Faith in tomorrow.

Shift

2010-07-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

My tumblr's finally up!

www.phantomsnow.tumblr.com

No, I'm not abandoning this place, although it's been filled with loads of negative emotions lately. I'm gonna be posting all the serious stuff here, like my feelings, crappy stuff, and all that. The happy stuff's gonna be on the other side, thought I may think about putting it here as well. Brighten this place up a little, it's not all doom and gloom here!

I think I'm getting back into the habit of blogging!

What now?

2010-07-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

Am I really that special?

I'm No Superman

2010-06-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Sometimes, when people are sad, nothing can really bring them back up right away. Not words, not good advice, or even the people around them trying to make them happy can’t make them happy just like that. We should never tell someone to just be happy and forget about what’s holding them down because we’re not dealing with the pain in their heart. It takes time and patience for someone to get back up. It’s not that easy.

I'm not feeling good. Not at all. I'm sick, hurt, alone and lonely.

I'm not really in the mood for blogging right now, I don't think I'll ever be in the mood ever again.

The Fix.

2010-06-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going crazy.

I'm seeing repeated numbers, over and over again. Somehow, whenever I look at my watch/iPod/handphone, the first and last, digits always correspond to each other.

It's like some weird, sick symmetry.

I've been seeing signs. Loads of them. But signs of what? I don't know to take it as reassurance, or something different. I don't know if it's right to continue, or give up right now.

To fix a problem, time, patience and co-operation is needed. Unfortunately for me, I'm impatient, time's moving much too slowly, and the other party refuses to reply. It just sucks to be in this position, especially since I've put in so much effort into making this work. Maybe I'm just pessimistic, looking at the darker side of things. But current circumstances don't give me any other choice.

Maybe a catalyst is needed. A spark, an ignition. But.. When. Where. Who. What. Why. How.

So many questions, and I just don't have the answers for everything right now.

This isn't supposed to be emo. I'm not supposed to be emo. I grew out of that self-pitying stage ages ago. Life just likes to throw curveballs at me, one after another. Honestly, I'm getting sick and tired of it. I don't want to live in a roller-coaster anymore. I don't want to fight these conflicting feelings anymore. I just want a resolution.

2010 was supposed to be a good year. Look how it turned out to be.

I don't believe this is the end of it. Yes, I slipped up. Yes, I said stuff I shouldn't have. But I can't help it. That's me. That's how I am, awkward, honest, ignorant, hopeful.

Take this chance. Give me this one last chance. Say something, anything. You know I hang onto every word you say. Give me something to live on.

You won't regret it.

I hope this week turns out to be better. I doubt it, with guard duty, crappy lectures, and silence from those that matter.

I r e a l l y n e e d t o g r o w o u t o f t h i s h a b i t c a l l e d f a i l u r e .

Lightbulb.

2010-06-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Whoooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

This week's been freakin' crazy, I can't even keep up with it all in my head. It's been one of the most tumultuous weeks of my life, ever.

I guess I haven't learnt what God's been trying to teach way. Time for me to learn it the hard way then. Sigh.

I'm expecting too much, too quickly. What saddens me the most, is that everything could have been avoided if I'd listened. If I'd obeyed. If I had faith.

Sigh.

Now life has killed the dream I dream.

This world we live in demands results instantly, there's no room for laggers, no room for slower ones, patience's been totally wiped out from our nature. And it just sucks. The fact that we'll all attuned to this lifestyle, to this speed. Why can't we just take some time, to stop and smell the roses.

And don't you dare say we can just be friends.
I'm not some boy that you can sway.
We knew it'd happen eventually.

I need to fix it all.

Dangerous and Sweet.

2010-05-28T07:23:00.001-07:00

Dear you,

I like it when we sit next to each other

and your leg fits perfectly against mine.

I like it when our feet bump,

& we don't apologize.

I like this comfort.

I like this closeness.

I like you.

Cadence.

2010-05-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

This blog isn't supposed to be emo.

I really can't blog without music in my head eh? Heh.

Only two more weeks to P.O.P.! Seems so far awayyyy sigh I can't wait for recruit life to be over.

God's been teaching me loads of lessons these few weeks, things I really need to implement into my life. Somehow, it feels forced. Like I don't have any motivation to really change myself, for the better.

Lesson 1. Patience. Nothing ever comes out good when you rush it.

I've been waiting for over a month, and despite my attempts to rush the matter, despite all I'm doing to speed things up, it feels like it's moving at a snail's pace. Guess I really need to learn patience.

Lesson 2. Expectations. God never ever grants you what you expect.

I'm always dreaming of strange circumstances, ideal situations to be in. I never get what I want, but that's okay. I know I'll get what I need, at the end of it all.

Lesson 3. Grace. I don't deserve this.

God's love isn't earnt, it isn't gained by good deeds or the like. It's given. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, it's given freely to everyone, of any background, any race, of any type. There's nothing more I can do, nothing less that can change His love for me.

Lesson 4. Judging. First impressions never change.

Despite every attempt to change my views of others, I always fall back onto my usually accurate first impression. Seems that others are doing the same, and that's not very good. We're all falling into the big bracket called stereotypes.

Lesson 5. Faith.

Lesson 6. Sleep.

A lack of sleep makes HG moody, sullen and downright annoying. I'm gonna work on that right now, nights!

Heartstrings, you're tugging at my heartstrings.

The closer I come to you, the closer I am to finding God.

You're a miracle to me.

Maybe This Time.

2010-05-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

This week's been a real roller-coaster ride. In good ways, and bad.

Faith fluctuates.

I really need to be grateful for whatever I've been given, and not to ask for more.

Something I realized about signs. Yes, the Devil may manipulate whatever's in front of us, but we forget that God knows all. He is omnipotent, nothing is hidden from Him.

So, even if the Devil does play around with our minds, it's what He planned. He doesn't place anything in our way that we can handle, nothing that we can't deal with, with God's help.

Peter Chao is hilarious. Really. I think I'm getting high thanks to him. :D

I miss you.

Maybe this time, I'll be lucky.

Maybe this time, she'll stay.

Maybe this time,

For the first time,

Love won't hurry away.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

2010-05-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I'm not really enjoying my weekends. It's the only time I have away from that damn camp, but this isn't where I want to be right now. It's not like I'd rather be in camp, away from everyone, but I'm not feeling any positive emotions when I'm out.

I don't know why, but I'm getting really emotional lately, for no reason. I keep thinking, worrying about all that's happening around me, anticipating the worst when I know the situation's not that bad.

Maybe it's the music I'm listening to, maybe it's all that emotion pouring over from previous experiences, but I don't want to be bogged down by anyone, or anything at the moment.

I don't see any explanation for my emotions right now. I was actually hyper on Friday, expecting the best. I didn't get what I wanted, but I got what I needed. Still, I'm feeling down. Very down.

Someone asked me this morning, about my intentions for joining ministry. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea why I joined Outreach. Yes, I got invited to, but I didn't have the obligation to agree, but I did. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was God telling me that He had a plan, but I just don't see it. I don't see it at all. I can't reach out to others, to non-believers. Heck, I can't even reach out to my own parents. I'm seriously doubting myself now, second-guessing everything I do, every move I make, every word I say.

I think I'm gonna cry my eyes out this Sunday night again.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.

Something got me thinking about signs. I've always believed in them, how small things are signs shown by God, His will for us.

But, what about the Devil? After all, Satan's power is second only to God. What if the 'signs' we see are not placed there by God, but put there by Satan? What if we believe in what we see, and end up tripping, and falling over, into sin and darkness?

What if everything you've ever believed in turned out to be a lie?

Just another one of those days.

2010-04-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

Today's been real depressing. It's one of those days where nothing really went wrong, but you still feel this hole deep within your heart. It's one of those days where things mostly went right, but you still get that crappy feeling at the end of the day.

Yeah, that's today in short.

My grandpa fell in the bathroom on Friday, and although I didn't show it, my heart stopped beating when my mum told me about it. Apparently it wasn't that bad, he didn't need to visit the hospital or anything like that, but still, it's scary. The fact that your loved ones can fade away so quickly, with one slip, with one slight mishandle.

I don't know why I'm feeling so down. There's absolutely no reason for me to feel like this, given the circumstances and what happened this week. My head's driving me crazy, I don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think.

I'm kinda glad I took time off to walk around, to think through everything, to sort my thoughts out. Time well spent eh?

I've always thought myself as a lion. The animal that represented me the most. Strong, powerful, majestic. Everything I always wanted to be. Now I've come to realize that I'm more of a walrus.

Charming eh?

Lions operate in prides, eg herds, each cat dependent on each other, with the lions acting as leaders.

Walruses live in colonies, but they generally keep to themselves.

I live with many others, but I like keeping to myself. I'm not a natural leader, I'd much rather take the back row, it's much more spacious there.

Lions are fit, strong and fast. A walrus is fat, slow and clumsy. I guess it's pretty obvious which animal I'm more similar to.

Lions spend most of their time with their pride, while walruses live out most of their lives alone.

I prefer spending time with myself, just like a walrus.

I guess I've misjudged myself all along, HG ain't a majestic lion. He's a big old walrus in an identity crisis.

Sorry if this post's messy, it's a reflection of how I'm feeling right now. Sigh.

Oh I didn't realize it's the 24th of April. Oh boy. No wonder today felt so crappy.

Night Of The Hunter.

2010-04-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

I've missed blogging. Feels so much different from keeping a diary, yet awfully similar at the same time.

I think I've found a good settling place, in between my two very different personalities. Balance. An equilibrium of traits, those that I need to keep, moving away from those that make me sinful and worldly.

This week in National Service's been quite good, I find myself accepting whatever that's thrown at me, and making the best of what I have. Pushing myself to the limit, physically, mentally and emotionally. It feels good, to surpass what I did before.

I feared that my walk with God would suffer greatly after I enlisted. In reality, it's been exactly the opposite. If anything, I feel much closer to Him, more than ever.

My one-week old iTouch's been serving me real well, Unblock Me's given me a reason to look forward to maintenance periods. With U2 to sing me to sleep every night, what more could I ask for? hehe.

I'm still feeling real confused right now, it's been only a week. I keep looking for signs, but how do I know if they really are signs? The last time I followed what my heart said, I got burnt. Real bad. I don't think I'll be asking my left and right ventricles for advice anymore.

On another, lighter note, I got into the Footdrill Competition Squad. Yay me. As if that's any surprise hoho. And I passed my IPPT, most of it anyway.

There was this very very long post in my NS diary about how God pulled me though everything, but I forgot to bring my diary back. Oh well.

I'm real tired. Expect one update a week from now on, unless I get posted to a 9-5 vocation. Deal with it, that's life. hehe.

New found glory.

2010-03-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

I feel very drained. Physically and mentally. I've been really stretched these few days, with temptations coming in from every corner. Both in camp, and back at home. It's worse here, cause there's nothing to hold me back.

I've got a real dilemma, I can't decide between all these choices that stand in front of me, and there hasn't been a sign to which I should go for. This really sucks. There's so much I stand to lose, so much I don't know.

On a much lighter note, I think I'm pretty much set toward a 8-5 vocation in SCDF. My eyes, knees and ankles are too faulty for me to fight fires! So yeah, desk job for me hohohoho.

Gosh, I just realised this blog's been alive for more than a year! Awesome stuff. Thanks for my 4 readers for coming back, you know how much I love you guys, this place wouldn't be the same without you all!

Then again, I've been pretty much inactive for like forever, kind of cancels out much of that one year eh?

10 weeks left! And 3 weeks more to my paycheck and iTouch wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Taking Chances.

2010-03-19T11:35:00.001-07:00

Don't know much about your life.

Don't know much about your world, but

Don't want to be alone tonight,

On this planet they call Earth.

You don't know much about my past, and

I don't have a future figured out.

And maybe this is going too fast.

And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

I just want to start again,

And maybe you could show me how to try,

And maybe you could take me in,

Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

And I had my heart beating down,

But I always come back for more, yeah.

There's nothing like love to pull you up,

When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,

Like lovers do.

Yeah walk with me, walk with me,

Like lovers do,

Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,

What do you say?

Don't know much about your life

And I don't know much about your world.

What was the price on his head?

2010-03-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of finding blogging a chore right now, I don't really have the time nor energy to support this habit of mine.

6 hours of sleep on weekdays are just not enough. Still, I thank God for everything that He's done in my NS life so far.

Had a pretty bad emotional breakdown on the book-in night, felt really confused and lost. The encouragement from all my friends outside really helped, reading all those texts really made me fell better. If any of you are reading this, thank you!

Training's been intensive, but not tough. Nothing I've not gone through before, but I know I'm not doing it with my own strength. Total reliance on God.

If there's one thing I've learnt from my 2 weeks in NS, it's giving everything up, and leaving it all to Him. What He has promised, He will deliver.

There's been some good things from these two weeks. Firstly, the morning view's amazing. Being finally able to see the sky change from total darkness to a pale blue hue is just awesome.

Being so close to nature's cool too, it's nice to just stand by the window and listen to the crickets, the rustling wind, or lie down during PT and look at the flocks of birds flying by.

Got tested in a few ways, and I learnt that patience and prayer is the only way to deal with problematic people and problems. There's no way we can ever fully solve the situation without God's help.

I'm still not looking forward to Sunday, I think I'm gonna get emotionally uptight again.

Oh well, Good Friday to look forward to in 2 weeks!

Honestly, there's just so much to thank God for yeah? My friends, me being in Charlie Company, my OC, PC, PS, APS, my bunkmates, everything.

Yes, there are things that I can't understand, things I can't begin to fathom. Why God did this, why He put certain people in my life. But I'm still gonna carry out His will.

Just like the parable of the virgins, if we aren't ready with the oil in our lamps when our groom comes, we'll be left behind in the darkness, with weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Isaiah 40:31

but those that hope in the LORD

will renew their strength

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

This is my theme verse for my 13 weeks here, and with God's help, I'm gonna live by it.

Justification of faith.

2010-03-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

I'm back! From serving the nation, and this break in blogging! Seems that the self-imposed hiatus didn't really last long, I've got real inspiration flowing now, it's amazing how the passion just comes back so quickly.

