Shift

My tumblr's finally up!

www.phantomsnow.tumblr.com

No, I'm not abandoning this place, although it's been filled with loads of negative emotions lately. I'm gonna be posting all the serious stuff here, like my feelings, crappy stuff, and all that. The happy stuff's gonna be on the other side, thought I may think about putting it here as well. Brighten this place up a little, it's not all doom and gloom here!

I think I'm getting back into the habit of blogging!

What now?

Am I really that special?

I'm No Superman

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Sometimes, when people are sad, nothing can really bring them back up right away. Not words, not good advice, or even the people around them trying to make them happy can’t make them happy just like that. We should never tell someone to just be happy and forget about what’s holding them down because we’re not dealing with the pain in their heart. It takes time and patience for someone to get back up. It’s not that easy.

I'm not feeling good. Not at all. I'm sick, hurt, alone and lonely.

I'm not really in the mood for blogging right now, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood ever again.

The Fix.

I think I'm going crazy.

I'm seeing repeated numbers, over and over again. Somehow, whenever I look at my watch/iPod/handphone, the first and last, digits always correspond to each other.

It's like some weird, sick symmetry.

I've been seeing signs. Loads of them. But signs of what? I don't know to take it as reassurance, or something different. I don't know if it's right to continue, or give up right now.

To fix a problem, time, patience and co-operation is needed. Unfortunately for me, I'm impatient, time's moving much too slowly, and the other party refuses to reply. It just sucks to be in this position, especially since I've put in so much effort into making this work. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, looking at the darker side of things. But current circumstances don't give me any other choice.

Maybe a catalyst is needed. A spark, an ignition. But.. When. Where. Who. What. Why. How.

So many questions, and I just don't have the answers for everything right now.

This isn't supposed to be emo. I'm not supposed to be emo. I grew out of that self-pitying stage ages ago. Life just likes to throw curveballs at me, one after another. Honestly, I'm getting sick and tired of it. I don't want to live in a roller-coaster anymore. I don't want to fight these conflicting feelings anymore. I just want a resolution.

2010 was supposed to be a good year. Look how it turned out to be.

I don't believe this is the end of it. Yes, I slipped up. Yes, I said stuff I shouldn't have. But I can't help it. That's me. That's how I am, awkward, honest, ignorant, hopeful.

Take this chance. Give me this one last chance. Say something, anything. You know I hang onto every word you say. Give me something to live on.

You won't regret it.

I hope this week turns out to be better. I doubt it, with guard duty, crappy lectures, and silence from those that matter.

I r e a l l y n e e d t o g r o w o u t o f t h i s h a b i t c a l l e d f a i l u r e .

Lightbulb.

Whoooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

This week's been freakin' crazy, I can't even keep up with it all in my head. It's been one of the most tumultuous weeks of my life, ever.

I guess I haven't learnt what God's been trying to teach way. Time for me to learn it the hard way then. Sigh.

I'm expecting too much, too quickly. What saddens me the most, is that everything could have been avoided if I'd listened. If I'd obeyed. If I had faith.

Sigh.

Now life has killed the dream I dream.

This world we live in demands results instantly, there's no room for laggers, no room for slower ones, patience's been totally wiped out from our nature. And it just sucks. The fact that we'll all attuned to this lifestyle, to this speed. Why can't we just take some time, to stop and smell the roses.

And don't you dare say we can just be friends.
I'm not some boy that you can sway.
We knew it'd happen eventually.

I need to fix it all.

Dangerous and Sweet.

Dear you,

I like it when we sit next to each other

and your leg fits perfectly against mine.

I like it when our feet bump,

& we don't apologize.

I like this comfort.

I like this closeness.

I like you.

Cadence.

This blog isn't supposed to be emo.

I really can't blog without music in my head eh? Heh.

Only two more weeks to P.O.P.! Seems so far awayyyy sigh I can't wait for recruit life to be over.

God's been teaching me loads of lessons these few weeks, things I really need to implement into my life. Somehow, it feels forced. Like I don't have any motivation to really change myself, for the better.

Lesson 1. Patience. Nothing ever comes out good when you rush it.

