Dangerous and Sweet.

Dear you,

I like it when we sit next to each other

and your leg fits perfectly against mine.

I like it when our feet bump,

& we don't apologize.

I like this comfort.

I like this closeness.

I like you.

Cadence.

This blog isn't supposed to be emo.

I really can't blog without music in my head eh? Heh.

Only two more weeks to P.O.P.! Seems so far awayyyy sigh I can't wait for recruit life to be over.

God's been teaching me loads of lessons these few weeks, things I really need to implement into my life. Somehow, it feels forced. Like I don't have any motivation to really change myself, for the better.

Lesson 1. Patience. Nothing ever comes out good when you rush it.

I've been waiting for over a month, and despite my attempts to rush the matter, despite all I'm doing to speed things up, it feels like it's moving at a snail's pace. Guess I really need to learn patience.

Lesson 2. Expectations. God never ever grants you what you expect.

I'm always dreaming of strange circumstances, ideal situations to be in. I never get what I want, but that's okay. I know I'll get what I need, at the end of it all.

Lesson 3. Grace. I don't deserve this.

God's love isn't earnt, it isn't gained by good deeds or the like. It's given. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, it's given freely to everyone, of any background, any race, of any type. There's nothing more I can do, nothing less that can change His love for me.

Lesson 4. Judging. First impressions never change.

Despite every attempt to change my views of others, I always fall back onto my usually accurate first impression. Seems that others are doing the same, and that's not very good. We're all falling into the big bracket called stereotypes.

Lesson 5. Faith.

Lesson 6. Sleep.

A lack of sleep makes HG moody, sullen and downright annoying. I'm gonna work on that right now, nights!

Heartstrings, you're tugging at my heartstrings.

The closer I come to you, the closer I am to finding God.

You're a miracle to me.

Maybe This Time.

This week's been a real roller-coaster ride. In good ways, and bad.

Faith fluctuates.

I really need to be grateful for whatever I've been given, and not to ask for more.

Something I realized about signs. Yes, the Devil may manipulate whatever's in front of us, but we forget that God knows all. He is omnipotent, nothing is hidden from Him.

So, even if the Devil does play around with our minds, it's what He planned. He doesn't place anything in our way that we can handle, nothing that we can't deal with, with God's help.

Peter Chao is hilarious. Really. I think I'm getting high thanks to him. :D

I miss you.

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky.

Maybe this time, she'll stay.

Maybe this time,

For the first time,

Love won't hurry away.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

I don't know why, but I'm not really enjoying my weekends. It's the only time I have away from that damn camp, but this isn't where I want to be right now. It's not like I'd rather be in camp, away from everyone, but I'm not feeling any positive emotions when I'm out.

I don't know why, but I'm getting really emotional lately, for no reason. I keep thinking, worrying about all that's happening around me, anticipating the worst when I know the situation's not that bad.

Maybe it's the music I'm listening to, maybe it's all that emotion pouring over from previous experiences, but I don't want to be bogged down by anyone, or anything at the moment.

I don't see any explanation for my emotions right now. I was actually hyper on Friday, expecting the best. I didn't get what I wanted, but I got what I needed. Still, I'm feeling down. Very down.

Someone asked me this morning, about my intentions for joining ministry. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea why I joined Outreach. Yes, I got invited to, but I didn't have the obligation to agree, but I did. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was God telling me that He had a plan, but I just don't see it. I don't see it at all. I can't reach out to others, to non-believers. Heck, I can't even reach out to my own parents. I'm seriously doubting myself now, second-guessing everything I do, every move I make, every word I say.

I think I'm gonna cry my eyes out this Sunday night again.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

Something got me thinking about signs. I've always believed in them, how small things are signs shown by God, His will for us.

But, what about the Devil? After all, Satan's power is second only to God. What if the 'signs' we see are not placed there by God, but put there by Satan? What if we believe in what we see, and end up tripping, and falling over, into sin and darkness?

What if everything you've ever believed in turned out to be a lie?

Just another one of those days.

