Just another one of those days.

Today's been real depressing. It's one of those days where nothing really went wrong, but you still feel this hole deep within your heart. It's one of those days where things mostly went right, but you still get that crappy feeling at the end of the day.

Yeah, that's today in short.

My grandpa fell in the bathroom on Friday, and although I didn't show it, my heart stopped beating when my mum told me about it. Apparently it wasn't that bad, he didn't need to visit the hospital or anything like that, but still, it's scary. The fact that your loved ones can fade away so quickly, with one slip, with one slight mishandle.

I don't know why I'm feeling so down. There's absolutely no reason for me to feel like this, given the circumstances and what happened this week. My head's driving me crazy, I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think.

I'm kinda glad I took time off to walk around, to think through everything, to sort my thoughts out. Time well spent eh?

I've always thought myself as a lion. The animal that represented me the most. Strong, powerful, majestic. Everything I always wanted to be. Now I've come to realize that I'm more of a walrus.

Charming eh?

Lions operate in prides, eg herds, each cat dependent on each other, with the lions acting as leaders.

Walruses live in colonies, but they generally keep to themselves.

I live with many others, but I like keeping to myself. I'm not a natural leader, I'd much rather take the back row, it's much more spacious there.

Lions are fit, strong and fast. A walrus is fat, slow and clumsy. I guess it's pretty obvious which animal I'm more similar to.

Lions spend most of their time with their pride, while walruses live out most of their lives alone.

I prefer spending time with myself, just like a walrus.

I guess I've misjudged myself all along, HG ain't a majestic lion. He's a big old walrus in an identity crisis.

Sorry if this post's messy, it's a reflection of how I'm feeling right now. Sigh.

Oh I didn't realize it's the 24th of April. Oh boy. No wonder today felt so crappy.

Night Of The Hunter.

I've missed blogging. Feels so much different from keeping a diary, yet awfully similar at the same time.

I think I've found a good settling place, in between my two very different personalities. Balance. An equilibrium of traits, those that I need to keep, moving away from those that make me sinful and worldly.

This week in National Service's been quite good, I find myself accepting whatever that's thrown at me, and making the best of what I have. Pushing myself to the limit, physically, mentally and emotionally. It feels good, to surpass what I did before.

I feared that my walk with God would suffer greatly after I enlisted. In reality, it's been exactly the opposite. If anything, I feel much closer to Him, more than ever.

My one-week old iTouch's been serving me real well, Unblock Me's given me a reason to look forward to maintenance periods. With U2 to sing me to sleep every night, what more could I ask for? hehe.

I'm still feeling real confused right now, it's been only a week. I keep looking for signs, but how do I know if they really are signs? The last time I followed what my heart said, I got burnt. Real bad. I don't think I'll be asking my left and right ventricles for advice anymore.

On another, lighter note, I got into the Footdrill Competition Squad. Yay me. As if that's any surprise hoho. And I passed my IPPT, most of it anyway.

There was this very very long post in my NS diary about how God pulled me though everything, but I forgot to bring my diary back. Oh well.

I'm real tired. Expect one update a week from now on, unless I get posted to a 9-5 vocation. Deal with it, that's life. hehe.

New found glory.

I feel very drained. Physically and mentally. I've been really stretched these few days, with temptations coming in from every corner. Both in camp, and back at home. It's worse here, cause there's nothing to hold me back.

I've got a real dilemma, I can't decide between all these choices that stand in front of me, and there hasn't been a sign to which I should go for. This really sucks. There's so much I stand to lose, so much I don't know.

On a much lighter note, I think I'm pretty much set toward a 8-5 vocation in SCDF. My eyes, knees and ankles are too faulty for me to fight fires! So yeah, desk job for me hohohoho.

Gosh, I just realised this blog's been alive for more than a year! Awesome stuff. Thanks for my 4 readers for coming back, you know how much I love you guys, this place wouldn't be the same without you all!

Then again, I've been pretty much inactive for like forever, kind of cancels out much of that one year eh?

10 weeks left! And 3 weeks more to my paycheck and iTouch wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Taking Chances.

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world, but

Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call Earth.

You don't know much about my past, and

I don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

I just want to start again,

And maybe you could show me how to try,

And maybe you could take me in,

Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

And I had my heart beating down,

But I always come back for more, yeah.

There's nothing like love to pull you up,

When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,

Like lovers do.