National Service's been quite.. mixed for me. On one hand, I'm really enjoying my time there, I found a purpose (sorta), I've got great roommates, I'm appreciating every single thing that God has put into my life, in the past, present and future.

On the other side, it kinda sucks to not have hair, it's real retarded to wake up at 4am every morning, and fatigue is really beginning to settle in.

I guess what NS really gave me so far, is perspective. On how God has really, continually blessed me with so much, even though I don't get what I want.

I can't say I'm fully satisfied with where I am now, but I am truly thankful for every single thing that He has provided me with, people, friends, and all that stuff.

I never realized how much my family and friends meant to me until that first night. And yes, real men aren't afraid to cry. (:

There's a lot of choices I have to make now, regarding my vocation, and what I'm going to do after I'm out. But there's nothing to be afraid of, God's with me!

Still, I can't help but think about what could have happened if you'd just accepted me. I'm not asking for anything definite now, just acceptance.

It's a real trying time for many of us, and there's definitely no way we can do it all by ourselves.

I feel like spamming randomly here, kinda fun to see what sorta stuff I'm gonna be typing down. Here goes!

Paramore's lyrics kinda summarize how I feel right now. Crap, I totally should have went for their concert.

My bed is totally awesome, and I really miss my bolsterrrrrrrr!

God is awesome.

Someone should totally make a mash-up of This Is Our God & Came To My Rescue. Hehe.

I miss my music.

I want an iTouch.

I know what I'm gonna do with my first paycheck!!!

I'm kinda looking forward to my (hopefully) dog trainer vocation, but I don't know if that's where I should be.

Wow. That was quite a mouthful.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday, I pray it's not gonna be too much on me.

Wait. It's never gonna be too much. As long as I have faith in Him, He will carry me through!

Yes, He will!

I feel so justified right now.

Enjoy the silence.

2010-03-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

I don't really feel like blogging anymore. Maybe one day I'll find the passion back, maybe not. I don't know how long this hiatus's gonna be for, a week, a month, maybe forever.

I just don't want anything to do with this right now, anything that reminds me.

So, enjoy this silence.

Words are very unnecessary; they can only do harm.

-Depeche Mode

Dismantle. Repair.

2010-03-05T09:11:00.001-08:00

Even U2 and Glee can't lift me up like they used to.

See, this is what I dreaded. Stuck in no-man's land, not knowing where it's gonna go from here, what's gonna happen to it all, how's it's gonna affect everyone.

I'm trying to stay strong, trying to laugh it off, trying to put on a brave front, but like acid, it's wearing down inside of me. Slowly, but surely, everything's gonna come out.

I want to put it behind me, but it's easier said than done. It's so difficult, when everywhere I go, I see something, anything, that reminds me of the whole fiasco.

There's only so many songs that I can get lost inside, only that few distractions that keep me away from reality.

I mean, there hasn't been any backlash of emotions, unlike the last time. But why does it hurt so much more?

Maybe I should have realized it from the start.

It's always been a lost cause, and still is.

Best known for failure.

Now, I'm pushing everyone away from me. This isn't who I wanted to be, this isn't what I had in mind.

Once again, this blog's become a hellhole of negative emotions. Maybe I should just ditch it all, and give up on this concept altogether.

Brings nothing but a burning feeling anyway.

Butter and waffles.

2010-03-04T11:02:00.001-08:00

Touch me, take me to that other place.

Teach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case.

It's a beautiful day.

There's nothing I can't thankful for.

There's nothing more that I could ask for.

I keep talking about having faith, but when it really mattered, when my faith was called into question, I failed. I gave up. I didn't have faith.

I'm gonna be away for a while, at least until the dust settles, and everything's okay. Back to how it was.

It's come at the right time.

I'm done with cryptic messages, and ambiguous words.

Bucket list-4/6 complete.

Sigh.

Still, her smile melts butter like a hot waffle.

Glee.

2010-02-26T11:27:00.001-08:00

Feels like I haven't been updating for like forever, when in reality it's been only one week. Withdrawal symptoms?

Last three days have been quite fulfilling, made connections I needed to make, people I needed to talk to, places to go, songs to sing, blah blah.

It's nice to realize that my friends still accept me, despite whatever I've done.

Night hike was quite awesome, singing about modern monks without children. It's times & experiences like these, that make me so damn grateful for all the people that God's put into my life, for better or worse.

There's something gratifying about shooting your friends in virtual games, takes your mind off unwanted stuff.

Glee is AWESOME. One of the best shows I've watched recently. I love the way they integrate music into television so easily. Watching it gives me this sense of contentment, and a rush, similar to what I felt when I watched Toradora! . Brings back memories of secondary school, and youngloves.

Seriously, if Fairfield had a glee club, I'd be the first to join. I don't care that I can't sing or have two left feet, it doesn't stop the fact that I have a song to sing, and a message to put out.

Bucket list- 2/5 complete.

One week left to enlistment, I don't think there's any chance that SP's gonna throw me a lifeline. Besides, I never really placed much hope on it. I mean, one look at my record, and they'd be sending my ass out.

There's just not enough time to complete what I need, what I want. Furthermore, there's so much in my way, it's so easy to give up, to abandon this quest altogether.

Failure, a bad habit I've fallen into.

But I'm gonna make this work. One week left, it's do or die.

I will not bow.

Lying here beside me, with arms and eyes open wide.

Late nights aren't good anymore.

Before I forget.

2010-02-16T10:52:00.000-08:00

CNY has been quite alright, it's nice to know that people see the progress I'm trying to make.

But hey, I'm not changing to show others, to improve myself in their judgements of me.

I had this talk with my brother about how different we'd be if we grew up closer to my dad's side of the family. One thing's for sure, I'd never be a Christian, I'd never have met the people I have, I'd never be who I am today.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, in fact, I'm far from it. I'm just marveling at how the Lord works, how He changed my life without me knowing.

I've been listening to bands I'd forgotten recently. Bands like New Found Glory, Armor For Sleep, Green Day, Aiden. After all that time, they still appeal to me, after 2-3 years. I guess I've not really changed, at least musically.

Still, everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same.

This song really means a lot to me, quite the story of my life.

At Least I'm Known For Something- New Found Glory

I'm in and out of conversation

It's hard to keep my attention locked down

So don't take offence to anything i say

I tried so hard to keep you coming back my way

But you don't know that, and I'm the one to blame for it

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

I've figured out my situation

I am an endless source of useless information

Give me bad news 'cause it's already been expected

I let my front down

And i know i will regret it

But you don't know that, and I'm the one to blame for it

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter that can matter enough

Lets get down to business now

I'm saving myself the trouble in the end

So lets get down to business now

I'm saving myself the trouble in the end

(Saving myself the trouble)

But you don't know that, and I'm the one to blame for it

Cause I'm best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing that I can say that can matter

I'm the one to blame for this

Yes I'm the one to blame

Best known for failure

Best known for giving up

There's nothing I can say that can matter

That can matter enough

Nothing that I can say, that can matter enough.

Grace.

2010-02-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

I've been slipping up, more than usual recently.

It's so hard to keep myself away from sin, especially when it's all around us.

And, it's Chinese New Year again! I always liked this time, when my whole family gathers together for a day. It's never been about the red packets or goodies to munch on, just meeting up with relatives, catching up, keeping each other updated on our lives.

U2's a pretty good band to listen to when you want to relax. For me, at least.

I had this pretty long post in my head that I wanted to publish. I don't think it's the right time for me to make such judgements.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this week. And the next.

Someone once told me about an extremely bad day that he just went through. My perspective on it? There's no such thing as a bad day. We should take every single day that we have as a gift from God, thanking Him for giving us this chance to live.

Sigh, feeling down again.

Sigh.

2010-02-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Whoever said “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.

The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, “No, I’m happy for you”? That’s when it’s really sad.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their own little idiosyncrasies. Some people call those imperfections, but no, that’s the good stuff.

Sigh. There's so much I want to tell you, but there's no definite way to say it.

What time?

2010-02-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

And, I'm back! After an almost week-long hiatus. Long story short, Kirsten died on me, ): but I revived her! Sort of.

Quite a bit has happened in the last week, mainly the letter from CPMB. Yeah, they finally decided to post me somewhere, hoho.

Can't say I'm particularly displeased with it, in fact, I'm quite happy with what I've been given.

Gives me something to do for the rest of this year, and the next, for that matter.

Still, it makes matters difficult, especially with this current time frame.

I guess it's just God's way of telling me to hurry it up, and there's barely any time left.

But there's so much I stand to lose. So much I can't bear to give up.

Time to let go, HG. Time to give it all away, and trust God. Have faith.

The Heart Of Worship.

2010-01-24T09:15:00.000-08:00

Something else occurred to me today, during worship.

For a long time, I've been really been motivated by worship. But I realized, I'm being motivated by the wrong things.

Lyrics, riffs, beats. All these musical aspects aren't what worship is about. That's what many of us get wrong.

Worship, in the simplest terms, is to praise the Lord, in anyway possible. It's just that the most prevalent form is musical, and that's where the lines begin to blur.

We can just be humming, or speaking words. As long as we have the right motive, to praise God, it's still considered worship.

We can have great guitarists, drummers, vocalists, bassists and all that, but if we're just there to sing the songs, and not realize the true meaning of worship, we're no different from an audience at a rock concert.

Bringing ourselves back to the heart of worship. To truly praise God, through anyway available to us, be it song, dance, poems, or even thoughts. To not get emotionally enchanted by the music, and forget the true meaning behind it all.

We always forget that the Devil is always lurking, even in "holy" places such as churches. He manipulates us, making us believe in the song instead of the praise.

We need to have that heart, that willpower to see through everything, and to find the true heart of worship.

Finding a heart to truly, bless His name.

No Leaf Clover

2010-01-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

Today was pretty much awesome. Church, soccer, gay talk with buddies,Iron Maiden & Metallica to sing me to sleep.

I reflected on the sermon Zhan Feng shared with us during cell. While I don't agree with the fact that such drastic action is needed to gain entry into the Kingdom of Heaven, I feel that a lifestyle of repentance is one that every Christian should adopt.

Just like how a leaf will catch flame when put through a fire. It's exactly the same for us. After experiencing the power of Christ in our lives, we have to change, set alight by His Holy Flame.

Another reason to why I don't agree with the sermon. I don't think it's our acts itself that define our place in Heaven. I mean, if we start turning away from sin with the sole purpose of not wanting to be in Hell, isn't that wrong?

Our motives for turning away from sin should be to please God, not to gain entry into His Kingdom. That entry is already guaranteed, after Jesus died on the Cross for the sins of man, and us accepting Him as our Saviour. Turning away from sin should be a natural reaction to that, to shun what God hates, to take ourselves out of our worldly values because this is our purpose, to seek God and to glorify Him through our actions and words.

Surely faith without action is dead. That is key. We can't just live out our lives as carnal Christians, still living in the ways of the world, dwelling in sin.

We have to change ourselves, after being set aflame by His holy flame.

To Tame A Land.

2010-01-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

O God of earth and altar,

Bow down and hear our cry,

Our earthly rulers falter,

Our people drift and die;

The walls of gold entomb us,

The swords of scorn divide,

Take not thy thunder from us,

But take away our pride.

From all that terror teaches,

From lies of tongue and pen,

From all the easy speeches

That comfort cruel men,

From sale and profanation

Of honour and the sword,

From sleep and from damnation,

Deliver us, good Lord.

Tie in a living tether

The prince and priest and thrall,

Bind all our lives together,

Smite us and save us all;

In ire and exultation

Aflame with faith, and free,

Lift up a living nation,

A single sword to thee.

Revelations.

2010-01-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

Came to me with a serpents kiss
As the eye of the sun rose on her lips
Moonlight catches silver tears that I cry

I'm quite satisfied today, not because I got a lot of stuff done, but because I spent time with people I neglected, but found again.

It's nice to know that after 6 years, even though we've all changed drastically, we're still the same people underneath, all playing our usual roles in this social Venn diagram.

An easy way for the blind to go

A clever path for the fools who know

The secret of the hanged man, the smile on his lips

There's not much time left, I'd better hurry if I'm gonna make it.

Home Port

2010-01-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

I think I'm the only mad person to go running at 3.45AM.

Still, the running cleared my mind, gave me a clear path. All thanks to God.

How I Met Your Mother's been pretty awesome lately, although the Mother's gotta be pretty hot to beat Rachel Bilson. I can only think of three women that would qualify.

Said this rather long prayer to God after my run, and I think that's a real sincere prayer. One that doesn't hold any motives behind it, just to thank Him for everything He's done in my life.

Right now, I'm just thankful that He brought me back safely, and for everything He put into my life.

I really need to get some sleep.

4.54AM

One

2010-01-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

There's just so much I want to say, but I just can't get my head on order. It's that retarded sensation where you just can't make head or tail of anything in your head, and the only real emotion that you feel is confusion.

I've been moving around quite a bit these few days. So much has happened, in so little time.

I remember the times when my granddad used to take me on long bus rides around Singapore. He'd carry me, sometimes on his shoulders, and take me out to explore the world. Only now, am I appreciating what he's done for me.

He'd hold my hand, carry me onto that bus, to wherever it went, just for the journey, and sometimes destination.

I remember one place I'd always want to go with him. Changi Airport. Little me loved airplanes and air-conditioning, so yeah. He'd always take me to the staff food court for lunch. He'd bring me onto the Skytrain next, place me at the window where I pretended to be a racecar driver. He'd walk with me to the viewing point, where I'd run down the hallway with the airplanes as they were taking off. He'd bring me to a coffeeplace, where he'd drink his cup of coffee slowly, and I'd climb onto the aquariums and try to scare the fishes inside.

These are the times I miss. The innocence of youth. Before the eventual corruption.

On a happier note, rainy night again! :D:D:D 2 nights ago, but who cares.

I originally wanted to dedicate a post to my brother, but I'll do that another time. Not in the right frame of mind to give him a proper ode. This post's for my grandfather instead!

Ah Kong, thank you for bringing me up so lovingly, even when I've been a real pain in the ass to you. Thank you for bringing me to my first movie, for buying me all those toys, for introducing me to music, for teaching me about life's lessons, for starting this love for food, for that love for long bus rides, and for every single thing you've done in my life. I know you probably won't read this, but thank you. You're one of the three people in my life that really changed who I am for the better, and there's so much more I want to dedicate to you.