Today's been real depressing. It's one of those days where nothing really went wrong, but you still feel this hole deep within your heart. It's one of those days where things mostly went right, but you still get that crappy feeling at the end of the day.

Yeah, that's today in short.

My grandpa fell in the bathroom on Friday, and although I didn't show it, my heart stopped beating when my mum told me about it. Apparently it wasn't that bad, he didn't need to visit the hospital or anything like that, but still, it's scary. The fact that your loved ones can fade away so quickly, with one slip, with one slight mishandle.

I don't know why I'm feeling so down. There's absolutely no reason for me to feel like this, given the circumstances and what happened this week. My head's driving me crazy, I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think.

I'm kinda glad I took time off to walk around, to think through everything, to sort my thoughts out. Time well spent eh?

I've always thought myself as a lion. The animal that represented me the most. Strong, powerful, majestic. Everything I always wanted to be. Now I've come to realize that I'm more of a walrus.

Charming eh?

Lions operate in prides, eg herds, each cat dependent on each other, with the lions acting as leaders.

Walruses live in colonies, but they generally keep to themselves.

I live with many others, but I like keeping to myself. I'm not a natural leader, I'd much rather take the back row, it's much more spacious there.

Lions are fit, strong and fast. A walrus is fat, slow and clumsy. I guess it's pretty obvious which animal I'm more similar to.

Lions spend most of their time with their pride, while walruses live out most of their lives alone.

I prefer spending time with myself, just like a walrus.

I guess I've misjudged myself all along, HG ain't a majestic lion. He's a big old walrus in an identity crisis.

Sorry if this post's messy, it's a reflection of how I'm feeling right now. Sigh.

Oh I didn't realize it's the 24th of April. Oh boy. No wonder today felt so crappy.

Night Of The Hunter.

I've missed blogging. Feels so much different from keeping a diary, yet awfully similar at the same time.

I think I've found a good settling place, in between my two very different personalities. Balance. An equilibrium of traits, those that I need to keep, moving away from those that make me sinful and worldly.

This week in National Service's been quite good, I find myself accepting whatever that's thrown at me, and making the best of what I have. Pushing myself to the limit, physically, mentally and emotionally. It feels good, to surpass what I did before.

I feared that my walk with God would suffer greatly after I enlisted. In reality, it's been exactly the opposite. If anything, I feel much closer to Him, more than ever.

My one-week old iTouch's been serving me real well, Unblock Me's given me a reason to look forward to maintenance periods. With U2 to sing me to sleep every night, what more could I ask for? hehe.

I'm still feeling real confused right now, it's been only a week. I keep looking for signs, but how do I know if they really are signs? The last time I followed what my heart said, I got burnt. Real bad. I don't think I'll be asking my left and right ventricles for advice anymore.

On another, lighter note, I got into the Footdrill Competition Squad. Yay me. As if that's any surprise hoho. And I passed my IPPT, most of it anyway.

There was this very very long post in my NS diary about how God pulled me though everything, but I forgot to bring my diary back. Oh well.

I'm real tired. Expect one update a week from now on, unless I get posted to a 9-5 vocation. Deal with it, that's life. hehe.

New found glory.

I feel very drained. Physically and mentally. I've been really stretched these few days, with temptations coming in from every corner. Both in camp, and back at home. It's worse here, cause there's nothing to hold me back.

I've got a real dilemma, I can't decide between all these choices that stand in front of me, and there hasn't been a sign to which I should go for. This really sucks. There's so much I stand to lose, so much I don't know.

On a much lighter note, I think I'm pretty much set toward a 8-5 vocation in SCDF. My eyes, knees and ankles are too faulty for me to fight fires! So yeah, desk job for me hohohoho.

Gosh, I just realised this blog's been alive for more than a year! Awesome stuff. Thanks for my 4 readers for coming back, you know how much I love you guys, this place wouldn't be the same without you all!

Then again, I've been pretty much inactive for like forever, kind of cancels out much of that one year eh?

10 weeks left! And 3 weeks more to my paycheck and iTouch wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!