I've been waiting for over a month, and despite my attempts to rush the matter, despite all I'm doing to speed things up, it feels like it's moving at a snail's pace. Guess I really need to learn patience.

Lesson 2. Expectations. God never ever grants you what you expect.

I'm always dreaming of strange circumstances, ideal situations to be in. I never get what I want, but that's okay. I know I'll get what I need, at the end of it all.

Lesson 3. Grace. I don't deserve this.

God's love isn't earnt, it isn't gained by good deeds or the like. It's given. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, it's given freely to everyone, of any background, any race, of any type. There's nothing more I can do, nothing less that can change His love for me.

Lesson 4. Judging. First impressions never change.

Despite every attempt to change my views of others, I always fall back onto my usually accurate first impression. Seems that others are doing the same, and that's not very good. We're all falling into the big bracket called stereotypes.

Lesson 5. Faith.

Lesson 6. Sleep.

A lack of sleep makes HG moody, sullen and downright annoying. I'm gonna work on that right now, nights!

Heartstrings, you're tugging at my heartstrings.

The closer I come to you, the closer I am to finding God.

You're a miracle to me.

Maybe This Time.

This week's been a real roller-coaster ride. In good ways, and bad.

Faith fluctuates.

I really need to be grateful for whatever I've been given, and not to ask for more.

Something I realized about signs. Yes, the Devil may manipulate whatever's in front of us, but we forget that God knows all. He is omnipotent, nothing is hidden from Him.

So, even if the Devil does play around with our minds, it's what He planned. He doesn't place anything in our way that we can handle, nothing that we can't deal with, with God's help.

Peter Chao is hilarious. Really. I think I'm getting high thanks to him. :D

I miss you.

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky.

Maybe this time, she'll stay.

Maybe this time,

For the first time,

Love won't hurry away.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

I don't know why, but I'm not really enjoying my weekends. It's the only time I have away from that damn camp, but this isn't where I want to be right now. It's not like I'd rather be in camp, away from everyone, but I'm not feeling any positive emotions when I'm out.

I don't know why, but I'm getting really emotional lately, for no reason. I keep thinking, worrying about all that's happening around me, anticipating the worst when I know the situation's not that bad.

Maybe it's the music I'm listening to, maybe it's all that emotion pouring over from previous experiences, but I don't want to be bogged down by anyone, or anything at the moment.

I don't see any explanation for my emotions right now. I was actually hyper on Friday, expecting the best. I didn't get what I wanted, but I got what I needed. Still, I'm feeling down. Very down.

Someone asked me this morning, about my intentions for joining ministry. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea why I joined Outreach. Yes, I got invited to, but I didn't have the obligation to agree, but I did. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was God telling me that He had a plan, but I just don't see it. I don't see it at all. I can't reach out to others, to non-believers. Heck, I can't even reach out to my own parents. I'm seriously doubting myself now, second-guessing everything I do, every move I make, every word I say.

I think I'm gonna cry my eyes out this Sunday night again.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

Something got me thinking about signs. I've always believed in them, how small things are signs shown by God, His will for us.

But, what about the Devil? After all, Satan's power is second only to God. What if the 'signs' we see are not placed there by God, but put there by Satan? What if we believe in what we see, and end up tripping, and falling over, into sin and darkness?

What if everything you've ever believed in turned out to be a lie?

Just another one of those days.

Today's been real depressing. It's one of those days where nothing really went wrong, but you still feel this hole deep within your heart. It's one of those days where things mostly went right, but you still get that crappy feeling at the end of the day.

Yeah, that's today in short.

My grandpa fell in the bathroom on Friday, and although I didn't show it, my heart stopped beating when my mum told me about it. Apparently it wasn't that bad, he didn't need to visit the hospital or anything like that, but still, it's scary. The fact that your loved ones can fade away so quickly, with one slip, with one slight mishandle.

I don't know why I'm feeling so down. There's absolutely no reason for me to feel like this, given the circumstances and what happened this week. My head's driving me crazy, I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think.

I'm kinda glad I took time off to walk around, to think through everything, to sort my thoughts out. Time well spent eh?