Imitation's the best form of flattery, or so they say. With that in mind, I'm gonna live a life that flatters my grandpa, one that shows who he truly is, one that gives thanks for all that work that he's done in my life.

I love you, Ah Kong.

That thing that should not be.

2010-01-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

Downloaded this album recently. One of the better ones that I've listened to in a long time. I love the way metal and classical music can fuse together, to make such a masterpiece.

I've got a lack of motivation at the moment, and I've got no idea why. This sucks. I need to find something else to take up my time.

Argh, negative emotions again. I need to play some music, listening just isn't good enough.

It's halfway through January and I've got to get myself going, I'm not gonna do achieve anything by sitting here.

Kinda looking forward to the end of the week, meeting up with old friends and all that. Makes me feel nostalgic. Always a good thing.

Been dreaming a lot, & I don't know what to make of these visions I have. There's hardly any meaning behind all those moving pictures and myriad of colors. I pray that I find the meanings and the messages that He wants me to know.

I need to stop being so worked up, learn to relax.

God answers prayer.

2010-01-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

Truly, God answers prayer.

I think I've finally found closure on this matter, thanks be to God.

The sermon today really struck me. It sounded as if it was planned by God. His message to me.

And through all this, I can't do anything else, but kneel in the in the presence of God.

The enemy has been defeated,

And death couldn't hold You down.

The intersession and prayer session was good. I'm glad I went for it.

Revealing His plan to me, one step at a time.

Speak to me , O God, for your servant is listening.

Soccer made me realize a lot of things. There's nothing stopping me from getting to where I want to be. I just need that self-confidence in myself, and faith in God. Everything else will follow.

And I think I've decoded that dream.

• Dreams are Symbolic.

If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. Whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.

It's got nothing to do with Pulau Ubin, a childhood sweetheart, or earthly love.

It's the story of how He drew me closer to Him, bit by bit.

I think it's a gift. Dreaming. And interpreting those dreams. Really goes to show that there really are hidden messages, just waiting to be found, waiting to be heard.

Lord, bring me to that secret place. That area where I am alone, and truly, listening, and understanding You.

2.08AM

Emotions.

2010-01-16T08:08:00.000-08:00

I'm quite.. confused now. I had a pretty decent day, by my standards, but the night just ruined it for me.

I think I should stop pointing other's mistakes out, makes me seem pretentious and arrogant.

But why can't others just realize when they're wrong and change? It isn't that hard, is it?

Arrgh, arrogant little berks. Time to let my emotions go and let God handle the rest.

It's just one of those days where your emotions just go all over the place. I'm ecstatic for fifteen minutes, angry for five, and feeling pretty much melancholic for the rest of the night.

I need to learn how to stop judging. Who am I to pass any judgement on others, when I'm as imperfect as any other out there.

On a less emotional note, I'm quite proud of myself. I managed to get though the lesson without any major problems.

But I still haven't gone through the notes for tomorrow's lesson. I just don't think I'm in the right frame of mind now to focus.

Argh, this sucks. I'm just rambling on and on about stupid stuff. I told myself I'm not gonna do this when I started this blog, it's the exact same path I headed down when I was blogging on my previous blog, a hellhole of rants and negative emotions.

I don't bother if someone else judges me, as long as they have sufficient evidence behind it. It's unfounded accusations that trigger me off.

Sigh, negative emotions again, I need to let all this anger go and let God take control.

It's not easy. I feel like giving up. This is when I really need You now, God. Speak to me. Show me what to do.

No one ever said it would be so hard.

Say what you want,

do what you feel.

Cause those that mind don't matter,

And those that matter don't mind.

I think I got my answer.

NJ Legion Iced Tea

2010-01-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

Live, fight

Crawl back inside

Sick, blind

Love left behind.

I'm convinced that I can't buy anything even remotely healthy from the coffeeshop below my house.

Once again, iTunes decided to play around with my playlists again. Songs about love, romance, blah blah, you get the drift.

Well, I got the inspiration I needed, thank God. It's just the matter of putting thoughts to paper, or Notepad, in my case.

It's always gonna be an uphill battle.

• Dreams are Symbolic.

Came across this article about dreams online. Made me start thinking about dreams all over again, and the one I had last night.

It's been a real long time since I had a dream as real as this one, and I'm glad it happened when it did. Gives me hope, belief in this emotion called love.

Living for the only thing I know.

I'm actually getting really anxious for this Saturday, bad memories are coming in. I'm afraid I'm gonna say the wrong things, I'm afraid I'm not gonna cover the text properly, I'm afraid.

I'm just gonna put my trust in Him, and count on Him to provide, just like how He did on Sunday.

I'm falling even more in love with You

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until You make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with You

I'm kinda disappointed at myself for not doing more to improve our relations, but I'm sure it'll all work out. So many opportunities, and I wasted almost every single one of them. Oh well, get well soon, and good luck with that assignment yeah? (:

Damn, this download's taking forever to complete.

I'm becoming a monster,

Just like you;

After it all,

You'll try to break me too.

Falling forever,

Chasing dreams.

I brought you to life so I can hear you scream.

She's Hearing Voices

2010-01-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

The time has come to close your eyes

Still the wind and rain

For the one who will be King

The Watcher in the ring

-Revelations, Iron Maiden

Somehow, I don't feel as drained as I expected. I've either,

(a) Not done enough work in the past two days

(b) Been refreshed and made new in the Lord

Somehow, I think it's a combination of both.

Things to do:

Send email and application

Complete portfolio!

edmund HG. Graymalkin. but i tell u at the end of it all

edmund HG. Graymalkin. your understanding of God will grow and it's gna be an awesome experience

Amen.

I thank God for placing people around me, to help me grow in His word, to glorify His name.

I thank god for placing me around certain people, to help them grow, to show them the way, to introduce Him into their lives.

I thank God for giving me the opportunity to live in eternal life with Him.

When the technicality overrides emotions.

iTunes decided to grow a brain on it's own, and started to play songs that basically had the same meaning,

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own- U2

You Are Not Alone-Micheal Jackson

You're Not Alone-Saosin

Stand By Me-Ben E King

You'll Be In My Heart-Phil Collins

I guess, it's just God's way of showing me that He'll always be there for me, whatever it is, under any circumstance, any day, any time.

I'm just amazed by how He can devote so much for me, when I've done pretty much nothing to deserve all this.

Come stop your crying, it will be alright

Just take my hand, hold it tight

I will protect you from all around you

I will be here, don't you cry

Amazing love.

Sleep well.

2010-01-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.

-Luke 3:9

When Judgement Day comes, will I be cast aside as a fruitless tree, one without worth?

It's these nights when I really hear Him speaking to me, letting me know His will, bit by bit.

And I know it's not the full picture, it's just a small part in the canvas that is His Kingdom.

I'm just happy to be a part of it.

I've been reading a lot, and something struck me about Judas' betrayal. Was it predestined, God's will, or was the betrayal done out of human will? Something to discuss about with the cell this Saturday.

I'm enjoying working, for a change. Not normal work, not a job, just something to occupy me. Preparing Bible studies, writing essays, compiling my portfolio. It's good to do something other than stare at the computer screen.

Say goodnight.

After everything has changed.

2010-01-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

It's gonna be one hell of a week. But I know, that God will bring me through it safely.

Today just set the bar for awesomeness in 2010.

Service was great! Worship, sermon, every single thing just fell into place. I like how Pastor Kenneth used music to get his message across.

Leading the Sec Ones was quite fulfilling. Honestly, I had a lot of self-confidence issues. Bad memories from the last time I led, nerves, self-doubt and all those obstacles the Devil puts in our ways.But after the prayer, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, literally. I felt as if it was not I who taught them God's word, but God himself.

I don't know how to explain this in human terms, but it was as if He really took over.

Complete surrender.

A melancholy town where we never smile.

To Do List for this week:

1)Hand in DAE application

2)Complete my awesome portfolio

3)Prepare for Bible study with the cell group

4)Prepare for Discovery with the kids

5)Pray

6)Have faith

7)Glorify Him in whatever I do.

I'm having something of a writer's block, can't find inspiration for my essay. But I will have faith in Him, and trust in His Daily Bread. He will provide.

Trust and obey.

Windmill, Windmill for the land.

Turn forever hand in hand

Take it all in on your stride

It is sinking, falling down

Love forever, love is free

Let's turn forever you and me

Windmill, windmill for the land

Is everybody in?

Revival.

12.10AM

Service in sacrifice.

2010-01-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?

You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

1 Corinthians 19-20

Note to self: Wake up.

Next week's gonna be hectic, I'm gonna start on my portfolio! And with God's grace, I will get though it okay.

Undisclosed Desires

2010-01-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

God will make a way,

When there seems to be no way.

He works in ways we cannot see.

He will make a way for me.

He will be my Guide,

Hold me closely to His side.

With love and strength for each new day,

He will make a way.

Today was a very good day. I found God speaking to me in the most unlikely of places, from the least expected of people.

And when he spoke, I listened. I think I did.

Brought my brother around for SP and NP's open houses today, and it felt good. To help others. Without expecting anything in return.

A door has opened up for me, somehow. Another opportunity. There for the taking. I guess God really didn't leave anything out, and he made sure that today was fruitful. Thank You, God.

As today passed, I grew confident. Maybe a little too confident, believing in my own abilities rather than have faith in Him. And when that happened, the door shut. One of them, anyway. Just reminds me that I can't rely on my own strength, and it's only through Him, that I can succeed.

I don't know if this is the right path for me, but I will have faith. In His will, His way for me.

But that doesn't mean I can just slack off and expect Him to provide. I need to do my part, for things to fall into place.

You're all I want,

You're all I need.

I'm amazed by the love parents have for their children. All those times, when I betrayed my parents's trust, lied to them, wasted their time and money. After all of that, they still support me, give me a roof over my head, and love me. It's only now, that I understand all the pains they've gone through, just to give me the best.

All that, and I've done nothing to even begin to repay them.

Now, I truly understand the real meaning of family.

& although the path ahead of me may be foggy, filled with doubt and anxiety, I know, that there'll always be people supporting me.

And whatever it is, God will make a way.

On a lighter note, I'm glad to say that there's finally some headway on the Snickers Conundrum. It's not much, but it'll do for now.

I realize that my blog posts are really, more than anything, reflecting on my current state of mind. Now that my heart's fully set on God, almost every post has Christian undertones. Sweet eh?

Yes, I may not be a perfect Christian, but I'm trying my best. Besides, no one ever reaches that peak, that hallowed area of perfection.

And considering the circumstances, I think I'm doing pretty well.

Sorry for the messy content in this post, there's just too many emotions coming out from me now, and I need someway to release it. I promise it won't be like this the next time.

Miss Sarajevo

2010-01-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

I've been looking through my Facebook history, just reminiscing about the past.

I came across a few quizzes I took, supposedly to know more about me.

There's quite a bit, scroll down if you don't want to be bored.

Heng Guang took the The Subconscious Quiz quiz and the result is The Drama Queen

You are most likely to be a dreamer, a drama and a flirt. You relish attention and the finer things in life. The grass always seems greener on the other side and you will never stop moving on and heading for the next goal or challange. When it comes to problems you usually hope they'll eventually just go away and you tend to put most things off till tomorrow, so there is more time for you naturally darling! Friends are drawn to you because you dive into situations head first causing a big splash and send waves throughout your networks. If there's any gossip it usually includes you or was made up by you. You must tame your wild side so that work can actually go ahead, living for today is fine, but be careful not to burn the candle at both ends or you'll end up sad and alone - your two most hated things.

Heng Guang took the WHAT MOUSEHUNT CHEESE ARE YOU? quiz and the result is Radioactive Blue

You're rather eccentric, but in a good way. You're quirky and witty, not easy to make friends with, but when you do, your friendship shines like a radioactive glow. Like Radioacitve Blue, you're hard to get, but well relied upon.

Heng Guang discovered his Chinese Astrology sign is The Metal Sheep!

Brief Description : Sheep are often elegant and artistic and like to be part of a group. They are good with people but tend to step off on the wrong foot.

Positive Traits : appealing, altruistic, creative, empathetic, intuitive, generous, artless, gentle, romantic, sensitive, compliant, candid and self-effacing darlings

Negative Traits : self-pitying, pessimistic, fugitive, parasitic, vengeful, lazy, indecisive, contentious, violent, capricious, irresponsible, tardy, careless, bigoted, nasty little pieces of work

Heng Guang viewed his Love Zodiac Profile for the zodiac sign Cancer.

If you are Cancer:

You crave for more and more love. You are very emotional and very romantic. There are no bounds in love for your partner. You tend to have relationships that do not last for a long time. You are devoted and a gentle-hearted lover. You pour your everything in a relationship. Sentiments are very important for you. You do not go overboard in displaying your romantic feelings but you ensure that the object of your affection knows how much you care for them.

To attract you, the opposite sex must be:

expressive, sensitive, romantic, intimate, etc.

You are more compatible with - Cancer, Capricorn, Scorpio, Pisces

You are less compatible with -Aries, Gemini, Sagittarius

Heng Guang took the quiz Your Ice Cream Personality and the result is Wild

You are a bit of a bragger. Your personality is larger than life - and you really enjoy showing off.

You are the type of person who likes to throw caution to the wind. You only live once, so you're going to live as large as possible. You are definitely a wild one!

You are a very open minded, liberal, and flexible person. You love many things. You tend to have tastes that range from down home to cosmopolitan.

You tend to have a one track mind. You prefer not to multitask.

You are fun loving and sweet. You tend to enjoy joking around and teasing people.

I told myself to take all those results with a pinch of salt, it's all just humor.

But I realize, now, that they reflect me quite well.

NOTE: All spelling/punctuation errors above are not mine, I merely copied them from the original page itself.

I think I'm spending too much time on the computer, I find myself trying to Ctrl-F whatever I can't find.

When you cry, I'll wipe away all of your tears

If you scream, I'll fight away all of your fears

And I'll hold your hand, through all of these years.

You'll have all of me.

Second part of Heroes was quite good, I loved the speech Peter made about Nathan. Makes me wonder if Bing Huii's gonna give me such an eulogy.

