can feel it crawling beneath my skin.

One more opportunity looms. It's there for the taking. And this time, I'm not gonna make excuses for myself. It's just me, candybar, and God.

But what happens if it doesn't go as planned? I don't want to risk our friendship.

Again, too shy to ask, too proud to lose.

I guess there's no way around it. It's only by opening the box, that I can find out whether the cat is alive or dead.

Why does every post have to sound so sad? This isn't a real representative of me. I'm not emo, I'm just introspective.

It's time to seize the day.

Somewhere, far beyond this world.

I feel nothing anymore.

Oh, you beautiful stranger.

I'm kinda getting lazy to blog, even though I'm doing it for myself. Meh.

Christmas Day! Or it was, one hour and 44 minutes ago.

What can I say about this Christmas? For one, it definitely wasn't what I expected. Yes, I didn't expect to sing "Joy To The World" in no less than 4 languages.

Sermon was quite engaging today, I liked how Pastor Kow mixed it up with videos along the way.

Where the streets have no name.

Something struck me as I was eating my breakfast. A radio advert played, from Gold 90.5 FM.

Something about wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But what really got to me was the descriptions of Christmas. There was something about gift-giving, eating, and other material comforts.

Don't they know that Christmas isn't about material or physical satisfaction? Don't they know, that it signifies God Himself coming onto Earth, to live as a mortal man?

It's annoying to see, or in this case, hear, how the media has twisted and turned Christmas into a time for partying and getting yourself wasted.

Sigh, I'm ranting again.

Time to move to something less depressing. Something like.. music!

Ohohoh and I saw my face in FaithLink. Not a good picture. Thanks a million, Kenn.

This song came up today while I was trying to do something productive. It's a Westlife song, pretty old, but still kinda nice.

I'm too lazy to copy and paste all the lyrics here! One whole block of text, it's gonna turn all 3 of my readers off.

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you out of my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I just can't find
The courage to show to let you know
I've never felt love like this before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me ?
How will I know if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why don't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

If I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

How will I know if I let you go ?

Kind of the story of my life eh?

Never having any self-confidence to ask, to find out.

Spoke to Leroy about stuff, and he's the 5th person to know about the conundrum. Honestly, I can't think of anything to do, but to place it all in the hands of God. Have faith. He will make a way.

I'll be on a holiday until the 28th, and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I'd much rather be in church on the 27th, getting to know the kids, building bonds with them, but family is family. I'm sure even a small detail such as this still fits into His plan, so yeah, I'll leave it all to him.

With or without you.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!.

It's Christmas! Yes, I'm 2 hours and 40+ minutes late, but it doesn't matter. Better late than never!

Had a good period of reflection today, thinking about sacrifice, about giving.

Dear little girl,

So much hurt,

For such a young age.

Fact Number One. It feels so much better to give than to receive.

Service was very different today, quite cool to see Pastor Joel speaking in Mandarin to cater to the heartlanders.

When the light starts to burn,

When the pain returns.

Fact Number Two. Nothing ever lives up to it's expectations.

There was this one point in service where I felt truly alive. Not "alive" in bodily terms, but spiritual. When all the lights were turned off, where the only things that moved were the flames on our candles, and our lips, singing praises to Him. How awesome was it, to be standing there, at that moment, just singing praises to Him?

I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.

Fact Number Three. Christmas isn't about gifts and presents and lights and decorations. It's about the Son of God coming onto Earth, a joyous event that should be celebrated for what it is.

I reflected upon what I was after the service. Have I really given it all to Him? Can I fall back on nothing but faith? Am I doing His will in my life?

It's not that I don't enjoy Christmas, on the contrary, I do. It's just that many people are celebrating it for the wrong reasons, past versions of me included. Christmas has been mangled to be seen as a time when trees are placed in houses, money is spent freely, and merry-making is smiled upon.

How can we make it known to the world, that it's only through Him, that we live.

How can we make it known that this day, the 25th of December, is a time for celebrating His birth.

How can we make it known, that He is our One and only Savior.

How can you expect to win this war?

When you're too afraid to fight.

On a lighter note, I'm starting a prayer request service. I'll start with my cell group, then gradually move on to a larger group of people. Just trying to help everyone, one step at a time.