I've always thought myself as a lion. The animal that represented me the most. Strong, powerful, majestic. Everything I always wanted to be. Now I've come to realize that I'm more of a walrus.

Charming eh?

Lions operate in prides, eg herds, each cat dependent on each other, with the lions acting as leaders.

Walruses live in colonies, but they generally keep to themselves.

I live with many others, but I like keeping to myself. I'm not a natural leader, I'd much rather take the back row, it's much more spacious there.

Lions are fit, strong and fast. A walrus is fat, slow and clumsy. I guess it's pretty obvious which animal I'm more similar to.

Lions spend most of their time with their pride, while walruses live out most of their lives alone.

I prefer spending time with myself, just like a walrus.

I guess I've misjudged myself all along, HG ain't a majestic lion. He's a big old walrus in an identity crisis.

Sorry if this post's messy, it's a reflection of how I'm feeling right now. Sigh.

Oh I didn't realize it's the 24th of April. Oh boy. No wonder today felt so crappy.

Night Of The Hunter.

I've missed blogging. Feels so much different from keeping a diary, yet awfully similar at the same time.

I think I've found a good settling place, in between my two very different personalities. Balance. An equilibrium of traits, those that I need to keep, moving away from those that make me sinful and worldly.

This week in National Service's been quite good, I find myself accepting whatever that's thrown at me, and making the best of what I have. Pushing myself to the limit, physically, mentally and emotionally. It feels good, to surpass what I did before.

I feared that my walk with God would suffer greatly after I enlisted. In reality, it's been exactly the opposite. If anything, I feel much closer to Him, more than ever.

My one-week old iTouch's been serving me real well, Unblock Me's given me a reason to look forward to maintenance periods. With U2 to sing me to sleep every night, what more could I ask for? hehe.

I'm still feeling real confused right now, it's been only a week. I keep looking for signs, but how do I know if they really are signs? The last time I followed what my heart said, I got burnt. Real bad. I don't think I'll be asking my left and right ventricles for advice anymore.

On another, lighter note, I got into the Footdrill Competition Squad. Yay me. As if that's any surprise hoho. And I passed my IPPT, most of it anyway.

There was this very very long post in my NS diary about how God pulled me though everything, but I forgot to bring my diary back. Oh well.

I'm real tired. Expect one update a week from now on, unless I get posted to a 9-5 vocation. Deal with it, that's life. hehe.

New found glory.

I feel very drained. Physically and mentally. I've been really stretched these few days, with temptations coming in from every corner. Both in camp, and back at home. It's worse here, cause there's nothing to hold me back.

I've got a real dilemma, I can't decide between all these choices that stand in front of me, and there hasn't been a sign to which I should go for. This really sucks. There's so much I stand to lose, so much I don't know.

On a much lighter note, I think I'm pretty much set toward a 8-5 vocation in SCDF. My eyes, knees and ankles are too faulty for me to fight fires! So yeah, desk job for me hohohoho.

Gosh, I just realised this blog's been alive for more than a year! Awesome stuff. Thanks for my 4 readers for coming back, you know how much I love you guys, this place wouldn't be the same without you all!

Then again, I've been pretty much inactive for like forever, kind of cancels out much of that one year eh?

10 weeks left! And 3 weeks more to my paycheck and iTouch wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Taking Chances.

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world, but

Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call Earth.

You don't know much about my past, and

I don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

I just want to start again,

And maybe you could show me how to try,

And maybe you could take me in,

Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

And I had my heart beating down,

But I always come back for more, yeah.

There's nothing like love to pull you up,

When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,

Like lovers do.

Yeah walk with me, walk with me,

Like lovers do,

Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

Don't know much about your life

And I don't know much about your world.

What was the price on his head?

I'm kind of finding blogging a chore right now, I don't really have the time nor energy to support this habit of mine.

6 hours of sleep on weekdays are just not enough. Still, I thank God for everything that He's done in my NS life so far.

Had a pretty bad emotional breakdown on the book-in night, felt really confused and lost. The encouragement from all my friends outside really helped, reading all those texts really made me fell better. If any of you are reading this, thank you!

Training's been intensive, but not tough. Nothing I've not gone through before, but I know I'm not doing it with my own strength. Total reliance on God.