I don't think I'll be updating as much from now on, I'll be blogging only when I really feel the need to.

Besides, I guess these lengthy posts should be enough to keep you company!

I had this conversation with Alden, Alex and Zhan Feng during church camp, about our ideal girl.

I'm not gonna talk about the rest, private and confidential hehe.

I had quite a few guidelines for mine, here goes.

1.Christian.

2.Appreciates/tolerates metal.

3.Animal lover.

4. Preferably redheaded.

5.Accepts me for who I am.

6.Able to talk about almost anything under the sun.

Funnily enough, I wasn't thinking of her when I listed it then. Thinking about it now, she really does fit into all the above criteria.

But I'm not taking anything for granted, I'll just let Him take control, and I'll see where it goes.

Even if it doesn't work out, I'm sure He will provide.

And no, I'm not attached, although I sound like I am. I'm just feeling the love that the world's pouring out. It feels good.

Too young to live without hope.

2010-01-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

I was beginning to see, though, that the unknown wasn’t always the greatest fear.The people who know you best can be the riskier, because the words they say and the things they think have the potential to not only be scary, but true as well.

- Just Listen by Sarah Dessen

I swear, tumblr-surfing's taking too much of my time.

It's nice to kick back, and take things slow for a

while. Takes your mind off all those inevitable monkey wrenches that life throws at you.

Because I'll never let this go,

But I can't find the words to tell you.

First episode of Heroes for 2010 wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that good either. Young Samuel and Joseph were cool, however.

Slash's guitar solos always find a way to take my mind off stuff.

I'm kinda looking forward to Sunday, can't wait to teach the kids. I just pray that I'll be able to have the confidence and wisdom to teach them the right things.

Wait. I'm not the one teaching them. God's the one. I'm nothing but His tool, to further His work.

That's it. It's all about You.

Time to stop living in a world of "what ifs". It's time to go out, and take control.

The Pursuit Of Happyness

2010-01-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how things without words can convey so much emotions. Stuff like pictures, guitar solos, scenery and the natural environment. Makes us wonder just how much our words really mean.

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is the meaning of success.

It's nice to see that there are people who share the exact same interests, and have the same view to life as you. These are the sort of people I live to meet. And I believe I've already met one such person, I just hope that our friendship grows stronger with every passing day.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.

-PRIME MINISTER, LOVE ACTUALLY

I don't feel like saying much now, I'll rely on quotes I found lying around on the Internet.

There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch that’s thrown at them. We aren’t made that way. In fact, we’re made to get mad, upset, sad, be hurt, stumble and fall. We aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. But that’s what makes us stronger in the end, by learning from the things that hurt us most.

-UNKNOWN

It's times like these, and these selfless people that help me believe in the power of love. Not romantic love between lovers, but love in it's purest, most basic form. Love for one another, love for the world around us, love for everything.

Right now, I'm just thankful I'm alive, and lived long enough to see this day. If I'm not thankful for this, what else can I be thankful for?

Today's been good, but it's not only the good days that make life worth living. It's everything, all the pain, happiness, suffering, joy, trauma, hope and everything else that makes life, truly what it is.

Thank You, God for making this world a truly, beautiful place, and for giving me a chance to enjoy it.

Dance Of Death

2010-01-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

I'm stumped on how I'm supposed to start this blog post. Wait, I just did!

It's been an eventful weekend, and I thank God for bringing me through it with patience, wisdom and faith.

Meeting the Sec Ones was quite nice, some really reminded me of myself when I was younger.

Honestly, I had a lot of doubts when coming for this camp. It was the first time I ever saw the kids, and I totally didn't know who to talk to them, to interact with them, to be their friends.

But when we all sat there at the pantry, I felt calmness come over me. I felt truly, at home with them.

Yeah, there were some awkward moments, but generally, I think I managed to reach out to them, starting this 6-year mentorship.

Spending time with the rest of the cell group was great, especially that night when we just got together and created music. It's funny how people from totally different backgrounds can come together, bonded by music.

And Edmund's rendition of "The Scientist" was awesome. Seriously.

In a world beyond controlling,

Are you gonna deny the Savior

Right before your eyes?

I'm glad I came into this camp with the right mentality. That frame of mind. Gives me a focus, something to reach toward.

On the other hand, it was extremely amusing to see all of us trying our best to set a good example for the kids. Hoho.

YY's birthday celebration was the bomb. Literally.! An aural assault of high pitched noises and sugar highs.

This self-discovery,

Redemption taking hold of my mind.

Keeping my mind on the goal, to live a life in His image.

Sermon on Sunday itself was extremely engaging. Tried my best to keep myself alert during the whole service.

I want to change myself, not just to be a role model to the kids. I want to be a living testimony for Him, and the changes He's done in my life. I don't want to be a different person on Sundays, and revert back to the crude person I was before.

I am merely a tool, used my God to further His Kingdom on Earth. I've always take Him for granted, asking Him for help, only when I need it, using Him for my own goals.

I need to let go, have faith in His plan for me, let Him use me as His tool.

Let go, let God.

I hope the rest of January continues to be just as good. But even if it's not, I will have faith.

Speak to me, God, show me Your way.

The Second Coming.

2010-01-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;

Surely the Second Coming is at hand.

The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out

When a vast image out of Spritus Mundi

Troubles my sight:

somewhere in the sands of the desert

A shape with lion body and the head of a man,

A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,

Is moving its slow thighs,

while all about it

Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.

The darkness drops again;

but now I know

That twenty centuries of stony sleep

were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

The Unwinding Cable Car

2010-01-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

Emotive, unstable,

You're like an unwinding cable car.

Listening for voices,

But it's the choices that make us who we are.

This New Year's day been pretty static, I've not been doing much, both physically and spiritually.

The watchnight service was quite good, I found myself picking up loads of stuff from it.

It was nice to see Deric coming for the service, I honestly hope he comes more regularly.

Living without scheming. Giving it all to God. Having faith. That's what I need to learn.

On a lighter note, Skype conversations with the gang have been pretty funny of late. The top 10 countdown, gorilla aggro, and Kenn's live performance of "Somewhere Only We Know". I'm glad this is the group of people I'll be growing with.

Camp tomorrow! I know it's gonna be good, 'cause God said so!

Speak for yourself,

You paper tigers.

You'll crash where you stand,

You've got a riot on your hands.

Bullet The Blue Sky

2009-12-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I'll blog more tomorrow, pretty tired now.

The Swiss Army Romance

2009-12-30T09:45:00.000-08:00

Today's quite an eventful day, I figured out quite a lot within 24 hours.

Mother dearest, she made me clear out most of the study room. Found loads of stuff I totally forgot about, such as my entire collection of marbles, and all those toys I had.

Brings back memories of when I wasn't distracted by computers, or anything digital, for that matter.

Briefing for camp was quite wut, distracted by other stuff.

I has this sudden revelation during the briefing, about the camp.

What's my true intention in going for the camp? I realized I've turned my eyes away from the true motive, the true reason why I volunteered to go.

I've been talking about opportunities, but I'm certain, this camp is not one of them. I need to keep my eyes and heart fully focused on God, and the Sec Ones, not on the Snickers Conundrum.

Yes, it would really advance our friendship/relationship if I focused on her instead, but that would be the wrong intention, in coming to the camp, wouldn't it?

I feel like sharing my testimony to the kids, but I don't feel right about it. I don't have that much to say, I don't have any "big" events in my life that would be relevant to them.

I want to someday touch someone, with my testimony, of what He has done in my life, of how He changed me from an ungrateful bastard, to one that is earnestly seeking redemption.

Let's waste time,

Chasing cars,

Around our heads.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.

And, it's the 31st again. Happy birthday, Desiree, if you're seeing this. I'm sorry for not giving you my all, and fabricating all those stories that barely justifies my absence. I hope you'll find someone who's perfect for you, and can look after you in every way that I couldn't.

It's that time of the year again. Where we reflect on the past year, what we've done, what we didn't do, relationships made, friendships strengthened, hearts broken, love found.

I don't really see many differences in my life, from now, and one year ago. I'm still without a school, I still can't play the guitar properly, I haven't made any headway in my love life.

But there is one, big, significant difference in my life. I have fully devoted myself, to live for Him, to have faith in His word, to carry out His will on Earth.

That one difference, to me, is worth one whole year. Accepting Him as my Savior is easy, but to really devote everything to Him, to give it all up, is another thing altogether.

I don't really have any resolutions for this new year, other than living my life in His image, and to follow His footsteps, glorifying His name with this Earthly body.

Actually, I do have some earthly resolutions, although I don't think I'm gonna keep to any of them.

1.Jam again with Admit One Only

2.Make some headway on the Snickers Conundrum

3.Get myself fit and ready for army

4.Plan a party for my grandparents

5.Staying happy

Honestly, even if I completed all these earthly resolutions, I wouldn't be satisfied. Not unless He looks down, and says, " Good job, son."

That's what I want. What I crave for. What I need. Acceptance. Approval. His smile.

I'm looking forward to service tomorrow. And Sunday's one. I haven't attended a TTB service in almost a month, and I'm missing it.

So here we are,

fighting, and trying to hide the scars.

I'll be home tonight,

Take a breath and softly say goodbye.

Anthem of the Angels.

2009-12-29T09:23:00.000-08:00

"Seems like I'm always starting over. It's always my first day. When's it gonna be time for the rest?"

-Eric Doyle, the Puppet Master

I've been looking forward to these nights. The only time when I really have peace, when I can calm my thoughts down, and journal them down into this blog. It brings with it a sense of peace, and understanding within myself.

Been blog-hopping recently, and that feeling of disappointment of seeing others not updating is coming back. I guess it's karma, I wasn't that active myself until recently. Oh well.

Had dinner with my grandparents tonight, brings back memories of my childhood, when both Ah Kong and Ah Ma used to take me out, carrying me around when I could barely walk.

Makes me realize how much they've loved me, and the little I've done to repay them for this love.

I can feel you falling away.

No longer the lost,

No longer the same.

Life's been pretty much stagnant so far, think it's time for me to find a job. And start researching on that zookeeper career.

Oh & I want a boat. Not a really big one, just one nice and cozy enough for me to lie in, and enjoy the waves rocking, moving along to the beat of the sea.

It's nice to have a calm exterior force to move you, to just gently rock you to sleep.

Forever, and ever

These scars will remain.

Two minutes to midnight.

2009-12-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

I'm back! I must say, it was a real satisfying trip. I'm glad I went for it. Spent loads of time with my family, and I finally realized how much I've been neglecting them.

At Malacca, I had this feeling. Of contentment. Similar to the feelings I had when I was younger. That calm in your heart, without reality rearing its ugly head. Freedom, to actually enjoy yourself without any limits. That special feeling I've been looking for. That inner peace.

On the other hand, as said above, spending time with my family was nice, especially with my younger cousins and my grandparents.

Dear Agony,

Just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's got to be?

I spent a lot of time thinking about The Snickers Conundrum when I was in Malacca. I realized, the lack of progress isn't due to external factors, it's because of my own hesitance.

I kept making excuses, "valid reasons" to why I didn't do anything when the opportunity was staring right at me.

"Oh, she's always with her group, it'll be awkward"

"She's talking to blahblah now, I can't just charge in like that"

"I'm not that close to her, it'll be weird if I just start a conversation like that"

After a while, there's no more inner conversations that I can have with myself; inner debates on whether I should go or not.

I kept thinking that there's always something there to hinder my progress. But what if there's nothing there, and I'm just looking for a reason to hesitate?

Three windows of opportunity, and I didn't take hold of a single one of them.

And I will find the enemy within,

'Cause I can feel it crawling beneath my skin.

One more opportunity looms. It's there for the taking. And this time, I'm not gonna make excuses for myself. It's just me, candybar, and God.

But what happens if it doesn't go as planned? I don't want to risk our friendship.

Again, too shy to ask, too proud to lose.

I guess there's no way around it. It's only by opening the box, that I can find out whether the cat is alive or dead.

Why does every post have to sound so sad? This isn't a real representative of me. I'm not emo, I'm just introspective.

It's time to seize the day.

Somewhere, far beyond this world.

I feel nothing anymore.

Oh, you beautiful stranger.

2009-12-25T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda getting lazy to blog, even though I'm doing it for myself. Meh.

Christmas Day! Or it was, one hour and 44 minutes ago.

What can I say about this Christmas? For one, it definitely wasn't what I expected. Yes, I didn't expect to sing "Joy To The World" in no less than 4 languages.

Sermon was quite engaging today, I liked how Pastor Kow mixed it up with videos along the way.

Where the streets have no name.

Something struck me as I was eating my breakfast. A radio advert played, from Gold 90.5 FM.

Something about wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But what really got to me was the descriptions of Christmas. There was something about gift-giving, eating, and other material comforts.

Don't they know that Christmas isn't about material or physical satisfaction? Don't they know, that it signifies God Himself coming onto Earth, to live as a mortal man?

It's annoying to see, or in this case, hear, how the media has twisted and turned Christmas into a time for partying and getting yourself wasted.

Sigh, I'm ranting again.

Time to move to something less depressing. Something like.. music!

Ohohoh and I saw my face in FaithLink. Not a good picture. Thanks a million, Kenn.

This song came up today while I was trying to do something productive. It's a Westlife song, pretty old, but still kinda nice.

I'm too lazy to copy and paste all the lyrics here! One whole block of text, it's gonna turn all 3 of my readers off.

Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you out of my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I just can't find
The courage to show to let you know
I've never felt love like this before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me ?
How will I know if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why don't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

If I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

How will I know if I let you go ?

Kind of the story of my life eh?

Never having any self-confidence to ask, to find out.

Spoke to Leroy about stuff, and he's the 5th person to know about the conundrum. Honestly, I can't think of anything to do, but to place it all in the hands of God. Have faith. He will make a way.

I'll be on a holiday until the 28th, and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I'd much rather be in church on the 27th, getting to know the kids, building bonds with them, but family is family. I'm sure even a small detail such as this still fits into His plan, so yeah, I'll leave it all to him.

With or without you.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!.

2009-12-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas! Yes, I'm 2 hours and 40+ minutes late, but it doesn't matter. Better late than never!

