Shift

My tumblr's finally up!

www.phantomsnow.tumblr.com

No, I'm not abandoning this place, although it's been filled with loads of negative emotions lately. I'm gonna be posting all the serious stuff here, like my feelings, crappy stuff, and all that. The happy stuff's gonna be on the other side, thought I may think about putting it here as well. Brighten this place up a little, it's not all doom and gloom here!

I think I'm getting back into the habit of blogging!

What now?

Am I really that special?

I'm No Superman

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Sometimes, when people are sad, nothing can really bring them back up right away. Not words, not good advice, or even the people around them trying to make them happy can’t make them happy just like that. We should never tell someone to just be happy and forget about what’s holding them down because we’re not dealing with the pain in their heart. It takes time and patience for someone to get back up. It’s not that easy.

I'm not feeling good. Not at all. I'm sick, hurt, alone and lonely.

I'm not really in the mood for blogging right now, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood ever again.

The Fix.

I think I'm going crazy.

I'm seeing repeated numbers, over and over again. Somehow, whenever I look at my watch/iPod/handphone, the first and last, digits always correspond to each other.

It's like some weird, sick symmetry.

I've been seeing signs. Loads of them. But signs of what? I don't know to take it as reassurance, or something different. I don't know if it's right to continue, or give up right now.

To fix a problem, time, patience and co-operation is needed. Unfortunately for me, I'm impatient, time's moving much too slowly, and the other party refuses to reply. It just sucks to be in this position, especially since I've put in so much effort into making this work. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, looking at the darker side of things. But current circumstances don't give me any other choice.

Maybe a catalyst is needed. A spark, an ignition. But.. When. Where. Who. What. Why. How.

So many questions, and I just don't have the answers for everything right now.

This isn't supposed to be emo. I'm not supposed to be emo. I grew out of that self-pitying stage ages ago. Life just likes to throw curveballs at me, one after another. Honestly, I'm getting sick and tired of it. I don't want to live in a roller-coaster anymore. I don't want to fight these conflicting feelings anymore. I just want a resolution.

2010 was supposed to be a good year. Look how it turned out to be.

I don't believe this is the end of it. Yes, I slipped up. Yes, I said stuff I shouldn't have. But I can't help it. That's me. That's how I am, awkward, honest, ignorant, hopeful.

Take this chance. Give me this one last chance. Say something, anything. You know I hang onto every word you say. Give me something to live on.

You won't regret it.

I hope this week turns out to be better. I doubt it, with guard duty, crappy lectures, and silence from those that matter.

I r e a l l y n e e d t o g r o w o u t o f t h i s h a b i t c a l l e d f a i l u r e .

Lightbulb.

Whoooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

This week's been freakin' crazy, I can't even keep up with it all in my head. It's been one of the most tumultuous weeks of my life, ever.

I guess I haven't learnt what God's been trying to teach way. Time for me to learn it the hard way then. Sigh.

I'm expecting too much, too quickly. What saddens me the most, is that everything could have been avoided if I'd listened. If I'd obeyed. If I had faith.

Sigh.

Now life has killed the dream I dream.

This world we live in demands results instantly, there's no room for laggers, no room for slower ones, patience's been totally wiped out from our nature. And it just sucks. The fact that we'll all attuned to this lifestyle, to this speed. Why can't we just take some time, to stop and smell the roses.

And don't you dare say we can just be friends.
I'm not some boy that you can sway.
We knew it'd happen eventually.

I need to fix it all.

Dangerous and Sweet.

Dear you,

I like it when we sit next to each other

and your leg fits perfectly against mine.

I like it when our feet bump,

& we don't apologize.

I like this comfort.

I like this closeness.

I like you.

Cadence.

This blog isn't supposed to be emo.

I really can't blog without music in my head eh? Heh.

Only two more weeks to P.O.P.! Seems so far awayyyy sigh I can't wait for recruit life to be over.

God's been teaching me loads of lessons these few weeks, things I really need to implement into my life. Somehow, it feels forced. Like I don't have any motivation to really change myself, for the better.

Lesson 1. Patience. Nothing ever comes out good when you rush it.

I've been waiting for over a month, and despite my attempts to rush the matter, despite all I'm doing to speed things up, it feels like it's moving at a snail's pace. Guess I really need to learn patience.

Lesson 2. Expectations. God never ever grants you what you expect.

I'm always dreaming of strange circumstances, ideal situations to be in. I never get what I want, but that's okay. I know I'll get what I need, at the end of it all.

Lesson 3. Grace. I don't deserve this.

God's love isn't earnt, it isn't gained by good deeds or the like. It's given. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, it's given freely to everyone, of any background, any race, of any type. There's nothing more I can do, nothing less that can change His love for me.

Lesson 4. Judging. First impressions never change.

Despite every attempt to change my views of others, I always fall back onto my usually accurate first impression. Seems that others are doing the same, and that's not very good. We're all falling into the big bracket called stereotypes.

Lesson 5. Faith.

Lesson 6. Sleep.

A lack of sleep makes HG moody, sullen and downright annoying. I'm gonna work on that right now, nights!

Heartstrings, you're tugging at my heartstrings.

The closer I come to you, the closer I am to finding God.

You're a miracle to me.