If there's one thing I've learnt from my 2 weeks in NS, it's giving everything up, and leaving it all to Him. What He has promised, He will deliver.

There's been some good things from these two weeks. Firstly, the morning view's amazing. Being finally able to see the sky change from total darkness to a pale blue hue is just awesome.

Being so close to nature's cool too, it's nice to just stand by the window and listen to the crickets, the rustling wind, or lie down during PT and look at the flocks of birds flying by.

Got tested in a few ways, and I learnt that patience and prayer is the only way to deal with problematic people and problems. There's no way we can ever fully solve the situation without God's help.

I'm still not looking forward to Sunday, I think I'm gonna get emotionally uptight again.

Oh well, Good Friday to look forward to in 2 weeks!

Honestly, there's just so much to thank God for yeah? My friends, me being in Charlie Company, my OC, PC, PS, APS, my bunkmates, everything.

Yes, there are things that I can't understand, things I can't begin to fathom. Why God did this, why He put certain people in my life. But I'm still gonna carry out His will.

Just like the parable of the virgins, if we aren't ready with the oil in our lamps when our groom comes, we'll be left behind in the darkness, with weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Isaiah 40:31

but those that hope in the LORD

will renew their strength

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

This is my theme verse for my 13 weeks here, and with God's help, I'm gonna live by it.

Justification of faith.

I'm back! From serving the nation, and this break in blogging! Seems that the self-imposed hiatus didn't really last long, I've got real inspiration flowing now, it's amazing how the passion just comes back so quickly.

National Service's been quite.. mixed for me. On one hand, I'm really enjoying my time there, I found a purpose (sorta), I've got great roommates, I'm appreciating every single thing that God has put into my life, in the past, present and future.

On the other side, it kinda sucks to not have hair, it's real retarded to wake up at 4am every morning, and fatigue is really beginning to settle in.

I guess what NS really gave me so far, is perspective. On how God has really, continually blessed me with so much, even though I don't get what I want.

I can't say I'm fully satisfied with where I am now, but I am truly thankful for every single thing that He has provided me with, people, friends, and all that stuff.

I never realized how much my family and friends meant to me until that first night. And yes, real men aren't afraid to cry. (:

There's a lot of choices I have to make now, regarding my vocation, and what I'm going to do after I'm out. But there's nothing to be afraid of, God's with me!

Still, I can't help but think about what could have happened if you'd just accepted me. I'm not asking for anything definite now, just acceptance.

It's a real trying time for many of us, and there's definitely no way we can do it all by ourselves.

I feel like spamming randomly here, kinda fun to see what sorta stuff I'm gonna be typing down. Here goes!

Paramore's lyrics kinda summarize how I feel right now. Crap, I totally should have went for their concert.

My bed is totally awesome, and I really miss my bolsterrrrrrrr!

God is awesome.

Someone should totally make a mash-up of This Is Our God & Came To My Rescue. Hehe.

I miss my music.

I want an iTouch.

I know what I'm gonna do with my first paycheck!!!

I'm kinda looking forward to my (hopefully) dog trainer vocation, but I don't know if that's where I should be.

Wow. That was quite a mouthful.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday, I pray it's not gonna be too much on me.

Wait. It's never gonna be too much. As long as I have faith in Him, He will carry me through!

Yes, He will!

I feel so justified right now.

Enjoy the silence.

I don't really feel like blogging anymore. Maybe one day I'll find the passion back, maybe not. I don't know how long this hiatus's gonna be for, a week, a month, maybe forever.

I just don't want anything to do with this right now, anything that reminds me.

So, enjoy this silence.

Words are very unnecessary; they can only do harm.

-Depeche Mode

Dismantle. Repair.

Even U2 and Glee can't lift me up like they used to.

See, this is what I dreaded. Stuck in no-man's land, not knowing where it's gonna go from here, what's gonna happen to it all, how's it's gonna affect everyone.

I'm trying to stay strong, trying to laugh it off, trying to put on a brave front, but like acid, it's wearing down inside of me. Slowly, but surely, everything's gonna come out.

I want to put it behind me, but it's easier said than done. It's so difficult, when everywhere I go, I see something, anything, that reminds me of the whole fiasco.