Had a good period of reflection today, thinking about sacrifice, about giving.

Dear little girl,

So much hurt,

For such a young age.

Fact Number One. It feels so much better to give than to receive.

Service was very different today, quite cool to see Pastor Joel speaking in Mandarin to cater to the heartlanders.

When the light starts to burn,

When the pain returns.

Fact Number Two. Nothing ever lives up to it's expectations.

There was this one point in service where I felt truly alive. Not "alive" in bodily terms, but spiritual. When all the lights were turned off, where the only things that moved were the flames on our candles, and our lips, singing praises to Him. How awesome was it, to be standing there, at that moment, just singing praises to Him?

I just wish that I could heal the hurt you feel tonight.

Fact Number Three. Christmas isn't about gifts and presents and lights and decorations. It's about the Son of God coming onto Earth, a joyous event that should be celebrated for what it is.

I reflected upon what I was after the service. Have I really given it all to Him? Can I fall back on nothing but faith? Am I doing His will in my life?

It's not that I don't enjoy Christmas, on the contrary, I do. It's just that many people are celebrating it for the wrong reasons, past versions of me included. Christmas has been mangled to be seen as a time when trees are placed in houses, money is spent freely, and merry-making is smiled upon.

How can we make it known to the world, that it's only through Him, that we live.

How can we make it known that this day, the 25th of December, is a time for celebrating His birth.

How can we make it known, that He is our One and only Savior.

How can you expect to win this war?

When you're too afraid to fight.

On a lighter note, I'm starting a prayer request service. I'll start with my cell group, then gradually move on to a larger group of people. Just trying to help everyone, one step at a time.

Stand unafraid,

All the good souls

Stand unafraid.

I've been having this really bad cough that's been sticking with me since church camp. I pray that it goes away soon, my throat's dying because of it.

Stand unafraid.

No matter what.

2009-12-22T08:53:00.000-08:00

'Cause You're all I want,

You're all I need,

You're everything,

You'e everything.

I didn't realize it's so close to Christmas. I'm not really feeling the festive spirit right now.

Alden said something about walking down Orchard Road and looking at the decorations. But I don't think that's what Christmas is about, decorations and presents.

They say it's the season of giving, but how can we give something that's of value to others, when we've received the greatest gift anyone could ever get; eternal life.

Nothing else compares.

You are the strength

That keeps me walking

You are the hope

That keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You are everything.

The cycle.

2009-12-21T11:46:00.001-08:00

Okay, my third post for the night. Reason why I didn't just merge everything into one post? Because all three posts have different messages, and if I threw them all together, it'll just be one incoherent mess, leaving both you and me confused. Now, that's not what we want, is it?

I've been moving in a cycle. For many things. But there's this one that I want to write down, just to remind myself of it in the future.

It's the cycle of failed love.

Stage One. Initial Attraction.

You talk to her, she talks to you. It may happen the first time you see that person, it may be a delayed process. But inevitably, it will happen. And you can't do anything to stop it. You find every single thing that person does to be cute/charming/funny/(insert adjective here). you find yourself thinking of that person almost all the time. This is Stage One.

Stage Two. Progression Of Relationships.

You try to get to know that person better. You chat more often, sometimes everyday. You try to find reasons to be around that person. You find yourself drawn more and more into that spinning vortex, getting your head giddy with the feeling of ecstasy. You find yourself doing things you wouldn't usually do, just to get a conversation topic with that person. This is Stage Two.

Stage Three. Realization.

You find that there's others in his/her life. You think you know everything, but you find that what you know, is only a small and insignificant part of his/her life. You try to do anything to get yourself out of that zone,doing stupid things to get his/her attention. This is Stage Three.

Stage Four. Desperation.

Despite your best efforts, it's clear that he/she is not interested in you. In fact, he/she's probably interested in one of your friends instead of you. At this point, you're probably desperate for just a little of his/her attention. This is Stage Four.

Stage Five. Failure, Depression, and Acceptance.

He/she goes out with another person, they get attached, you fall into a deep depression, for about a week to a month. You get over it, accept the fact that they're not gonna be with you, at least for now, and move on to someone else, restarting the cycle. This is Stage Five.

Of course, not all relationships follow this crappy made-up cycle I came up with. In fact, I'm willing to bet that less than 20% of all romantic relationships come under this cycle. But why am I still writing about it? It's just to remind myself, because whether I like it or not, I always find myself being dragged down into this cycle. This post's gonna be a reminder, of what's gonna happen, and the steps I need to take to stop it.

I just hope this current one's not gonna suffer the same fate as those before it.

I don't ever want to forget that smile.

4.31 AM

Cell Group Chalet!

2009-12-21T11:34:00.000-08:00

I am-

(a) tired after 5 solid lack-of-sleep nights

(b) not gonna talk because my throat is really killing me

(d) happy because it's raining at night

Cell group chalet was okay, I guess. Not what I hyped it out to be, but then again, nothing ever is.

I sort of miss the other two Fairsians when they weren't around, sounds like a gay bromance.

Night cycling was fun, especially when it rained. As those drops of water fell on me, I truly felt alive.

The cycling also really made me realize my place. I'm nothing, without His hand guiding me, showing me the path.

I sort of bonded with the others, or those that bothered to come. Had this nice chat with Joel about kelongs and fishing. It's nice to see that beneath all those differences that all of us have, we're very similar people.

Had this chat with Deric about our thoughts, and it made me realize that I really read into stuff too much. Not everything has a inner meaning, sometimes, you just have to take stuff for what they are; it's face value. Sometimes, there's no message waiting to be heard underneath that action, and that's why you don't get a reply most of the time.

But that doesn't mean I'm gonna change the way I see things. Sooner or later, I'm gonna understand someone's inner message to me. And when that day comes, I'm not gonna let that message, and the opportunity it brings, go.

The inevitable fade to black.

2009-12-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

Perfection is nothing but an illusion. A lie we fabricate, to make us believe that there is something more we can aim for, something beyond human boundaries.

Perfection lies only in the face of God, nothing else.

Sleep now in the fire.

2009-12-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

My total number of blog posts this month's more than the combined total of July to November. Awesome.

Today was good, I guess. Discovery didn't really help me discover much, rather ironic. But still, it was fruitful, going through the lessons and thinking of hooks for the kids. I can already imagine the lessons!

There was this little something that Leroy mentioned to me earlier, about commitment. He was talking about the Sec ones, about committing your next 6 years to them, not giving up, persevering all the way through.

I realized that commitment doesn't just apply to the teaching, but to almost everything else.

Commitment to your studies. That, I evidently lacked. Commitment to your future career. Commitment to your religion. Commitment to your spouse.

Can I count on myself to commit, fully, with knowledge that He will provide?

Just as I was thinking about that line above, a song come up on my iTunes.

Carry on, my wayward son.

There'll be peace when you are done.

Lay your worried head to rest;

Don't you cry no more.

A message? Or just pure coincidence? I choose to believe the former, not because I want reassurance, but because I know that He is trying to speak to me, through whatever medium possible.

What does that verse mean? Up to interpretation, I have absolutely no idea, but I really do want to know.

Know His plan for me. Know what is ahead. However, just as the Liang Wei said, you don't need to know everything. Have faith, and He will provide.

Have faith.

Everything about you, is so easy to love.

I realize that I've been writing in a narrative style for most of my posts. Gives that storybook feel to my life, doesn't it?

And I believe in the Kingdom come

When all the colors bleed into one.

You broke the bonds and loosened the chains.

Carried the cross,

Of my shame.

You know I believe it.

But I still haven't found, what I'm looking for.

What lies beneath.

2009-12-16T12:05:00.000-08:00

It's just so irritating to open the fridge, see all those tiny morsels of happiness, pleading " Eat me!", while you stand by the side, unable to do anything about it because your mother's gonna stop your cash flow if one single piece goes missing.

Fine, I gave in, I ate one. ONE. ONE chocolate macaroon! I mean, argh.

I can't believe it's already Thursday. Church camp seems so long ago. I just hope that this spiritual high continues.

Die, soccer tomorrow @ NP @ 10. I don't think I'll make it.

Second season of Reaper's been quite good, I have no idea why it was canceled. Tyler Labine is the shit. He's just like a Jack Black on network television.

Just one more glimpse of that beautiful smile, and I'm done for tonight.

This Modern Love

2009-12-15T07:50:00.000-08:00

My mum has this $75 box of chocolates in the fridge, and it's taking all of my willpower not to touch it. Apparently, it's for the whole family to savor. Damn.

BUT, there's no "KEEP OFF" sign on the soya tarts, which have found a new dwelling place! My mouth!

This week's been pretty uneventful so far, but I'm looking forward to the weekend! Discovery on Friday, and cell group retreat on on Sat-Mon!

Somehow, Sundays have become my favorite days. I used to dread waking up for church, but my body feels wrong if it doesn't wake itself up at 7.30am on Sundays.

Bloc Party = awesome. Anberlin=awesome. Breaking Benjamin=awesome. Iron Maiden=awesome. Coldplay=awesome. Rage Against The Machine=awesome. Backstreet Boys=awesome.Metallica=awesome. Foo Fighters=awesome. God= AWESOME.

This is the correlation between salvation and love,

Don't drop your arms,I'll guard your heart

With quiet words, I'll lead you in.

I wanna go to a live concert! At least once before I die.

12.12 AM

The Snickers Conundrum

2009-12-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

Operation: Candy Bar has been officially changed to The Snickers Conundrum. Why? Sounds cooler, and Snickers is just awesome.

I want the Forgetting Sarah Marshall OST!

Hawaii's a beautiful place, I have to be there for like at least a week before I die.

Today was quite good, Liverpool lost again. I'm beginning to really enjoy Sundays, for all the right reasons.

I just can't get enough of your company, and I'm excited, and glad, to see where this takes me.

If anything could ever be this good again.

2009-12-12T11:27:00.001-08:00

Is it a good thing to be coughing out blood?

Match just ended, United 0-1 Villa. sigh.

Had this feeling Villa was gonna get something from it, they've really been on form since the win against Liverpool.

This is why Villa's my second favorite EPL club. They play like a team, co-ordinated, not giving up any ball.

James Milner was awesome. Same can't be said for King Ando.

A rather sad conclusion to what was quite a good day, by my standards.

Soccer practise was good, feels great to finally use my boots again and train properly, not that half-assed crap we play on Gan Eng Seng.

Parish party was meh, nothing much actually. Company was good, however.

Crashed outside DailyScoops after parish party, chatted for quite some time with the cell group mates.

I like the fact that we're gonna be together for like, the rest of our lives. Makes the times we share all the more special. I feel a very good vibe coming from Ocean, especially after church camp.

Argh, shouldn't have had that frozen B-cup, my throat's killing me now.>:(

Oh Love, don't let me go.

Won't you take me where the street lights glow?

Operation Candy Bar is going smoothly, results shouldn't be out so soon, but let's see how it goes.

There are some things that I just can't take. Like people who can't spell properly. It's you're, not your. It's they're, not their.

But on her, I don't find it irritating. I don't just find it tolerable, I like it. 'Cause it's the little things, that make me love every single bit of her.

When she gave me that sweet, sweet smile my heart just melted.

Can't everyday feel like this, forever?

Now, my feet won't touch the ground.

3.39 AM

Be strong, believe.

2009-12-11T04:06:00.000-08:00

Just had this brainwave as I was returning home.

I was at Dover MRT, walking down the stairs, observing everyone.

Then I realised. I am nothing. I'm just another face in the crowd, another name in the endless sea of alphabets.

Who am I, that He died for me? Gave up His life, to save this sick, two-faced bastard?

I walked on, and my music player decided to attune itself to my moods. These lyrics stood out to me, like He was telling me something.

I wanna make a change, right here, right now,

I wanna live a life like you somehow.

I wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile.

And yes, I want to make a change right now, and live a life like Yours.

Everything is gonna be alright, be strong, believe.

On another note, stayover at the Cougar's den was epic, just for that sight of Mund grumbling at his sister. AHAHA.

Esther: Wake up la, I made breakfast for you and your friends!!

Edmund:Stop irritating me la, let me sleep!

Esther:But later the food cold then you complain again.

Edmund:I won't complain la, go away.

" " "

You get my drift.

OH, and Mund's passport pic is EPIC. DAMN CUTE CAN?

And it's damn funny so see Mund nagging at his sister to do his work. Goodness.

It's wasting me away, everytime I think of you. More and more each day, I feel it. Like a flood coming in. But I can's do anything to express it, especially under current circumstances.

Have faith, and He will provide.

But I can't find the words to tell you.

2009-12-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

That very first time I looked you in the eyes, my heart raced. Not for the lesson or whatever came afterward, but for you.

Everytime I'm around you, I feel weak. Every single aspect of you just takes my breath away.

Your flawless hair, your beautiful smile, your sparkling eyes, that sweet voice.

Right now, I just wish I got to know you better before, instead of struggling with my self-esteem and confidence issues.

I may not have the softest touch

I may not say the words as such

And though I may not look like much

I'm yours.

I'm back to square one. 6 months later, it's still the same. But different in a way. I just feel that she's the one. But then again, I felt the same for everyone before. What makes this any different?

Story of my life: Is this the right candy bar for me?

Empowered by the Holy Spirit, to do whatever is pleasing to His eyes.

This week was awesome. In more ways than one.

Church camp was really great. Once again, I felt the Spirit flowing through me, molding me to do His will, to live a life for Him.

For a long time I wondered, why did Jesus die for me? Who was I, do deserve his sacrifice.

But the answer was there all along, I just didn't see it.

Jesus loves me, this I know.

For the Bible tells me so.

It's right there. Just because the His Word says so. Nothing else matters, apart from the fact that He loved me, and gave his life for me.

Right now, I'm still struggling to live a Godly life, in my words, thoughts, and actions. It's a long, uphill battle. But I know I can make it, with Him leading me through.

One message that really spoke to me was the one on God's calling. One particular sentence rang out, like a gong amidst all the mayhem.

"When we ask Him for advise, it's just for His mark of approval. Even if He disagrees, we still go on with it anyway."

^ That was who I was. Praying only to ask God for His stamp of approval, not listening when he said no, not heeding His word, not following His direction for my life.