Stand unafraid,

All the good souls

Stand unafraid.

I've been having this really bad cough that's been sticking with me since church camp. I pray that it goes away soon, my throat's dying because of it.

Stand unafraid.

No matter what.

'Cause You're all I want,

You're all I need,

You're everything,

You'e everything.

I didn't realize it's so close to Christmas. I'm not really feeling the festive spirit right now.

Alden said something about walking down Orchard Road and looking at the decorations. But I don't think that's what Christmas is about, decorations and presents.

They say it's the season of giving, but how can we give something that's of value to others, when we've received the greatest gift anyone could ever get; eternal life.

Nothing else compares.

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You are everything.

The cycle.

Okay, my third post for the night. Reason why I didn't just merge everything into one post? Because all three posts have different messages, and if I threw them all together, it'll just be one incoherent mess, leaving both you and me confused. Now, that's not what we want, is it?

I've been moving in a cycle. For many things. But there's this one that I want to write down, just to remind myself of it in the future.

It's the cycle of failed love.

Stage One. Initial Attraction.

You talk to her, she talks to you. It may happen the first time you see that person, it may be a delayed process. But inevitably, it will happen. And you can't do anything to stop it. You find every single thing that person does to be cute/charming/funny/(insert adjective here). you find yourself thinking of that person almost all the time. This is Stage One.

Stage Two. Progression Of Relationships.

You try to get to know that person better. You chat more often, sometimes everyday. You try to find reasons to be around that person. You find yourself drawn more and more into that spinning vortex, getting your head giddy with the feeling of ecstasy. You find yourself doing things you wouldn't usually do, just to get a conversation topic with that person. This is Stage Two.

Stage Three. Realization.

You find that there's others in his/her life. You think you know everything, but you find that what you know, is only a small and insignificant part of his/her life. You try to do anything to get yourself out of that zone,doing stupid things to get his/her attention. This is Stage Three.

Stage Four. Desperation.

Despite your best efforts, it's clear that he/she is not interested in you. In fact, he/she's probably interested in one of your friends instead of you. At this point, you're probably desperate for just a little of his/her attention. This is Stage Four.

Stage Five. Failure, Depression, and Acceptance.

He/she goes out with another person, they get attached, you fall into a deep depression, for about a week to a month. You get over it, accept the fact that they're not gonna be with you, at least for now, and move on to someone else, restarting the cycle. This is Stage Five.

Of course, not all relationships follow this crappy made-up cycle I came up with. In fact, I'm willing to bet that less than 20% of all romantic relationships come under this cycle. But why am I still writing about it? It's just to remind myself, because whether I like it or not, I always find myself being dragged down into this cycle. This post's gonna be a reminder, of what's gonna happen, and the steps I need to take to stop it.

I just hope this current one's not gonna suffer the same fate as those before it.

I don't ever want to forget that smile.

4.31 AM

Cell Group Chalet!

I am-

(a) tired after 5 solid lack-of-sleep nights

(b) not gonna talk because my throat is really killing me

(c) sad because my headphones just died on me

(d) happy because it's raining at night

Cell group chalet was okay, I guess. Not what I hyped it out to be, but then again, nothing ever is.

I sort of miss the other two Fairsians when they weren't around, sounds like a gay bromance.

Night cycling was fun, especially when it rained. As those drops of water fell on me, I truly felt alive.

The cycling also really made me realize my place. I'm nothing, without His hand guiding me, showing me the path.

I sort of bonded with the others, or those that bothered to come. Had this nice chat with Joel about kelongs and fishing. It's nice to see that beneath all those differences that all of us have, we're very similar people.

Had this chat with Deric about our thoughts, and it made me realize that I really read into stuff too much. Not everything has a inner meaning, sometimes, you just have to take stuff for what they are; it's face value. Sometimes, there's no message waiting to be heard underneath that action, and that's why you don't get a reply most of the time.

But that doesn't mean I'm gonna change the way I see things. Sooner or later, I'm gonna understand someone's inner message to me. And when that day comes, I'm not gonna let that message, and the opportunity it brings, go.

The inevitable fade to black.

Perfection is nothing but an illusion. A lie we fabricate, to make us believe that there is something more we can aim for, something beyond human boundaries.

Perfection lies only in the face of God, nothing else.