Yeah walk with me, walk with me,

Like lovers do,

Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

Don't know much about your life

And I don't know much about your world.

What was the price on his head?

I'm kind of finding blogging a chore right now, I don't really have the time nor energy to support this habit of mine.

6 hours of sleep on weekdays are just not enough. Still, I thank God for everything that He's done in my NS life so far.

Had a pretty bad emotional breakdown on the book-in night, felt really confused and lost. The encouragement from all my friends outside really helped, reading all those texts really made me fell better. If any of you are reading this, thank you!

Training's been intensive, but not tough. Nothing I've not gone through before, but I know I'm not doing it with my own strength. Total reliance on God.

If there's one thing I've learnt from my 2 weeks in NS, it's giving everything up, and leaving it all to Him. What He has promised, He will deliver.

There's been some good things from these two weeks. Firstly, the morning view's amazing. Being finally able to see the sky change from total darkness to a pale blue hue is just awesome.

Being so close to nature's cool too, it's nice to just stand by the window and listen to the crickets, the rustling wind, or lie down during PT and look at the flocks of birds flying by.

Got tested in a few ways, and I learnt that patience and prayer is the only way to deal with problematic people and problems. There's no way we can ever fully solve the situation without God's help.

I'm still not looking forward to Sunday, I think I'm gonna get emotionally uptight again.

Oh well, Good Friday to look forward to in 2 weeks!

Honestly, there's just so much to thank God for yeah? My friends, me being in Charlie Company, my OC, PC, PS, APS, my bunkmates, everything.

Yes, there are things that I can't understand, things I can't begin to fathom. Why God did this, why He put certain people in my life. But I'm still gonna carry out His will.

Just like the parable of the virgins, if we aren't ready with the oil in our lamps when our groom comes, we'll be left behind in the darkness, with weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Isaiah 40:31

but those that hope in the LORD

will renew their strength

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

This is my theme verse for my 13 weeks here, and with God's help, I'm gonna live by it.

Justification of faith.

I'm back! From serving the nation, and this break in blogging! Seems that the self-imposed hiatus didn't really last long, I've got real inspiration flowing now, it's amazing how the passion just comes back so quickly.

National Service's been quite.. mixed for me. On one hand, I'm really enjoying my time there, I found a purpose (sorta), I've got great roommates, I'm appreciating every single thing that God has put into my life, in the past, present and future.

On the other side, it kinda sucks to not have hair, it's real retarded to wake up at 4am every morning, and fatigue is really beginning to settle in.

I guess what NS really gave me so far, is perspective. On how God has really, continually blessed me with so much, even though I don't get what I want.

I can't say I'm fully satisfied with where I am now, but I am truly thankful for every single thing that He has provided me with, people, friends, and all that stuff.

I never realized how much my family and friends meant to me until that first night. And yes, real men aren't afraid to cry. (:

There's a lot of choices I have to make now, regarding my vocation, and what I'm going to do after I'm out. But there's nothing to be afraid of, God's with me!

Still, I can't help but think about what could have happened if you'd just accepted me. I'm not asking for anything definite now, just acceptance.

It's a real trying time for many of us, and there's definitely no way we can do it all by ourselves.

I feel like spamming randomly here, kinda fun to see what sorta stuff I'm gonna be typing down. Here goes!

Paramore's lyrics kinda summarize how I feel right now. Crap, I totally should have went for their concert.

My bed is totally awesome, and I really miss my bolsterrrrrrrr!

God is awesome.

Someone should totally make a mash-up of This Is Our God & Came To My Rescue. Hehe.

I miss my music.

I want an iTouch.

I know what I'm gonna do with my first paycheck!!!

I'm kinda looking forward to my (hopefully) dog trainer vocation, but I don't know if that's where I should be.

Wow. That was quite a mouthful.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday, I pray it's not gonna be too much on me.

Wait. It's never gonna be too much. As long as I have faith in Him, He will carry me through!

Yes, He will!

I feel so justified right now.

Enjoy the silence.

I don't really feel like blogging anymore. Maybe one day I'll find the passion back, maybe not. I don't know how long this hiatus's gonna be for, a week, a month, maybe forever.

I just don't want anything to do with this right now, anything that reminds me.

So, enjoy this silence.

Words are very unnecessary; they can only do harm.

-Depeche Mode