Only now, I realise, it is only through Christ, that we have strength. Man on his own, is nothing.

Heng Guang, learn to give Him your all, have faith. Let faith guide your way, don't get bounded by the ways of the world.

This is me, now, transformed.

I know I don't fit in that much,

But I'm Yours.

Dear God,

2009-12-08T11:51:00.001-08:00

How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?

Tired of starting again.

2009-11-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

I almost slipped today, but in truth, it's all in my head.

Used again last week, despite my mental post-it notes and reminders everywhere.

At one point in time, it became more than an outlet for me, more than some temporary pleasure.

It became a habit. An addiction.

I want to get over this. Not just for my good, but for everyone else. I'm gonna be a cell group leader, hopefully, and I need to be a good role model for the kids.

The first week's always the hardest, but I will put this behind me.

I know I can't do this on my own, so Lord, help me. Be the light for my path, guide me through this mess that is my life.

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse.

The first day of the rest of my life.

'Cause all this pain is getting old.

2009-10-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how we can say one thing today, and completely turn it around a week later.

Life has been quite lame recently, we resorted to killing others in DotA for revenge against the loss against Liverpool. Still, funny match.

I just realized that music has, all along, been playing a real big part in my life. I remember when I was younger, I pissed my mother off so bad, she refused to even talk to me. I couldn't talk my way out of it then, I wasn't as eloquent as I am now, but I had other methods.

I made this really tacky map for her to see when she came back from work. It directed her to the CD player (computers weren't portable then), where there was a note saying "Press PLAY".

The CD was The Eminem Show, track was number 4, "Cleaning Out My Closet".

Basically, I got my mother to listen to a song full of profanities to tell her I was sorry and that I was gonna change.

I know how stupid it sounds now, but that was how I expressed myself best then. I imagined myself breaking up with a girl over Backstreet Boy's "Get Another Boyfriend" and proposing with "As Long As You Love Me" in the background.

Fast forward to now, 27 October 2009. I still have songs that I feel represent my current feelings, although I don't apologize with rap anymore.

I guess, through it all, music's been the only real friend I really had.

In fact, I've prepared a funeral playlist! A list of songs to play when I die. Kewl yes?

1.Alexithymia-Anberlin

2.Wasted Years-Iron Maiden

3.Glad Girls-Guided By Voices

4.Pinball Wizard-The Who

5.Second Chance-Shinedown

6.Breakeven-The Script

7.Sweet Child O' Mine-Guns N' Roses

8.Violet Hill-Coldplay

9.Kokomo-The Beach Boys

10.Everlong-Foo Fighters

See? Death doesn't have to so bad after all!

Inspiration for that list? Glad you asked. My grandfather has only one wish. To have Roy Rogers and Gene Autry playing at his funeral. Since they can't come down, he asks for the next best thing, their songs! And that's what I'm gonna give him.

I guess I have my father and my grandfather for music playing such a big part in my life. Both of them love music, and I guess I inherited that from them. Even though they're not truly father and son, they have combined forces to change my life in a way that I never would have known. Talk about a father-son combo!

AAAAAAAAAAAND!

I want to be a ZOOKEEPER! Latest ambition! More about it in the next post, I hope.

All that's left of me, is what I pretend to be.

2009-09-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

Since this site is so dusty and untouched it probably belongs in a museum that belongs in another museum, I'm gonna spill it all here.

My life just took a rather drastic change. In three months time, or less, I'll be off to serve the nation! Hooray.

Honestly, I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, who I want to become anymore. I barely even feel like doing anything much now.

I don't have the focus to study, I don't want to go out and take crappy orders from an employer, but I certainly don't want to sit around and do nothing.

In short, I don't have control. Pretty ironic, given the title of my blog.

I had a plan. For my life. Or something that passed off as a plan. By 20, I was gonna have a Diploma in Mass Comm, an internship in Mediacorp waiting for me, hopefully a few cameos in mid-day dramas, and 1 or 2 comic stories on the way to reviews, and hopefully publishing.

Look what I've been reduced to. A self-pitying douche, staying at home all day, trying to sound profound by using big words, getting stuffed on potato chips and chocolate, watching TV shows on my computer, and not doing anything to save his own life from going down.

I need to start. But how? When?

Maybe army will change me, for the better. It'll give me time to think things over, away from distractions, and evaluate my life. A new start.

I know it's not too late, but I just don't want to. "There's still time later" & "Wait" are my favorite words. Is there still time later for this? Can it wait?

I need help. And I hope I can get through all this, come out alive, and say"I made it."

Until then, here's to me trying to get my life in order.

OHMY.

2009-09-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

I SEE WEBSSXZXZXZ!

Damn, I've not been here for like 2 months and the whole this looks different.

Night hike last night, quite retarded. Men like us were reduced to eating cup noodles on stairs. Whoo-whee.

Right now, my life's been pretty much a never-ending cycle.

0500 hours: Sleep.
>1400 hours: Wake up.
1500 hours: Eat whatever I can find.
1530 hours: Check FB, Goal.com, blah blah blah.
1700 hours: Soccer/game/whatever takes up time.
2000 hours: Watch TV
2100 hours: Watch TV
2200 hours: Watch TV
2300 hours: Dota with Deric.
0000 hours: Watch HIMYM Re-runs.
0100 hours: Waiting for that golden horn to appear.
And that's the life. Or how it's been so far.

My mum nags. More than Mund in dota. More than Alex calling for a pass. And it's getting real bad. Damn.

I need to control, yo.

Buyakasha! Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I'll update more, I hope. If there's anyone reading this harhar.

I don't think I'm going for class chalet. Waste of money and timee.

Oh lookie, golden horn's there.

Arghh, I'm not even making sense here.

"I Love You, Beth Cooper" ain't that good, watch only if you have 10 bucks to spare.

Actually, scratch that, give me that 10. I need it for my Civil War fund.

I'm craving for red meat nowwww. I wanna have steak, rare, nice and bloody. Yum.

And I need to get myself a guitar that I can actually call my own.

And who the hell is Wais Barakzai?

Control.

2009-08-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

Ho hum. It's been a LONG time since I last updated, and life isn't going so well. Lots of shit been happening, and I just want it all to end.

I've got no idea of what's happening in school, and have virtually no idea of what they're teaching.Which leads me to wonder why I came to TP in the first place.

I don't know anything about Java, Web Design, Cmaths, and I never did my assignments for the only subject I could have aced.

Maybe this is what I am supposed to be. Maybe this is my purpose. To be a cautionary tale for others,stopping them from being like me.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore.

Dear Michael.

2009-07-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

So, it's been two weeks since Michael Jackson died. With all the tributes coming in, all those memorials, of how he changed the world, how he made pop music his and everything else, I'd like to give my two cents worth.

Honestly, I wasn't really affected by his death originally. I mean, I'd get more pain out of Iron Maiden disbanding. Which leads to to think of how he affected me.

How did Michael affect me? I never really listened to much of his songs while growing up, back then, it was Backstreet Boys all the way, (Y). But I knew of him, I knew about his albums from my parents, I knew his songs through the radio, I knew about him through the different covers of his songs that artistes made. And though he never really affected me, I respected him. As an artiste that made a difference in the industry, as a singer who gave his all to his career, as a father who devoted everything to his children, and lastly, as a spokesperson, who fought for racial equality.

Time passed, and controversy surrounded him. Child molestation allegations, plastic surgery, blah blah. Everyone was kicking him while he was down, and I admit, I was one of those despicable people. How we should have gave him a hand while he was in trouble, like how his music lifted us all, during our times of suffering and pain. How I wish I could turn back the clock and change what I've done. Sadly, those times have passed on, just like Micheal himself.

Now, after he passed on, there are those, who mourn the passing of a legend. There are those, who pour scorn over his image. What about me? I still have that respect, and admiration for Micheal. For how he managed to pull through when the whole world was against him, for how he created belief for those without hope. He never was my idol, and never will be, but he will be remembered, for all he has done for the entire music industry, for the changes he tried to make to the world, for the man he has been.

So, what does Michael Jackson mean to me? He is a symbol for racial equality, the voice of the blacks in America. He is a pioneer of pop music, one that still lives today thanks to his musical genius.He fought for change in this world, through his music that defied the barriers of age and race. He is more that just a singer or performer, he is a person that changed the world.

And what if Michael Jackson never existed? We wouldn't be enjoying music as we are now, as he has undeniably left an immense mark on music. We wouldn't be seeing music videos in this form, as he was the one who made them different. We definitely would have grew up differently, without his music in our heads.

From me, sincerely, thank you, Michael, for the good you have done to the world. You will not be forgotten, and I pray that you find peace, wherever you are.

What If?

2009-07-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hello peeple, promised I'd update last week but didn't, get over it.

It's been real crazy lately, I really do need to catch up on programming and web design.

Something's been on my mind for the past few days.

Marvel Comics had this special thing they'd do for kicks,exploring the road not travelled, it's called What If?. What if Aunt May had died instead of Uncle Ben? What if Iron Man had been a traitor? What if Jean Grey had removed her powers instead of commiting suicide? All those stories untold, just because of a certain decision, or a route not taken.

Some of these scenarios turned out for the better, some not.(obviously.) But the main point is being able to apply hindsight to whatever we've done,in this case, Marvel, and see what would have happened, and what decision we would have made if we knew the outcomes.

I found myself applying this to my own life. What if I never went to Fairfield? What if I never had an interest in soccer? What if I had studied harder for my O's? What if, what if.

I realised I took the right path,(mostly) because, I guess, I just don't want things to change.

I'm glad I came to Fairfield, I got to know many people, lifelong friends, had fun, went through shit, did things I'd never do if I studied harder for my PSLE.

I'm glad I went to NP for like 6 months though it was a waste of time, it provided me an insight into poly life, met certain people, some good, some bad, learnt from the whole experience.

I'm glad I came to TP, found a home away from home, made really good friends, did real stupid stuff, learnt programming the hard way, screwed it up, learnt again.

I'm glad I'm writing this down, cause I don't ever want to forget.

But I still can't stop thinking of what could have been.

What if I had went to Scriptwriting in SP instead?

What if my score was good enough for me to get into Mass Comm?

What if I failed to get into TP, and started serving NS?

What if, what if.

I guess it's all set in place.Nothing ever happens without a reason, everything is planned by a special Someone. I'll find my purpose eventually, it's just a matter of time.

Until then, Mousehunt will keep me company.=)

Who what me?

2009-06-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

Imma irregular blogging bitch, yay.

And I'm practically screwed for WDS, whoohoo!

Is it any surprise that I'm not concerned at all? Hah.

Okay gotta stop, else my mum finds me up this late, she's gonna cook me for dinner.

Will blog more tomorrow. I think. Tata.

More is all you need.

2009-06-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Whoowee, I realise I've been updating like huge blocks of text, sort of like a novel. Rawr.

Didn't get much rest for the past few days, had night cycling on Thurs-Fri. Damn, that was tiring.

ONE Camp's gonna be my focus in this post, not some ambiguous post about random nonsense-sprouting.

Like what I said during reflections with Ocean, I didn't want to go for the camp originally, cause I was tired, blah blah. But, I made a commitment, and when I make one, I keep to it. Or I try to.

So,first day. I woke up quite late, I think. But I ended up being the first Ocean-er at church. Somehow, I was dragged into Singspiration the day before. It's wasn't because I was unwilling, it's just that I don't feel that I have that presence and knowledge to be leading "worship". Anyhow, we somehow managed to scrape through practice.

Honestly, me had nerves, lotsa nerves. I like performing, but I was sorta scared? Worship's new for me. But it went well, it was kinda cool to see everyone imitating my actions, and to hear everyone, well, almost, singing with me.

When found out who was in my group, I felt relieved, to say the least. I had like 3 other people from my previous ONE camp group, Anna, David, and Yipeng. So it was like easy to connect with them, but the rest of the group was hard to handle, in short. I hoped, before the camp started, tat my group wouldn't have like any troublemakers, but I just had to be with these two boys from FaithActs. I mean, it's not like I'm racist or anything, one of my best friend's a Malay, for crying out loud. But it's just that I feel that I can't handle these sort of characters, maybe it's my self-confidence, I don't know.

I've got nothing much to say about the following programs on the first day, other than my problems with the two FaithActs kids. They didn't follow instructions, and acted as if they were like kings. I mean, if you want to participate, go right ahead. But don't push it so such an extent where winning is everything. It's just a game, we win, we lose, there's no need to be so competitive.

I know, I'm sounding like a hypocrite here, because I'm like super competitive in soccer, but I don't blame others for everything,(at least I think I don't) and I do admit my mistakes(at least I think I do).

Oh and I found out some things about myself.

1. I must have a shower every morning, or else I'm gonna be dead and sleepy for the rest of the day.

2. Mosquitoes really do like me.

3. I don't need a sleeping bag to sleep, let alone a bed.

4. I can't remember, HAHA.

Day 2 was a mixed bag, for me. Morning was a real drag, was sleepy as hell. Tried my best for Singspiration, but it went all over too quickly. Oh well.

The mass dance was not that bad, considering that I hate dances. I think I'm beginning to change my attitudes toward certain things, one of them mass dances. The two latest mass dances I did were quite enjoyable, but I think it's that company that made it good.

The superhero race was pretty screwed, I got real pissed at the two kids again, argh. Sucks. I had to raise my voice, i.e. RC style, and it's wasn't pretty. Goddamn.

The finale night was good, however. The preps were totally last minute, I didn't even know that we had a storyline to follow. I just cobbled together some random crap, and it worked. This was the turning point of the camp, for me. I saw everyone working together, listening to Anna's, Adrian's and my instructions, and working together. And the fact that the act came out okay was nice as well.

Third day was like really lifeless. Got sorta pissed AGAIN, kids didn't want to help clear the damn canteen. Gosh, I really have to control my temper.

Was kinda surprised when my group won second, I was expecting first not. I thought we screwed it up at the race, but I think we did well, considering the problems we had, such as not having a person to really take charge all the way and bond the whole group, and friction between members in the group.

In all, I felt this camp was not that bad, although last year's was better. I actually missed them badly then, now, I just can't wait to get onto my bed. It's not that my group didn't bond well, we actually did, but it's just that I couldn't wait to see the backs of some of them.