Sleep now in the fire.

My total number of blog posts this month's more than the combined total of July to November. Awesome.

Today was good, I guess. Discovery didn't really help me discover much, rather ironic. But still, it was fruitful, going through the lessons and thinking of hooks for the kids. I can already imagine the lessons!

There was this little something that Leroy mentioned to me earlier, about commitment. He was talking about the Sec ones, about committing your next 6 years to them, not giving up, persevering all the way through.

I realized that commitment doesn't just apply to the teaching, but to almost everything else.

Commitment to your studies. That, I evidently lacked. Commitment to your future career. Commitment to your religion. Commitment to your spouse.

Can I count on myself to commit, fully, with knowledge that He will provide?

Just as I was thinking about that line above, a song come up on my iTunes.

Carry on, my wayward son.

There'll be peace when you are done.

Lay your worried head to rest;

Don't you cry no more.

A message? Or just pure coincidence? I choose to believe the former, not because I want reassurance, but because I know that He is trying to speak to me, through whatever medium possible.

What does that verse mean? Up to interpretation, I have absolutely no idea, but I really do want to know.

Know His plan for me. Know what is ahead. However, just as the Liang Wei said, you don't need to know everything. Have faith, and He will provide.

Have faith.

Everything about you, is so easy to love.

I realize that I've been writing in a narrative style for most of my posts. Gives that storybook feel to my life, doesn't it?

And I believe in the Kingdom come

When all the colors bleed into one.

You broke the bonds and loosened the chains.

Carried the cross,

Of my shame.

You know I believe it.

But I still haven't found, what I'm looking for.

What lies beneath.

It's just so irritating to open the fridge, see all those tiny morsels of happiness, pleading " Eat me!", while you stand by the side, unable to do anything about it because your mother's gonna stop your cash flow if one single piece goes missing.

Fine, I gave in, I ate one. ONE. ONE chocolate macaroon! I mean, argh.

I can't believe it's already Thursday. Church camp seems so long ago. I just hope that this spiritual high continues.

Die, soccer tomorrow @ NP @ 10. I don't think I'll make it.

Second season of Reaper's been quite good, I have no idea why it was canceled. Tyler Labine is the shit. He's just like a Jack Black on network television.

Just one more glimpse of that beautiful smile, and I'm done for tonight.

This Modern Love

My mum has this $75 box of chocolates in the fridge, and it's taking all of my willpower not to touch it. Apparently, it's for the whole family to savor. Damn.

BUT, there's no "KEEP OFF" sign on the soya tarts, which have found a new dwelling place! My mouth!

This week's been pretty uneventful so far, but I'm looking forward to the weekend! Discovery on Friday, and cell group retreat on on Sat-Mon!

Somehow, Sundays have become my favorite days. I used to dread waking up for church, but my body feels wrong if it doesn't wake itself up at 7.30am on Sundays.

Bloc Party = awesome. Anberlin=awesome. Breaking Benjamin=awesome. Iron Maiden=awesome. Coldplay=awesome. Rage Against The Machine=awesome. Backstreet Boys=awesome.Metallica=awesome. Foo Fighters=awesome. God= AWESOME.

This is the correlation between salvation and love,

Don't drop your arms,I'll guard your heart

With quiet words, I'll lead you in.

I wanna go to a live concert! At least once before I die.

12.12 AM

The Snickers Conundrum

Operation: Candy Bar has been officially changed to The Snickers Conundrum. Why? Sounds cooler, and Snickers is just awesome.

I want the Forgetting Sarah Marshall OST!

Hawaii's a beautiful place, I have to be there for like at least a week before I die.

Today was quite good, Liverpool lost again. I'm beginning to really enjoy Sundays, for all the right reasons.

I just can't get enough of your company, and I'm excited, and glad, to see where this takes me.

If anything could ever be this good again.

Is it a good thing to be coughing out blood?

Match just ended, United 0-1 Villa. sigh.

Had this feeling Villa was gonna get something from it, they've really been on form since the win against Liverpool.

This is why Villa's my second favorite EPL club. They play like a team, co-ordinated, not giving up any ball.

James Milner was awesome. Same can't be said for King Ando.

A rather sad conclusion to what was quite a good day, by my standards.