There's only so many songs that I can get lost inside, only that few distractions that keep me away from reality.

I mean, there hasn't been any backlash of emotions, unlike the last time. But why does it hurt so much more?

Maybe I should have realized it from the start.

It's always been a lost cause, and still is.

Best known for failure.

Now, I'm pushing everyone away from me. This isn't who I wanted to be, this isn't what I had in mind.

Once again, this blog's become a hellhole of negative emotions. Maybe I should just ditch it all, and give up on this concept altogether.

Brings nothing but a burning feeling anyway.

Butter and waffles.

Touch me, take me to that other place.

Teach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case.

It's a beautiful day.

There's nothing I can't thankful for.

There's nothing more that I could ask for.

I keep talking about having faith, but when it really mattered, when my faith was called into question, I failed. I gave up. I didn't have faith.

I'm gonna be away for a while, at least until the dust settles, and everything's okay. Back to how it was.

It's come at the right time.

I'm done with cryptic messages, and ambiguous words.

Bucket list-4/6 complete.

Sigh.

Still, her smile melts butter like a hot waffle.

Glee.

Feels like I haven't been updating for like forever, when in reality it's been only one week. Withdrawal symptoms?

Last three days have been quite fulfilling, made connections I needed to make, people I needed to talk to, places to go, songs to sing, blah blah.

It's nice to realize that my friends still accept me, despite whatever I've done.

Night hike was quite awesome, singing about modern monks without children. It's times & experiences like these, that make me so damn grateful for all the people that God's put into my life, for better or worse.

There's something gratifying about shooting your friends in virtual games, takes your mind off unwanted stuff.

Glee is AWESOME. One of the best shows I've watched recently. I love the way they integrate music into television so easily. Watching it gives me this sense of contentment, and a rush, similar to what I felt when I watched Toradora! . Brings back memories of secondary school, and youngloves.

Seriously, if Fairfield had a glee club, I'd be the first to join. I don't care that I can't sing or have two left feet, it doesn't stop the fact that I have a song to sing, and a message to put out.

Bucket list- 2/5 complete.

One week left to enlistment, I don't think there's any chance that SP's gonna throw me a lifeline. Besides, I never really placed much hope on it. I mean, one look at my record, and they'd be sending my ass out.

There's just not enough time to complete what I need, what I want. Furthermore, there's so much in my way, it's so easy to give up, to abandon this quest altogether.

Failure, a bad habit I've fallen into.

But I'm gonna make this work. One week left, it's do or die.

I will not bow.

Lying here beside me, with arms and eyes open wide.

Late nights aren't good anymore.

Before I forget.

CNY has been quite alright, it's nice to know that people see the progress I'm trying to make.

But hey, I'm not changing to show others, to improve myself in their judgements of me.

I had this talk with my brother about how different we'd be if we grew up closer to my dad's side of the family. One thing's for sure, I'd never be a Christian, I'd never have met the people I have, I'd never be who I am today.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, in fact, I'm far from it. I'm just marveling at how the Lord works, how He changed my life without me knowing.

I've been listening to bands I'd forgotten recently. Bands like New Found Glory, Armor For Sleep, Green Day, Aiden. After all that time, they still appeal to me, after 2-3 years. I guess I've not really changed, at least musically.

Still, everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same.

This song really means a lot to me, quite the story of my life.

At Least I'm Known For Something- New Found Glory

I'm in and out of conversation

It's hard to keep my attention locked down

So don't take offence to anything i say

I tried so hard to keep you coming back my way

But you don't know that, and I'm the one to blame for it

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

I've figured out my situation

I am an endless source of useless information

Give me bad news 'cause it's already been expected

I let my front down

And i know i will regret it

But you don't know that, and I'm the one to blame for it

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

Lets get down to business now

I'm saving myself the trouble in the end

So lets get down to business now

I'm saving myself the trouble in the end

(Saving myself the trouble)

But you don't know that, and I'm the one to blame for it

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter

I'm the one to blame for this

Yes I'm the one to blame

Best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing I can say that can matter

That can matter enough

Nothing that I can say, that can matter enough.