What was my aim during this camp? I wanted to find direction. Did i find direction? No, but I found other things. I found out that I can't just stick to one group of people, there're others that need me there, for one reason or another.

Anything else that I achieved from this camp? Unity, I feel. I felt that Ocean really bonded, at least those that went. I think they all know my name now, I don't know about the spelling part, haha.

After camp was the shitzzz. Funny as hell, not just the Fairfield parts. I realized that we Ocean-ers actually do have lots of things in common, we just need to find it.

I still need my direction, and I really do need sleep. Sorry people for boring you for this long novel again, but don't expect me to change. Live with it. :)

Night lights and silence.

2009-06-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a different experience, to say the least. I never tried Arab food before.

I always preferred nighttime to the day. It's a lot quieter, and allows me room to think. Or just to relax and listen to music.

That was written last Wed, but I never had the inspiration to finish it.

Just found out that Alden has a blog. Shows how much I really "know" about my friends. I swear, Deric and Syad's gonna come up with a joint blog next.

It sucks, to be let down by others that you trust. And to let down those that trust you.

I had this sort of awakening on Saturday. I was at my granduncle's place, I think. Anyway, it's some huge private estate sort of place. Architecture was like wtf. Looked like something out of my dreams. Totally surreal.

Yeah, so I met up with my cousins, and caught up with them. Most of them went home early, and that left a few of us, me, my brother, Carissa, Alissa, Leonard & Leonara(LOL).

Most of them fell asleep, Carissa and I went to join the big ones at the dining table. They were having this discussion about religion. It was like a freaking debate. There were like two sides, each headed by one of my granduncles. Uncle Jimmy was representing the Buddhist/Non-Christian sides, while Uncle Peter was representing the Christian side.

I listened, thought about it, and even though I'm feeling quite confused about my beliefs right now, I come out in support of Christianity. I don't know why, but I just did. I felt as if I was being called to open the eyes of Uncle Jimmy. Totally random yes?

I'm still feeling extremely confused right now, and I need answers.

I realised that Carissa and I have quite a lot of similarities, hah.

The apartment's still beautiful, though. The view from the rooftop is just amazing.

Friends. How many of the people I know, and count as friends will actually help me when I need help.

Although I love my friends in TP, those at Anfield and FMSS still come before them. I've known most of the Anfielders for almost 3 years, and shared more than just 100plus with them. People like Deric, Syad, Alex, Alden. They've been around for almost 8 years, and will probably be around for the next 8. That's not saying that I don't value my TP friends, I love them lots too. But 10, 15 years down the road, who are the people that's gonna be at my side?

Damn.

*And what's up with all those How Well Do You Know Me quizzes lol. Everyone's putting such retarded questions, me included. Just because I don't know what's your favorite pizza topping doesn't mean that I don't know you well. Doesn't like 12 years of cousin-ship count?Meh.

I found something else to do in the holidays, other than gaming and soccer. Completing Season 4 of Prison Break. Just because I've read the wiki, doesn't mean I know everything about it.

And Robert Knepper's been cast in Heroes! OMG. My favorite character in Prison Break's in my favorite show! The carnival busker's my favorite character even before I've seen him. This is what killing Nathan off does to you, goddamn.

I need to sleep if I am to wake up for soccer @ SAFRA tomorrow.

*This is referring to my cousin, Gabriel. What a freaking gay, with all those retarded questions.

Indestructible.

2009-06-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

Whoo yeah tests are over, and I'm feeling better. Mood's been lifted recently, due to certain events, hah.

I saw this post Joel Yeo made, quite inspirational. Imma copy and paste it, who gives about plagiarism.

friends be friends. i think my perspective of friends are changing. and this post is about sharing what i think.

what are friends for? party? fun? laughing together? enjoying each other's company? sitting down and talking about problems? talking about old times past?

i think friends share common topics of life. and that's what makes friends. if there's no common topic, i think the friendship would be baseless, meaningless and would thus crumble.

friends are there for each other when he/she needs help. i dont know, but i always try to make an effort.

people who talk shit behind my back, people who aren't trustworthy, people who turn me away, people who ask me to fuck off when i have good intents, people who treat me like nothing, take me for granted, these are just people. these mere fuckers are people, i will not get close to and even avoid, cause they bring harm to me..

take me for who i am. i am straightforward, one who speaks my mind. i am crazy and retarded, i laugh out loud, i treat my friends nice and i bastard those whom i dislike. thats me, for now..

This is essentially, almost everything I think of friends. Of course, my traits differ from Joel's, but you get the drift.

People who take you for who you really are, people who don't give a shit about your shortcomings, people who are there for you, those that really care. Those that would spend half the night talking to you, those that only want you to do well, those that stand by you. These are your real friends.

On another note, TP life has been real great, first two months were amazing. True, there's some annoying things about TP, least of all the transport, but I'm really enjoying my time here. TP gives this sense of family, much like FMSS. In TP, you're made to feel like you're part of them, compared to NP, where everyone's pretty much like everyone else.

One year wasted, I'm not gonna waste any more.

do what you want,
say what you feel ,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter dont mind.

Aqueous Transmisson.

2009-06-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I miss those times.

Oh and Green Day's new album's quite good.

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

You don't know what your power has done to me
I want to know if I'll heal inside
I can't go on with a holocaust about to happen
Seeing you laughing another time
You'll never know why your face has haunted me
My very soul has to bleed this time
Another hole in the wall of my inner defenses
Leaving me breathless, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run

You walk on like a woman in suffering
Won't even bother now to tell me why
You come alone, letting all of us savor the moment
Leaving me broken another time
You come on like a bloodstained hurricane
Leave me alone, let me be this time
You carry on like a holy man pushing redemption
I don't want to mention, the reason I know

That I am stricken and can't let you go
When the heart is cold, there's no hope, and we know
That I am crippled by all that you've done
Into the abyss will I run

Into the abyss will I run
I can't let you go
Yes I am stricken and can't let you go

For Whom The Bell Tolls.

2009-05-31T10:40:00.000-07:00

Was running through my email inbox after reading Alex's post. Felt I needed to get rid of some of that 2526 unread emails.

Saw this one from Shaun that struck me. It's a pretty long email, but one part stood out.

Title's kewl, caught my attention.

God says, It's Over, with a smile.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what my purpose is? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

This 3 sentences struck me, made me wonder. Recently I've been feeling off, wondering about everything, basically everything that paragraph said. And I was looking for answers. I prayed to Him, but nothing came out. I started to doubt everything. Then, I saw this. I don't know if this counts as a revelation in my spiritual life, but it means something to me. God answered. And I can count on him to answer everything else.

WDS and Cmaths tomorrow! It's gonna be one hell of a ride, after studying from like 3pm-2am. I've never worked this hard before, but I'm loving it.

Quest For Fire.

2009-05-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

And I'm getting it again. Those visions. Those dreams, about the end.Thoughts about the Apocalypse, of Armageddon. Yet, I still have regrets. Things not being done. People I haven't loved. Places yet to go. What if tomorrow was too late? Would there be anybody to be there for me, reassuring me that it's gonna be alright?

I need direction. Need to find that compass in my life. Find out what I'm living for, what I'm supposed to do. Search for what matters. Find the end to aim towards.

This is the end where I begin.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more Death. Neither sorrow, nor crying. Neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away."

Book of Revelations,Chapter 21, Verse 4

Lord, help me.

Impend.

2009-05-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

My mum had this incredulous look on her face when I told her I flew. Doesn't anyone believe me?

I've got this feeling that something's gonna happen. I don't know what, I don't know why, don't know how, don't know when. I just feel something's gonna happen. And I'm beginning to regret it. Not living my life to the fullest. Not saying everything I wanted to say. Not doing everything I needed to do. Not loving everyone who loved me, and that feeling sucks. I just hope that whatever's gonna happen, it had better happen soon. I hate waiting.

Lord,help me, I can't change.

2009-05-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

Freebird-Lynyrd Skynyrd

Lyrics for this song's short, but the song lasts for 9 minutes and 7 seconds.

Today was a fun day, mainly because of soccer. It's funny, how your emotions fluctuate from sadness, to rage, then to satisfaction. Yeah, I guess that's what made this day fun. Satisfaction.

And I foretold the future today! Sort of.Okay scenario first.

Deric, Kenn and I were in KAP, having dinner.

Kenn met one of his coursemates there, Deborah(I think it's spelt that way), and Deric was like," Her face very familiar."

I immediately said" From your primary school one!"

Deric and Kenn were skeptical,and came up with other theories.

Long story short, she was his P1-5 classmate, and I was right. Sort of.

Speaking of coincidences, I don't believe in them. I think everything happens for a reason, why we so happened to meet this person today, why we find strangers that have the exact same interests as us. That person we meet may be our life partner, and the stranger we found may turn out to be a lifelong friend.Variables just don't seem right in life.

Read this article in the papers today, written by Sumiko Tan. It's about bingeing.

This set of sentences caught my eye, cause it totally reminded me of me.

"I, on the other hand, fall into the category of people -mostly women- who have a more complex relationship with food. Food isn't just food, but both a friend and a foe. I love it, I need it, I don't want it, it is both a comfort and a crutch." Essentially summarized the main point of the article in 3 sentences. And doesn't that really sound like me?

I like how these journalists manage to turn a ordinary mundane thing such as bingeing, into something that makes you think. And that's above their normal work as reporters and editors. Another reason I'm so into the communications world.

Read the horoscope in the exact same paper, and this is what it said about my star sign Cancer.

"Unless you have piles of important work to pore through today, you should have a pleasant dawdling and dreaming about what could be. Your daydreams are closer to reality than you think."

I'd so like to believe the above. If only horoscopes offer any truth to anything they said.

If you know me well, you'd know I am a comic freak!

Why do I love comics so much? Well, it's the way the characters are portrayed. How they're still humans, inside, whatever powers or brains they may have. How they are forced to make ends meet while keeping evil,( or creating evil, for that matter) at bay. How they still can live through everything, after all that bloodshed and wars. How they can lead two lives, but still come out as one single person.

Compared to Japanese manga, where most characters are dreadfully shallow, and their next boyfriends/girlfriends are considered "pressing matters", and where they don't care about anything about their actions or the consequences.

Also, American comics provide a perspective into "superpowers". What ordinary people would do with them. Would they use them for good, cross into the rivers of villainy, or walk the morally gray line? How would these powers affect them, and how long would it be before these extraordinary people become extraordinary dangerous?

Damn, that was a real long post. Hope this makes up for the long weeks of inactivity. (:

I want that dream again.

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?

I see a red door and I want to paint it black.

2009-05-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

Ohmy, music cycle's going one whole round again. I'm back to where I started.

For those not in the know, I'm talking about the music I listen to. Cycle started in late Sec 2 I think, when I just found Breaking Benjamin. Went through bands and genres, before I finally found salvation in Iron Maiden!

Speaking of salvation, I wanna go watch Terminator: Salvation, even though I have no idea what it's about. Looks kewl.

I'm addicted to Breaking Benjamin again! If I had one wish, I wish Breaking Benjamin and Iron Maiden would come to Singapore for a concert. I'll die happy then.

I've never been to a real concert, unless you count Planetshakers, which was, to me, just an excuse for New Creation to boost membership. None of the bands which I really want to see live are coming, which sucks, cause if I don't go to a metal concert at least once in my life, I'm a failure.

Watched Star Trek yesterday.Syad and Deric found it okay, I thought it was fantastic! I love how they included Leonard Nimroy inside this movie as well. Chris Pine was great, he pulls off that anti-hero characterization with little effort. And Zach Quinto was awesome. But I'm too used to seeing him as a super-powered serial killer, and half-expected him to TK Kirk when they were fighting. Oh well. Heroes withdrawal.

It's one of those movies that doesn't disappoint, unlike Hancock. That was a real waste of time.

Best scene was when Zach went "Live long and prosper" to the council, with that sardonic voice. Extremely Sylar-ish.

Die, how did I go from music to Star Trek?

Buskerssssssssssss.

2009-05-05T02:50:00.000-07:00

Just got home from a eventful MRT ride. See, there was this bunch of Malay kids sitting on the floor, playing 5 Stones, and generally taking up too much space. I spent like my whole journey observing them, cause I'm a pedophile and gay not. They had this innocence about them, something which I miss.I miss the times when I didn't know anything about the world, and lived alongside Wolverine and Gambit figurines. I miss the times when hanging out with friends meant going to the void deck and rolling down slopes, getting dirty as hell. I miss the times when liking girls meant you were different, and disgusting.

I miss the times when I could just be myself, and not bother about anyone else.

I've been spending much recently, $30++ on a meal with a pretty girl, donated $10 to an ex-convict for 5 pens which I'll probably never use, and another $5 to a busker. There goes my savings.

I donate to buskers,not to beggars. There's a difference between them. And to me, there's no difference whether I donate $5 or 50 cents. It's the thought that counts, anyway.

Beggars are those that do nothing, and expect to get other's loose change. So what if you are missing a leg and an eye? That's life, get over it. You can't live on pity forever.

Buskers, on the other hand, put in time and effort to put on a performance for complete strangers, hoping to get something out of it. They may not be disabled, and some may even hold normal jobs. But they put in effort, and it shows.

Buskers are also generally much nicer people compared to beggars. When you out a $2 note in a beggar's basket, some stare at you as if asking," Why did you put only $2 when you have a $10 note inside your wallet?"

Buskers, on the other hand, look you in the eye, and say "Thank you very much!" There's this sense of warmth from them, perhaps due to their frequent interaction with people.

Raaaaaah. 3 more days to Friday, and I'm still stuck on that drawing thingy. Die much.

Dying of the light.

2009-04-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

In the ongoing search for self, there are days when we learn something genuinely new. Something uncovered, hidden, that we never knew was there. Something that surprises us. And on that day of self-discovery, the question remains: What kind of person are we? Does the hero, or the villain inside us, win the day?

It's ironic, how some people can be the closest to you, yet seem so distant when you need them.

Raaaaah. I don't know why I'm blogging more these days, maybe it's the mood.

Just a little smile can make a person's day. Smile, and see what I mean.

Die 8 hours of school tomorrow. I want cookies and lasagna.