Soccer practise was good, feels great to finally use my boots again and train properly, not that half-assed crap we play on Gan Eng Seng.

Parish party was meh, nothing much actually. Company was good, however.

Crashed outside DailyScoops after parish party, chatted for quite some time with the cell group mates.

I like the fact that we're gonna be together for like, the rest of our lives. Makes the times we share all the more special. I feel a very good vibe coming from Ocean, especially after church camp.

Argh, shouldn't have had that frozen B-cup, my throat's killing me now.>:(

Oh Love, don't let me go.

Won't you take me where the street lights glow?

Operation Candy Bar is going smoothly, results shouldn't be out so soon, but let's see how it goes.

There are some things that I just can't take. Like people who can't spell properly. It's you're, not your. It's they're, not their.

But on her, I don't find it irritating. I don't just find it tolerable, I like it. 'Cause it's the little things, that make me love every single bit of her.

When she gave me that sweet, sweet smile my heart just melted.

Can't everyday feel like this, forever?

Now, my feet won't touch the ground.

3.39 AM

Be strong, believe.

Just had this brainwave as I was returning home.

I was at Dover MRT, walking down the stairs, observing everyone.

Then I realised. I am nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd, another name in the endless sea of alphabets.

Who am I, that He died for me? Gave up His life, to save this sick, two-faced bastard?

I walked on, and my music player decided to attune itself to my moods. These lyrics stood out to me, like He was telling me something.

I wanna make a change, right here, right now,

I wanna live a life like you somehow.

I wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile.

And yes, I want to make a change right now, and live a life like Yours.

Everything is gonna be alright, be strong, believe.

On another note, stayover at the Cougar's den was epic, just for that sight of Mund grumbling at his sister. AHAHA.

Esther: Wake up la, I made breakfast for you and your friends!!

Edmund:Stop irritating me la, let me sleep!

Esther:But later the food cold then you complain again.

Edmund:I won't complain la, go away.

" " "

You get my drift.

OH, and Mund's passport pic is EPIC. DAMN CUTE CAN?

And it's damn funny so see Mund nagging at his sister to do his work. Goodness.

It's wasting me away, everytime I think of you. More and more each day, I feel it. Like a flood coming in. But I can's do anything to express it, especially under current circumstances.

Have faith, and He will provide.

But I can't find the words to tell you.

That very first time I looked you in the eyes, my heart raced. Not for the lesson or whatever came afterward, but for you.

Everytime I'm around you, I feel weak. Every single aspect of you just takes my breath away.

Your flawless hair, your beautiful smile, your sparkling eyes, that sweet voice.

Right now, I just wish I got to know you better before, instead of struggling with my self-esteem and confidence issues.

I may not have the softest touch

I may not say the words as such

And though I may not look like much

I'm yours.

I'm back to square one. 6 months later, it's still the same. But different in a way. I just feel that she's the one. But then again, I felt the same for everyone before. What makes this any different?

Story of my life: Is this the right candy bar for me?

Empowered by the Holy Spirit, to do whatever is pleasing to His eyes.

This week was awesome. In more ways than one.

Church camp was really great. Once again, I felt the Spirit flowing through me, molding me to do His will, to live a life for Him.

For a long time I wondered, why did Jesus die for me? Who was I, do deserve his sacrifice.

But the answer was there all along, I just didn't see it.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

For the Bible tells me so.

It's right there. Just because the His Word says so. Nothing else matters, apart from the fact that He loved me, and gave his life for me.

Right now, I'm still struggling to live a Godly life, in my words, thoughts, and actions. It's a long, uphill battle. But I know I can make it, with Him leading me through.

One message that really spoke to me was the one on God's calling. One particular sentence rang out, like a gong amidst all the mayhem.

"When we ask Him for advise, it's just for His mark of approval. Even if He disagrees, we still go on with it anyway."

^ That was who I was. Praying only to ask God for His stamp of approval, not listening when he said no, not heeding His word, not following His direction for my life.

Only now, I realise, it is only through Christ, that we have strength. Man on his own, is nothing.

Heng Guang, learn to give Him your all, have faith. Let faith guide your way, don't get bounded by the ways of the world.

This is me, now, transformed.

I know I don't fit in that much,

But I'm Yours.

Dear God,

How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?