And as the search for self continues, we look for answers everywhere. In nature, in God, in tiny tragedies that may never be understood. But still, we are driven to it, single-minded on one goal: to find our purpose on this earth. No matter what the ramifications, the friendships that may be hurt, or the deals with the devil we need to make.

Smile, and show everyone how beautiful you are.

Hello lonely.

2009-04-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

The earth is large — large enough that you think you can hide from anything. From fate, from God — if only you found a place far enough away. So you run. To the edge of the earth, where all is safe again — quiet and warm. The solace of salt air. The peace of danger left behind. The luxury of grief. And maybe for a moment you believe you have escaped.

Whee 3 weeks into April and I've updated like 5 times when I updated only 4 times during March.

Poly has finally started, and I'm having a great time here at TP. Funny lecturers that pronounce "gender" properly, $40++ textbooks, and a board game cafe visit in 2 weeks.

On the other hand, it kills to be waiting for the same bus as 8328654365483659243 other people.

61 Lecture Theatres
1240-seater Temasek Convention Centre
555-seater and 250-seater Auditoria
An Outdoor Amphi-theatre
Industry-relevant Laboratories and Training Facilities
An 11-storey Library
Retail Shops
Postal Services
A Student Lounge
Alumni Lounge
Sports Complex

(Track-and-Field Stadium, 3-D Rock Climbing Wall, 2 Indoor Volleyball/Netball court, 2 Outdoor Volleyball/Netball Courts, 1 Outdoor Netball Court, 1 Indoor Basketball Court , 2 Outdoor Basketball Courts, 8 Indoor Badminton/4 Sepak Takraw courts, 2 Squash Courts, Table Tennis Equipment, 8 Tennis Courts, Multi-Purpose Astroturf, Football/Rugby Pitch, 2 Outdoor Street Soccer Courts, Gymnasium, Rock Gymnasium, 1 6-station Fitness Corner.)

2 Jamming Studios
2 Dance Studios
2 BBQ Pits
Beach Volleyball Court
Cricket Pitch
Swimming Complex

(1 Training Pool, 1 Olympic Size Swimming Pool and 1 Children's/Wading Pool.)

Adventure Learning Course
Five Canteens

(Business Park, MENSA, The Designer Pad, The Short Circuit and The Bread Board.)

One Food Court (Flavours)
3 Cafés (Jupiter Café, Sugarloaf Café, Bistro Walk)
1 restaurant (The Top Table)
CHEERS convenience store

Thank you Wikipedia. But Mensa's food sucks. I never knew we had a children's pool.Kewl.

I love the reservoir behind. Gives me an open space to connect with nature, time to think, be myself.

I don't feel like typing much now, most of the stuff I wanted to say has already faded away.

I hope the rest of them are having fun, wherever they are.

You can run far. You can take your small precautions, but have you really gotten away? Can you ever escape? Or is the truth that you do not have the strength or cunning to hide from destiny? But the world is not small, you are. And fate can find you anywhere.

Death rages.

2009-04-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Back then, when I wanted those words, it came out so easily. Just like a flowing tap. But now, that tap's been screwed tight, and all that's coming out are little droplets, fragments of what could have been, and should have been.

I need to find that smoothness back. And let the words flow. But it's just so hard to say anything at the current state that we're in. And I need to know where I stand in her life.

Back on track, find out where I'm headed.

Death. It's something most people fear, and for good reason. Everything you've lived for, everything you've worked for, everyone you loved and love, all crumbles in front of you the day you die.

I guess people don't want to die cause it means all they strived to achieve in their lives just vanishes. Or they just want to live it out, without any consequences.

To me, death is not something I fear, not something I look at with disgust. In fact, I welcome death. It'll come sooner or later, whether you want it or not. Maybe I'm resigned to my own fate, and that I see this matter with tinted glasses. But it doesn't matter what others think. Effectively, everyday you lived for is in preparation for the day you die.

But death isn't the end. For believers, we go to Heaven. Wherever it is, I'm sure it's beautiful.

Who wants to live forever anyway?

"I guess not everybody gets old. Not everybody dies."

"Then you've just got that much longer to suffer, don't you."

- Sylar, Samson Gray

Sometimes you just want to put other people's happiness before yours:
because you love them, because they deserve it.
Sometimes you want to go out of your way for people just
because you know it's important that they get a chance to smile once in a while.

WHOOO MACHEDA!, Flight and swings.

2009-04-05T11:10:00.002-07:00

With United 2–1 down and needing a goal to keep their title campaign alive, manager Alex Ferguson threw Macheda on in place of Nani just after the hour mark. After Cristiano Ronaldo equalised for United in the 80th minute, Macheda won the match with a curling effort from just inside the area in the third minute of injury time.

Don't you just love Wikipedia?

Okay okay enough with the bragging. Gets on other's nerves.

MY GOODNESS WHAT A GREAT GOAL.

Fine, fine, I'll stop.I can hear Alden's, Alex's and JJ's pleas.

Just re-watched Cold Snap again. Bryan Fuller is genius.

A little something about me.

When I'm bored, or need to go someplace to think, I head to Heritage View, Tower B, BBQ pit and start swinging.

Yes, you heard me right. Swinging.On swings.

Why? Swinging gives me freedom.In a way,I'm still hindered my the seat and gravity.

When the swing reaches its zenith, you get the feeling that you're on top of the world.Like nothing can stop you. And for that moment, it takes all your worries away.

But when you come back down, and reality snaps back to normal, that whole moment comes crashing down on you again. You want more. You need more. So you kick the ground, and start swinging again.

It's like experiencing a high(in this case, literally), that you want over and over again.

When you finally stop, you think back on that moment, and wonder why it didn't last longer.

And swinging makes you feel like you are actually flying. If that's not cool, I don't know what is.

Watched Shades of Gray again! ^^ I'm a happy Heroes fan.

I want to swing again.

Bombs away!

2009-04-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you put 5 teenage boys, Orchard Road, Cineleisure, Alden's house, Burger King and 6 ex-exco menbers together?

24 HOURS OF PURE FUN!

Shit I missed Toradora final ep.

I'll start with Thursday.

Had a conference with the dudes until 2+, then tried to sleep, finally did at 3.

Woke at 9, fell asleep again, woke at 10.

Fed my fish till 11 NUT.

Met Merv and Rae at FMSS at about 1230, before we went to fulfill Merv's chicken rice fetish.

Dropped by his place, said hi to the new kid, watched Ratatouille, played cards, and slacked the hell out of me.

Swimming @ Heritage next.Took gay-ass photos consisting of hydro-pumped pee, and played Murderer.

HIKEE!!

Makan @ hawker centre opposite West Coast Plaza.Coke with salt = not good.

Found out Alden didn't tell his parents we were staying over. :o

Found out that there was no Fanboys. :0

Found out that Alex likes MEN! :O

Went to Orchard, bought tickets for Confessions Of A Shopaholic.

Went to Heeren's Basement, and played Confessions Of 5 Teenage Boys.

ALDEN WANTS TO MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE.

DERIC WOULD RATHER HAVE SOMEONE AS HIS WIFE INSTEAD OF SOMEONE!

SYAD LOVES UPPER/LOWER PIERCE RESERVOIR!

AND I ALMOST BOUGHT CONDOMS WITH ALEX!

Caught the movie.

Quite a good movie, IMO. Had good comic timimg. And having a 1.5 litre bottle of Coke brought in illegally helped too.

Movie ended at 3+? And so we started to hike.

Sang many songs along the way, most of which can be found in our new album, Threesome On A Tripod, by Tri-ller.

Examples:

Rest In Piss

Lightning Across The Sky(My Flashing Father)

Exploits Of A Long Legged Person

My Neighbour's On Crack

Please Don't Leave Me Tonight

Taxi Driver's Secret Meetings

Royal Embassies

Gleneagles

And many many more. CD out in 32 years,2 if we can find a producer.

Scared the hell out of a jogger @ 3.30am.

Sang Jurassic Park @ 5.00am, waking up most inhabitants of Jumbo Coffeeshop and surrounding areas.

Sang Digimon and Pokemon @ SP, and severely shocked a Indian worker.

Sang the Fairfield Song and National Anthem,complete with instruments.

Died from a sore throat @ Clementi.Nut.

Finally reached our destiny, ALDEN'S MANSION!, @ 6am.

Played 3 PES games and got 5 Shiverpoot players sent off.

And Alex didn't want to bathe until Syad burnt his ass with a hairdryer.

Finally went to bed @ 7.

Woke @ 3.

I lesserthanthree my life.

Alex ran first cause he owed me 10 bucks.And still does.

Had brunch @ KFC,and stayed there for 2+ hours.

Fleming departed for his own destiny, and left me and Syad to go to the Land Of Windmills.

Damn, I have 15 mins of battery left on me laptup and I need to complete this post.

Met Agnes Hon Huiling, and joked around about mosquitoes.

Waited till Little Miss Cautious came, and we went up to BK.

Waited for the Samurai and Roothie to come.Seems like Samurai learnt metamorphosis, she came in no less 12 disguises. Syad and I caught them all.

Ate, rubbished, gossiped(for the Gurrls), joked, and made fun af anything and everything at BK until MR ENDIEAN KEELAH came and killed B.B.B. Rest in piss, B.B.B. You are sorely missed.

Syad then left for his own destiny, and left me with the Gurrls.Roothie made me carry her bag while she took mine.

Lesserthanthree you, Roothie, for letting me explore my feminine side.But mascara, eyeshadow and lipstick is too much, thank you.

Went back and found out that I didn't bring my keys. Oh snap.

3 hours later, I'm here, happy, and sleepy. Hope I earned the dream.

Just another silhouette in the city.

2009-04-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

"For the dreams to come, the ones that matter, sleep has to be natural. It has to earned.

-Angela Petrelli

I tried to speak, but nothing came. Damn.

I need to earn that dream.Again.

And this week's Heroes was, once again, awesome. Volume 4's the best so far. I hope the great scriptwriting continues, even this volume ends.

Need.To.Sleep.

Looking forward to tomorrow and the next few days. It's gonna be GREAT. Ikea FTW.

The end where I begin.

2009-03-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling,
way down in the valley tonight.
There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye,
and a blade shining oh so bright.
There's evil in the air and there's thunder in sky,
and A killer's on the bloodshot streets.
Oh and down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising,
Oh I swear I saw a young boy down in the gutter,
He was starting to foam in the heat.

Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world,
that's pure and good and right.
And wherever you are and wherever you go,
there's always gonna be some light.
But I gotta get out,
I gotta break it out now,
Before the final crack of dawn.
So we gotta make the most of our one night together.
When it's over you know,
We'll both be so alone.

Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone gone gone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
But when the day is done and the sun goes down,
and the moonlights shining through,
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven,
I'll come crawling on back to you.

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,
on a silver black phantom bike.
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry,
and we're all about to see the light.
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole.
Everything is stunted and lost.
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing's ever worth the cost.
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I'd rather be damned with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanns be damned,
dancing through the night with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you.

Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world,
that's pure and good and right.
And wherever you are and wherever you go,
there's always gonna be some light.
But I gotta get out,
I gotta break it out now,
Before the final crack of dawn.
So we gotta make the most of our one night together.
When it's over you know,
We'll both be so alone.

Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
When the night is over
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone gone gone.
Like a bat out of hell
I'll be gone when the morning comes.
But when the day is done and the sun goes down,
and the moonlights shining through,
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven,
I'll come crawling on back to you.

I can see myself tearing up the road,
Faster than any other boy has ever gone.
And my skin is raw but my soul is ripe.
No-one's gonna stop me now,
I gotta make my escape.
But I can't stop thinking of you,
and I never see the sudden curve until it's way too late.
I never see the sudden curve 'till it's way too late.

Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun.
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike.
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And the last thing I see is my heart,
Still beating,
Breaking out of my body,
And flying away,
Like a bat out of hell.
Then I'm dying at the bottom of a pit in the blazing sun.
Torn and twisted at the foot of a burning bike.
And I think somebody somewhere must be tolling a bell.
And the last thing I see is my heart.
Still beating, still beating,
Breaking out of my body and flying away,
Like a bat out of hell.
Like a bat out of hell.
Like a bat out of hell.
Oh like a bat out of hell!
Oh like a bat out of hell!
Like a bat out of hell!

Bat Out Of Hell-Meat Loaf

I'd like to think that I have precognitive dreams. Yes, too much Heroes.

And I'd like to think I learnt from my mistakes.

But when something like this comes along,it's now or never.

What exactly are dreams? For the longest time, I thought they were figments of our everyday lives, turned into our wildest fantasies.

Someone told me that the contents of our dreams come from what we think of IRL.That's saying quite a lot.

Personally, I think dreams are a signal.From God.That's His way of talking to us.And I'm hoping this message is a good one.

I'm feeling cold.And I need warmth.

Cruelty has a human heart.

2009-03-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

Cruelty has a human heart
Every man does play his part
Terror of the men we kill
The human heart is hungry still

I stand my ground for the very last time
Gun is ready as I stand in line
Nervous wait for the whistle to blow
Rush of blood and over we go

Paschendale-Iron Maiden

Last 3 days were great.Hoping next week will be just as good.

And Cold Snap was FANTASTIC. Welcome back, Bryan Fuller!

Sleep

2009-03-16T00:42:00.000-07:00

For once in my life, I slept when my head hit the pillow.

For once in my life, I woke up without any procrastination.At 3pm.

Marvel TD's fun,especially Thor.Woot.

How's this for breakfast,at 3.30pm.

For graet justis!

3rd First Post.

2009-03-12T00:54:00.000-07:00

And I finally succumbed to it.Yes, I started a blog, AGAIN.

And yes, I've created a Facebook account.

Now, I'm back to the mundane business of updating, and talking about me, in general.But I LIKE IT. So go away if you have anything against it.Please?

And Heroes this week was okay for me. Not exactly the big encounter between Papa Gray and Sylar, but it was okay. Could have been explored a bit more, methinks. And Doyle was just magnificent in that episode. This season's shaping up to be pretty good, in my opinion. Let's just hope NBC doesn't fire Bryan Fuller.

AND I WANT MY REAPER BACK.WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT THE MATRIX.